I've thought about writing this post millions of times. Basically, the reason for it is one word: ANXIETY. I've written about my anxiety before in previous posts, but recently it's gotten a lot worse. So, the only thing I know to do right now is to write out my feelings. If you're reading this and suffer from anxiety too, I hope this helps you, or at least helps you feel like you're not alone.
Let me start by saying, I haven't had it all of my life. Actually, it didn't start becoming a noticable thing until a few months ago. Maybe there were signs of it beforehand, but I didn't recognize it until the past few months. No, I haven't been properly diagnosed, but I live with 2 people who suffer from severe anxiety and depression, and one of them was the one to even point it out to me.
It started with financial struggles. I was working at a job that was paying me way less than what I needed to pay all of my bills and live comfortably. For months, my bank account would often go into the negatives or I would have to hold off from paying for bills. I didn't even make enough to save at least $5.00. Sounds normal so far right? But the thing that set me over the edge is that I would focus solely on money and finding ways just to pay my bills. And that's when I had my first panic attack. My roommate was talking to me in the car about looking for a new job and leaving a job I knew for 3 years. Immediately, even though she never attacked me and wasn't fighting me, I felt trapped in my own car. It was like I couldn't wait to get out of the car and breathe fresh air. To the average person, we were just having an adult conversation. But my brain told me it was an attack. So, I started crying and breathing heavily. And it happened every time we had that conversation. When she mentioned that I sounded like I had anxiety, it all made sense. I had a feeling that it was anxiety, but I didn't want to label it if I was just super stressed, because I knew that it was a serious mental disease and not something to take lightly. I've seen my roommate have panic attacks before, and it wasn't a walk in the park.
Fast forward to today, where I have a good paying job and plenty of money to live comfortably and pay for all of my bills, but my anxiety has come back full speed. At first, I thought my trigger was money or control, but I've realized that my trigger is not being able to be in control or fix a problem. The first of the panic attacks started when I went home to visit my family last week for my grandpa's birthday. It was a great, but short visit. I was fine while I was there, but it started when I got home and was about to fall asleep. I had found out my second cousin (who I consider just my cousin) was having open heart surgery in the morning, but it was a SUPER risky procedure. To top it off, his sister (who feels more like my aunt than my cousin and who I'm super close to) and my grandma were the only ones who were going to be there, and they both have health issues as well. On top of this happening, I heard about all the tests and possible heart complications going on with my dad. And then I knew my grandpa wasn't in the best health that he was years ago. And my cousins' other sister was trying to start drama. I prayed to God to help all of them and I kept wishing I could just drive back home and be with them instead of in my apartment. That's when it started. I realized I couldn't do anything to help all of them, and my brain shot panic all through my body. I started balling. I couldn't breathe through my nose. I could barely breathe out of my mouth. My chest felt heavy. My body felt hot. And I craved water. But I just wanted to crash to the ground into a ball or grip onto something to make the pain stop. My roommates were all asleep, because it was 1:00am, so I couldn't call out to them for help. After about 15 minutes of crying hard and drinking water to cool and calm myself down, I was finally able to stop it and try to go to sleep. It was one of the scariest feeling I had felt in a while. That is, until a few nights later...
The second time it happened this week was I found out some "truths" about people I was really close to, or I thought I was was close to. That's as far as I'll say for now. They're not bad people, but it was a crappy situation. I had already been feeling upset because I didn't hang out with this certain group of friends, and this night was the straw that broke the camel's back. I found out this secret, and my body tensed up and I had to hold back the tears. My hormones could have had something to do with this, but I knew something was up. So my natural reaction was to shut down, in order to not burst into tears and break down. That part didn't come until after I got home. Once again, my roommates were asleep, so I was alone again. I started balling again. And I couldn't breathe. Much like the first time. In the moment, I thought I was just really upset and didn't recognize that I was having a panic attack. It was on and off like this for hours. I would think about what happened, and it would start again and last for about 15ish minutes each.
The most recent attack came the next day after the situation happened. This time one of my roommates was awake, but I hid my reaction very well. I fast walked to my room, with water and paper towel in hand to calm myself down. Luckily, this was only about 5 minutes. The cause of this was thinking about what went down with my friends again. Thinking about it now, the cause was another time when I wasn't in control. But more than that, I think my brain also wanted to fix what was happening, even though there's nothing that I could do to change it.
My panic attacks aren't my only source of anxiety. Sometimes I don't want to leave my bed or do anything. I can make plans with someone to hang out, but I gotta convince myself to be productive and just do the thing. I don't believe it's full blown social anxiety, but there's aspects of it when I try to go out and find ways to get out of it no matter how fun it will be.
Back to the title of this post, I conceal my anxiety well to anyone who doesn't know me well. It's like a happy mask that I paste onto my face and act like nothing is wrong. Nobody sees me break down. No one sees how unhappy I am. Think of the music video for "Fake Happy" by Paramore, and that's me a good chunk of the time recently. That's not who I am all the time, but I can tell you these past few weeks have been when I've felt it the hardest. I feel like I'm barely holding myself together. It's really hard sometimes, but nobody asks. There's only a rare few who have seen me at my worst and can see through my mask, but most have no clue what's happening in my head. It's like there's a stigma that if you have a mental disease, that you're somehow broken. But that's just your brain playing tricks on you. And I've definitely felt that pain.
I am by no means an expert on this topic, so I need suggestions of what you (if you're in this same situation) do when you are on the verge of a panic attack or are feeling like your anxiety is taking over your entire body. I know thus far I've found that drinking water and listening to music helps calm me, as well as praying for it to pass. This is gonna sound weird, but All Time Low has been the band that has helped the most. It's like I listen to their songs, especially "Weightless", and my body relaxes. It's the weirdest thing! But I'm open to suggestions. I don't wanna take medication, unless it's a last result, so any help or tips would be much appreciated. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes can't recognize the person I'm pretending to be. It's frustrating!
Honestly, I hope that this helped someone. Like I said, I'm not an expert on the topic. But I feel like I needed to share this and get it off of my brain. In a previous post I've talked abotu writing as a method to ease my anxiety and stress, and I'm already seeing progress in my mind the longer I type. If you have every felt like me, don't be ashamed of it. It's scary, but it helps to no that someone else knows exactly how you feel. You're not alone.
Live for God & Love for Music!
-Pay 💕😊
