I've been single for a while, and I always get asked by EVERYONE: "Why are you single?" or "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" or "How do you not have a boyfriend?" Well, the answer is simple. It's because I'm terrible at being a girlfriend. I know you're probably confused right now about how I can be a "terrible girlfriend" if I'm not even a girlfriend yet, but let me explain.
I was reading Lilly Singh's book How to be a Bawse, and in it she talks about how she doesn't date much, because she's a bad girlfriend. At first, it makes no sense. But then she went into more detail. She talked about how she is still selfish and too focused on her work that it's hard to balance a relationship and work without her wanting to give her work more time than she does spending time with her boyfriend and giving him attention, which is unfair to him. She also talks about some of these reasons in one of her videos, from 2015, titled "I'm The Worst Girlfriend" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5JgTP17M6U ). As I was reading that chapter and watching that video, I realized that I am the exact same way.
Recently, I have been "asked out" a few times by guys that I just have no interest in. I would say that my non-interest was the only thing that kept me from saying yes, but as you can guess, there's more to the story. Something inside of me freaks out and goes straight to "bro-mode" whenever a guy even shows slight interest in me, whether it's reciprocated or not. I freak out. I start making up reasons why I can't date him. Literally, it makes me uncomfortable. Although, the other reason why I said no to the past few guys is because they either hadn't seen me in person in years, or they hadn't seen me in person at all. So, in their minds, I was the same Patience they used to know, just more grown up and prettier. That's an automatic no from me!
I've talked about it a few times, but I feel like my main problem is that I have trust issues. In my past, I have been burned by a few guys, but I have also been burned by very close to me, who shall not be named, and burned a bridge that is hard to rebuild for me to trust being in a relationship without the fear that they are either just wanting me for some superficial reason, or that they are just gonna walk out of my life without warning, like this other person did.
Another reason why I'm a terrible girlfriend is because I am so independent and hate to rely on others to help me. I couldn't share my bank account. I can barely share my bed with a dog or stuffed animals. I don't like asking questions. I don't want to feel like someone has to know where I'm at when I go out. I don't like checking in. I feel like if I were in a relationship, I would have to let my boyfriend into my life and have to check in with him before doing things or making decisions. I know not all relationships are like that, but I've seen a few that are, especially marriages, and no thanks to that!
To go along with my last point, I'm also selfish. I tend to think of my friends before myself a lot. But in a relationship, I would have to think of the other person before I did anything. Like I said, it relates heavily to my point on independence. I am the kind of girl who will do what I want to do, within reason, and not care if anyone else approves. For example, when I got my nose ring and tattoo, I called my dad to let him know I was doing it, even though I was an adult, but at that point I had made up my mind that I was doing it. Even though my dad was chill with it, he did not like the fact that his little girl was being pierced and tatted. (Both happened years apart from each other, not on the same day.) But I did it anyway. I couldn't imagine having to ask my boyfriend or husband if I could get another tattoo. I'm that way with a lot of things in my life: traveling, moving, going out with friends, etc. My instinct would be to just do it my way without caring if it affected my boyfriend.
Building off of that, I'm super stubborn. I have my own set of rules and values, and there isn't much you can do to change my mind. If I want to spend my paycheck on a new graphic tee, I'll do it. If I always go home a certain way, even if there's a shorter route, I'll keep going that same route I have been. If I believe that something is true, that is actually just my opinion, I won't budge from it until I have proof. Those are just a few examples. My stubborness is to the point sometimes that I annoy my roommates and family with it. In order for me to date someone, they have to learn how to deal with my stubborness, or they'll have to really prove that I'm wrong.
That brings me to my last point that I'll talk about in this post. I'm a sarcastic/sassy jerk. When I get close to people, I go into "bro-mode" and will just roast the crap out of my friends. So far, I don't think I have crossed any lines, or at least I hope not. I have this thing where I will basically throw up my defenses and "attack" someone else before they can "attack" me. My words have accidently hurt people, and I immediately had to apologize because I knew I had went to far. Anyone I date is gonna have to put up with my humor, wit, sarcasm, sass, and jerk-like tendencies, and they're gonna have to know how to fire back. I can't have someone who retreats and backs down when from me. I need a challenge.
There you have it folks. I'm a terrible girlfriend, but I'm not ashamed of who I am. I realize that it's gonna take a certain someone special to break down my walls and get me to say yes, but for now, that's not gonna happen. My standards are high, and I feel like I need to be able to give my all in a relationship to whoever I date. I guess it makes sense why some of my family thought I was a lesbian for a while, but I promises I like dudes. This is also why I just don't date, and probably won't for a while at least. I haven't found a guy yet who is worthy of me "changing" for and settling down. Who knows, he may not even be in Kentucky, which gives me an excuse to travel more. 😏 The day that I accept a date, everyone better be prepping for a wedding, because it must be serious.
For any guys that are reading this and have asked me out/"dated" me, I'm sorry that you wasted your time pursuing a hot mess like me. I give you props for trying though. Next time, do your research and make sure you know what you're getting yourself into. I'm a tough cookie to crack, and I would probably be the worst girlfriend you could have. (There I go with finding more reasons why guys shouldn't date me.)
In conclusion, I will say that I need to work on myself before I'm ready to be a girlfriend. There's a reason why I haven't really dated since my sophomore year of college. Technically, I haven't had a "boyfriend" since sophomore year of high school, which makes even more sense. I'm just a terrible girlfriend, and I'm kinda okay with that for now. I want to date again and get married and have kids one day, don't get me wrong, but after evaluating myself, I'm glad it's not happening now. And to the current couples, good job on making it work! I have so much respect for you! Maybe one day that'll be me. Until then, what you see is what you get.
Live for God & Love for Music!
- Patience <3 =)
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