This post is for me, and for anyone else who reads this who may need to hear this too. I talked in my last post about having more love for myself. One of the first ways I'm doing that is taking a look at what I deserve in life, AKA my love life for starters. If you read the title and thought this was gonna be a parody to To All the Boys I've Loved Before or some kind of letter shoutout post to all my ex's and past crushes, you're not completely wrong. This is a reflection post on why things haven't worked out for me in the past, relationship wise, and what I'm looking towards going forward.
To start this post, you should know that I've never had a boyfriend as an adult, and I've never technically been on an actual date. The last guy I actually dated was for 3 days my sophomore year of high school, and he broke up with me because I wouldn't "give it up to him", and then a few weeks later he started dating one of my best friends at the time. Since then, I've had a really good guy friend that I thought was into me, but turns out was either just super flirty or is a coward and doesn't know how to ask a girl on a date.
Then, there was that one guy that I had the hugest crush on since 4th grade, and who was my "boyfriend" from the end of 4th grade to mid-5th grade. We "talked" for a summer and had somewhat of a thing. But homeboy didn't want a girlfriend at the time, but still wanted to keep me thinking I had a shot, until he tried to ask me out the day before I went back to college when summer ended. Let's just say, things ended with me telling him that I was tired of his games and wasn't gonna say yes because he finally realized that he was gonna lose control of me.
Other than those two, I've tried my hand at trying to do the whole online dating thing, but I chicken out every time after a few weeks and can never muster up the courage to actually meet any of the guys I talk to. Or I get the creepy messages and say, "thank u, next". And then you have the random guys from back home who have seen my current staus on social media, and decide that I'm finally "their type", even though they barely gave me the time of day back in high school. So, I guess you could say I "glowed up" and am not the girl I was when I still lived in Harrodsburg. Along the way, I have guys that say I'm pretty who are either not my type or are SUPER creepy/sleezy. This includes a few guys that I thought were the hottest guys in town back in the day. I just haven't really found anyone yet that I click with and who makes a relationship worth having.
So what did I learn from these guys? I learned what I do and don't want in a relationship. I've learned that I keep a wall up around everyone until I feel comfortable around them. And when I do let that wall down, I start to show more of my real self. This is the part of me who is sometimes, well probably a lot of the time, cringe-worthy or cheesy or not your typical girl. But I'm also that girl who just loves love. I love Jesus, music, coffee, dogs, Disney, comfty sweaters, hanging out with my friends, watching a good show/movie, singing, sleeping, and being as basic as I can sometimes. Sometimes I try too hard to get everyone to like me. I don't always have a positive attitude. I don't look like a model. My teeth are jacked up from wearing braces and not taking care of them correctly. My hair isn't always brushed perfectly. I prefer to dress comfortable and hate dressing up. I don't like scary movies. I love musicals. I want to travel as much as possible. And I don't know what I wanna do with my future.
And through it all, I know what I deserve. I deserve a guy who will treat me like a princess. I guy who will accept me for my best and my worst. A guy who won't give up on me and will chase me when I try to run away, because I'm scared of commitment. I need a guy who gets along with my family and friends. A guy who will protect me, but also knows when I can hold my own. Someone who is close, but will also back off when I need my space, just not too much. Someone who will call me out on what I'm doing wrong. And altogether someone who will show me love like I've never known love before. That's what I deserve.
I won't settle for less. I can't settle for less. I know what I'm worth. Maybe there isn't a guy out there that's right for me. And you know what? That's okay. At 26, I can finally say that my family, my friends, and myself are all that I need. If I get a boyfriend and someday fall in love, that's great! But until then, I'm enough. As Evan Hansen (from Dear Evan Hansen) once said, "Today is going to be a good day, and here's why: Because today at least you're you, and that's enough." That's the a-ha moment that took me 26 years to learn. I don't need someone else. My past whatever they were taught me that I'm enough. I don't need anyone else to complete me. If you made it this far and needed to hear this, just know that you are all you need. No one else defines you. Thanks for letting me rant!
Live for God & Love for Music!
- Pay <3 :)
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