I'm not the kind of person who loves having serious chats about my emotions or about myself in general. But there are a few people who can bring that out in me, and those are my two best friends (one of those are also my roommate of 6.5 years). My roommate/best friend/honorary sister, Felisha, is the person who makes me have these hard conversations. In fact, if it weren't for her calling me out today I never would've made the discoveries about myself that I did. Those discoveries are that I have, undiagnosed, anxiety, depression, and anorexia nervosa.
Now I know, those are BIG things to just throw out. But I didn't realize, expect for the anxiety, that for months I have been holding things in and not treating my body well at all! It scares me to think of what would have happened if I hadn't had all of this brought to my attention. Did I hate being a ball of emotions? Yes. But now I'm aware of what I need to work on for myself. I need to get help! And I'm not even saying that I need professional help, but I need help from someone who has been there before and can give tips on what I need to do to get better.
So what's been going on with me? I kinda hate the position I'm in at work. One of my team leads will barely speak to me. I can go a full day off of barely eating anything, and not even recognize it. I just moved. My bank account was drained SO MUCH that I couldn't pay rent and had to take out a $300 loan. My shoudler that I messed up 7 years ago has flared up again. And I don't have much of a social life outside of work. To top all of this off, I never realized that I was getting angry and snippy at those closest to me, because I was self sabotaging myself in several different ways.
Going into my 27th year of life soon has brought out the things that I never knew were going on around me. I feel like I don't recognize the person in the mirror. Where did the old me go? Why am I just learning about this? How can I get better?
Luckily, Felisha had me sit down and write a list of goals for the year to make me look forward to having something to work towards. And blogging more was one of my short-term goals. I forgot how much I loved it. I forgot how good it feels to write down what's going on in my brain at that moment. I starting my list of goals by making a conscious effort to blog about anything. Could be my week/day. Could be a random thought in my head. Could be ANYTHING. But I'm starting this off at my first steps towards completing my goals.
If you can relate or want to talk about anything, don't hesitate to comment down in the comment section, or reach out to me if I know you personally. This isn't my call for help. This is me expressing that I am going to make the effort to turn my life around. And I hope you can too.
-Pay <3
No comments:
Post a Comment