One of the main reason I started blogging was to talk about my love for all things music. As I kept writing, it became more about my personal life or things I have opinions about. I'm not mad about the direction it's taken at all, but I've been thinking about the way music makes me feel a lot.
I've always had a passion for music. I grew up with my dad and grandparents starting me off by listening to the local oldies country music station in our hometown. My mom would listen to VH1 and constantly sing songs from her youth, such as Prince and George Michael. Then, you have all the music I experienced through church on Sundays and Wednesdays, MTV (when they still played music videos), VH1, BET, and even CMT (when I still liked country).
I'm pretty sure I started singing at age 3, or maybe even sooner, at church. And I would always belt my little lungs out in the car and whenever my favorite song came on the TV. Today, it's not any different, I've just added shower singing and sometimes singing on social media.
I go to a different place when I'm listening to the a great song blast in my eardrums. I've seen it turn my mood from super sour to happy go lucky. I've had the biggest headache, and the only thing that cures it is singing (true story). There's been times where it wakes me up during a long car ride, and also puts me to sleep instantly. I wish I were making this up!
I'm sure I've annoyed everyone in my life by the way I, on instinct, try to copy whoever I'm listening to. I've developed a wider range and a rasp from doing it. I also think that may be the reason I lose my voice as much as I do. But basically what I'm saying is that I don't intend on copying the artist I listen to.
Am I the best singer? ABSOLUTLEY NOT! But music is the greatest thing to come into my life. It's something that takes over my entire being. If I could make it my career for life, you bet I would. I looked back at my old elementary school video yearbooks, and from kindergarten - 3rd grade I said I wanted to be a popstar or a singer when I grew up, not 4th grade because aparently I thought I was good at basketball that year and wanted to be in the WNBA 😂. Moral to the story is that this isn't something I've recently thought about.
Because I've been surrounded by music so much, my mind is swirling around with lyrics and melodies. I remember every word to a song I heard 20+ years ago. My friends sometimes call me the human Shazam. It's as if it runs through my veins. I'm definitely not 100% correct and don't remember everything, but I impress myself sometimes.
So why is music important to me? It's because it has consumed 95% of my life. It controls my thoughts and feelings. It's one of the main constants in my life, next to God and my family. From sunrise to sunset, I'm always thinking of at least one song. It's like an addiction to something I can't get rid of, but I like the thrill. And yeah I think if you know me you can see how much I love music. I don't hide it very well.
If you want a post about my musical influences, just let me know. I'd be happy to write one or multiple posts about it. Or if you don't want anymore posts from me, let me know too, but I'll probably ignore that request.
-Pay <3
Monday, September 23, 2019
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
Do I Want to Get Married & Have Kids?
As I approach the of my 26th year of life, I'm starting to think more about marriage and kids. If you've been keeping up with the blog posts, or know me in real life, you'll know that I have MAJOR trust and commitment issues. But that doesn't mean I'm not on the look out for potential love.
I go back and forth everyday with the idea of starting a family. On one hand, most of my friends are in some form or relationship, and I'm at the age where it's prime time to start settling down. I get lonely from time to time. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend/future husband, but that's where the other side of it comes in...the trust and commitment issues.
I've talked about it many times before. I don't go on dates, because I've been scarred one too many times. I'm scared that the next guy is going to trample all over my heart and emotions again, like the last, and I'll be left to ponder what could've gone wrong or why I'm "not good enough". Not that I need the approval of anyone else to know I'm enough, but it would be nice to know that I'm worthy of someone's attention.
So then we have the matter of kids in the future. Aside from my family harping on the fact that they want grandkids, when they already have them, I really don't know if I want kids. Most days I think that it would be cool to be a mom and raise kids with my DNA and get to influence how they grow up. Or I think about how cute it would be to have a pregnancy bump and shop for baby clothes for my own child and not someone else's. But then I think about the pain of having to ACTUALLY give birth, or the screaming baby/toddler phases, and I think "nah! not my scene."
Then, there's the matter of my family. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY FAMILY. But sometimes I look at how, dare I say, disfunctional my family is, and I think about trying to explain the whole mess to somebody else. I'm not ashamed, but that's adding one more person into an already difficult equation that is my family.
Overall, I'm conflicted on the issue of dating, marriage, and kids. And on top of that, I can barely keep up with my own life. How can I introduce someone into my chaos if I can't get my own life straightened out?! Would that throw a wrench in things? Would it ease the tension and stress by having someone to lean on? And how would that affect my friendships? Would it affect anything? And not to mention, I've never been on a real date. How does one date? What do I wear? What's a good date look like? What's "normal" date behavior? So many questions!
It's not that I haven't tried. I've written about the "major" love fails, and heartbreaks. But I've tried just about every dating site, which either gets too weird, one of us ghosts the other, or someone gets too curious and I freak out and delete the app (Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, etc.). I've tried church, where everyone is either too young, too old, already taken, or not my type. I've tried work, but that complicates things too much, or one of the above happens, on top of they might also not be into women. Nothing has really clicked yet.
The closest thing right now is that I'm talking to someone who is "an old friend" from high school, but I don't know what the situation. Part of me wonders what it would be like to just go for it. But the other half is wondering if we were meant to be just friends, and I'm only thinking I'm catching feels because he's something sort of familiar and safe. But it's been years, and part of me is terrified that if he sees me in real life after all these years, I won't live up to his expectation of me online. So we're back at square one.
To answer the initial question of if I want marriage and kids, I think for now the answer is yes. The hard part is figuring out how to acheive that goal without retreating into my bubble. I realize that I only doubt my desire to be a wife and mother someday whenever I start getting too in my head. I get scared that there's no one out there for me. I get in the mindset that I'm not gonna find that person who will fight for me and challenge me to not give up on myself and others. I just need someone to complicate my life so much that I can't go on without them in it to disrupt whatever the curent balance is. Only then will it be possible for me to truly know become a wife and mother one day. And I think that desire grows stronger the older I get and the more I see my friends getting to experience these things.
Maybe it'll happen one day. Until then, I know that I don't need a man or kids to define me. I can do me just fine on my own. I've made it almost 27 more, and it hasn't slowed me down yet. I just need to find someone to keep up with me. Maybe someday. :)
I go back and forth everyday with the idea of starting a family. On one hand, most of my friends are in some form or relationship, and I'm at the age where it's prime time to start settling down. I get lonely from time to time. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend/future husband, but that's where the other side of it comes in...the trust and commitment issues.
I've talked about it many times before. I don't go on dates, because I've been scarred one too many times. I'm scared that the next guy is going to trample all over my heart and emotions again, like the last, and I'll be left to ponder what could've gone wrong or why I'm "not good enough". Not that I need the approval of anyone else to know I'm enough, but it would be nice to know that I'm worthy of someone's attention.
So then we have the matter of kids in the future. Aside from my family harping on the fact that they want grandkids, when they already have them, I really don't know if I want kids. Most days I think that it would be cool to be a mom and raise kids with my DNA and get to influence how they grow up. Or I think about how cute it would be to have a pregnancy bump and shop for baby clothes for my own child and not someone else's. But then I think about the pain of having to ACTUALLY give birth, or the screaming baby/toddler phases, and I think "nah! not my scene."
Then, there's the matter of my family. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY FAMILY. But sometimes I look at how, dare I say, disfunctional my family is, and I think about trying to explain the whole mess to somebody else. I'm not ashamed, but that's adding one more person into an already difficult equation that is my family.
Overall, I'm conflicted on the issue of dating, marriage, and kids. And on top of that, I can barely keep up with my own life. How can I introduce someone into my chaos if I can't get my own life straightened out?! Would that throw a wrench in things? Would it ease the tension and stress by having someone to lean on? And how would that affect my friendships? Would it affect anything? And not to mention, I've never been on a real date. How does one date? What do I wear? What's a good date look like? What's "normal" date behavior? So many questions!
It's not that I haven't tried. I've written about the "major" love fails, and heartbreaks. But I've tried just about every dating site, which either gets too weird, one of us ghosts the other, or someone gets too curious and I freak out and delete the app (Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, etc.). I've tried church, where everyone is either too young, too old, already taken, or not my type. I've tried work, but that complicates things too much, or one of the above happens, on top of they might also not be into women. Nothing has really clicked yet.
The closest thing right now is that I'm talking to someone who is "an old friend" from high school, but I don't know what the situation. Part of me wonders what it would be like to just go for it. But the other half is wondering if we were meant to be just friends, and I'm only thinking I'm catching feels because he's something sort of familiar and safe. But it's been years, and part of me is terrified that if he sees me in real life after all these years, I won't live up to his expectation of me online. So we're back at square one.
To answer the initial question of if I want marriage and kids, I think for now the answer is yes. The hard part is figuring out how to acheive that goal without retreating into my bubble. I realize that I only doubt my desire to be a wife and mother someday whenever I start getting too in my head. I get scared that there's no one out there for me. I get in the mindset that I'm not gonna find that person who will fight for me and challenge me to not give up on myself and others. I just need someone to complicate my life so much that I can't go on without them in it to disrupt whatever the curent balance is. Only then will it be possible for me to truly know become a wife and mother one day. And I think that desire grows stronger the older I get and the more I see my friends getting to experience these things.
Maybe it'll happen one day. Until then, I know that I don't need a man or kids to define me. I can do me just fine on my own. I've made it almost 27 more, and it hasn't slowed me down yet. I just need to find someone to keep up with me. Maybe someday. :)
Monday, September 2, 2019
Discovering Who I Am
I'm not the kind of person who loves having serious chats about my emotions or about myself in general. But there are a few people who can bring that out in me, and those are my two best friends (one of those are also my roommate of 6.5 years). My roommate/best friend/honorary sister, Felisha, is the person who makes me have these hard conversations. In fact, if it weren't for her calling me out today I never would've made the discoveries about myself that I did. Those discoveries are that I have, undiagnosed, anxiety, depression, and anorexia nervosa.
Now I know, those are BIG things to just throw out. But I didn't realize, expect for the anxiety, that for months I have been holding things in and not treating my body well at all! It scares me to think of what would have happened if I hadn't had all of this brought to my attention. Did I hate being a ball of emotions? Yes. But now I'm aware of what I need to work on for myself. I need to get help! And I'm not even saying that I need professional help, but I need help from someone who has been there before and can give tips on what I need to do to get better.
So what's been going on with me? I kinda hate the position I'm in at work. One of my team leads will barely speak to me. I can go a full day off of barely eating anything, and not even recognize it. I just moved. My bank account was drained SO MUCH that I couldn't pay rent and had to take out a $300 loan. My shoudler that I messed up 7 years ago has flared up again. And I don't have much of a social life outside of work. To top all of this off, I never realized that I was getting angry and snippy at those closest to me, because I was self sabotaging myself in several different ways.
Going into my 27th year of life soon has brought out the things that I never knew were going on around me. I feel like I don't recognize the person in the mirror. Where did the old me go? Why am I just learning about this? How can I get better?
Luckily, Felisha had me sit down and write a list of goals for the year to make me look forward to having something to work towards. And blogging more was one of my short-term goals. I forgot how much I loved it. I forgot how good it feels to write down what's going on in my brain at that moment. I starting my list of goals by making a conscious effort to blog about anything. Could be my week/day. Could be a random thought in my head. Could be ANYTHING. But I'm starting this off at my first steps towards completing my goals.
If you can relate or want to talk about anything, don't hesitate to comment down in the comment section, or reach out to me if I know you personally. This isn't my call for help. This is me expressing that I am going to make the effort to turn my life around. And I hope you can too.
-Pay <3
Now I know, those are BIG things to just throw out. But I didn't realize, expect for the anxiety, that for months I have been holding things in and not treating my body well at all! It scares me to think of what would have happened if I hadn't had all of this brought to my attention. Did I hate being a ball of emotions? Yes. But now I'm aware of what I need to work on for myself. I need to get help! And I'm not even saying that I need professional help, but I need help from someone who has been there before and can give tips on what I need to do to get better.
So what's been going on with me? I kinda hate the position I'm in at work. One of my team leads will barely speak to me. I can go a full day off of barely eating anything, and not even recognize it. I just moved. My bank account was drained SO MUCH that I couldn't pay rent and had to take out a $300 loan. My shoudler that I messed up 7 years ago has flared up again. And I don't have much of a social life outside of work. To top all of this off, I never realized that I was getting angry and snippy at those closest to me, because I was self sabotaging myself in several different ways.
Going into my 27th year of life soon has brought out the things that I never knew were going on around me. I feel like I don't recognize the person in the mirror. Where did the old me go? Why am I just learning about this? How can I get better?
Luckily, Felisha had me sit down and write a list of goals for the year to make me look forward to having something to work towards. And blogging more was one of my short-term goals. I forgot how much I loved it. I forgot how good it feels to write down what's going on in my brain at that moment. I starting my list of goals by making a conscious effort to blog about anything. Could be my week/day. Could be a random thought in my head. Could be ANYTHING. But I'm starting this off at my first steps towards completing my goals.
If you can relate or want to talk about anything, don't hesitate to comment down in the comment section, or reach out to me if I know you personally. This isn't my call for help. This is me expressing that I am going to make the effort to turn my life around. And I hope you can too.
-Pay <3
Tuesday, May 7, 2019
Change is Good!
This morning I was listening to the podcast "Pretty Basic", which is a lifestyle podcast by Alisha Marie and Remi Ashten. The topic was about being yourself and recognizing how far you've come. Remi was talking about how she is a people pleaser and is someone who needs closure on friendships, but she also still has love for the people in her past, if it were a true friendship or relationship. If you know me, you'll know this is EXACTLY how I am.
I am that friend who will try to milk a friendship until it's dead, and even then I stilll try to make things work. But as I was listening to this, I was watching some snapchat stories and looking at instagram posts from old friends that I used to hang out within the past year. For a second I was sad about how much I missed them and how I at one time called them all close friends. And there was no hatred in my heart for these people. They even said in the podcast that there was a reason why things fizzled out, but it doesn't mean either side is in the wrong.
In the podcast, they also talked about the change that they had went through in just the past 6 months. And in that, they became more themselves and less of what others wanted them to be. That, once again, struck a chord with me. I was looking back at the past missing it, but I'm in a better spot all the way around.
The person I was last year was filled with worry, stress, anxiety, anger, resentment, and jealousy for the life I saw others having. And today, while I'm not 100% the person who has it all figured out, I've come into who I am a bit more. I'm not worried about trying to fit in as much or feeling the need to go out, even though I don't have the money. I'm working hard for my money and keeping the old anxiety at bay as much as I can.
At the beginning of 2018, I was sad and lonely, and I was trying to fit in with groups of people who were only surface-level friendships, which I didn't realize until I was out of the situation. There were only a few people that I could say that I knew any personal things about and had an interest in their lives. Those were the people I can honestly say I wish I hung out with more. They brought out a side of me that is closer to who I actually am. And now I look at the people that I still keep in contact with, and they are the people who cheer me on and I cheer them on. We're not fake with each other. We wanna know how the other is doing. Maybe we don't hang out as much as we want to, but we're working on it.
The next step in my journey is too look forward. To work on the friendships I've made, new and old. I'm thankful for what life has given me thus far, but as I've said a thousand times by now, I'm happy where I'm at. My career is on the uprise, and I'm focusing on myself as much as possible.
So if you're currently in my life and I can call you a friend, THANK YOU! I love you all for being there for me and for encouraging me to be the best person I can be.
Friday, January 11, 2019
To All the Boys I THOUGHT I Loved Before...
This post is for me, and for anyone else who reads this who may need to hear this too. I talked in my last post about having more love for myself. One of the first ways I'm doing that is taking a look at what I deserve in life, AKA my love life for starters. If you read the title and thought this was gonna be a parody to To All the Boys I've Loved Before or some kind of letter shoutout post to all my ex's and past crushes, you're not completely wrong. This is a reflection post on why things haven't worked out for me in the past, relationship wise, and what I'm looking towards going forward.
To start this post, you should know that I've never had a boyfriend as an adult, and I've never technically been on an actual date. The last guy I actually dated was for 3 days my sophomore year of high school, and he broke up with me because I wouldn't "give it up to him", and then a few weeks later he started dating one of my best friends at the time. Since then, I've had a really good guy friend that I thought was into me, but turns out was either just super flirty or is a coward and doesn't know how to ask a girl on a date.
Then, there was that one guy that I had the hugest crush on since 4th grade, and who was my "boyfriend" from the end of 4th grade to mid-5th grade. We "talked" for a summer and had somewhat of a thing. But homeboy didn't want a girlfriend at the time, but still wanted to keep me thinking I had a shot, until he tried to ask me out the day before I went back to college when summer ended. Let's just say, things ended with me telling him that I was tired of his games and wasn't gonna say yes because he finally realized that he was gonna lose control of me.
Other than those two, I've tried my hand at trying to do the whole online dating thing, but I chicken out every time after a few weeks and can never muster up the courage to actually meet any of the guys I talk to. Or I get the creepy messages and say, "thank u, next". And then you have the random guys from back home who have seen my current staus on social media, and decide that I'm finally "their type", even though they barely gave me the time of day back in high school. So, I guess you could say I "glowed up" and am not the girl I was when I still lived in Harrodsburg. Along the way, I have guys that say I'm pretty who are either not my type or are SUPER creepy/sleezy. This includes a few guys that I thought were the hottest guys in town back in the day. I just haven't really found anyone yet that I click with and who makes a relationship worth having.
So what did I learn from these guys? I learned what I do and don't want in a relationship. I've learned that I keep a wall up around everyone until I feel comfortable around them. And when I do let that wall down, I start to show more of my real self. This is the part of me who is sometimes, well probably a lot of the time, cringe-worthy or cheesy or not your typical girl. But I'm also that girl who just loves love. I love Jesus, music, coffee, dogs, Disney, comfty sweaters, hanging out with my friends, watching a good show/movie, singing, sleeping, and being as basic as I can sometimes. Sometimes I try too hard to get everyone to like me. I don't always have a positive attitude. I don't look like a model. My teeth are jacked up from wearing braces and not taking care of them correctly. My hair isn't always brushed perfectly. I prefer to dress comfortable and hate dressing up. I don't like scary movies. I love musicals. I want to travel as much as possible. And I don't know what I wanna do with my future.
And through it all, I know what I deserve. I deserve a guy who will treat me like a princess. I guy who will accept me for my best and my worst. A guy who won't give up on me and will chase me when I try to run away, because I'm scared of commitment. I need a guy who gets along with my family and friends. A guy who will protect me, but also knows when I can hold my own. Someone who is close, but will also back off when I need my space, just not too much. Someone who will call me out on what I'm doing wrong. And altogether someone who will show me love like I've never known love before. That's what I deserve.
I won't settle for less. I can't settle for less. I know what I'm worth. Maybe there isn't a guy out there that's right for me. And you know what? That's okay. At 26, I can finally say that my family, my friends, and myself are all that I need. If I get a boyfriend and someday fall in love, that's great! But until then, I'm enough. As Evan Hansen (from Dear Evan Hansen) once said, "Today is going to be a good day, and here's why: Because today at least you're you, and that's enough." That's the a-ha moment that took me 26 years to learn. I don't need someone else. My past whatever they were taught me that I'm enough. I don't need anyone else to complete me. If you made it this far and needed to hear this, just know that you are all you need. No one else defines you. Thanks for letting me rant!
Live for God & Love for Music!
- Pay <3 :)
To start this post, you should know that I've never had a boyfriend as an adult, and I've never technically been on an actual date. The last guy I actually dated was for 3 days my sophomore year of high school, and he broke up with me because I wouldn't "give it up to him", and then a few weeks later he started dating one of my best friends at the time. Since then, I've had a really good guy friend that I thought was into me, but turns out was either just super flirty or is a coward and doesn't know how to ask a girl on a date.
Then, there was that one guy that I had the hugest crush on since 4th grade, and who was my "boyfriend" from the end of 4th grade to mid-5th grade. We "talked" for a summer and had somewhat of a thing. But homeboy didn't want a girlfriend at the time, but still wanted to keep me thinking I had a shot, until he tried to ask me out the day before I went back to college when summer ended. Let's just say, things ended with me telling him that I was tired of his games and wasn't gonna say yes because he finally realized that he was gonna lose control of me.
Other than those two, I've tried my hand at trying to do the whole online dating thing, but I chicken out every time after a few weeks and can never muster up the courage to actually meet any of the guys I talk to. Or I get the creepy messages and say, "thank u, next". And then you have the random guys from back home who have seen my current staus on social media, and decide that I'm finally "their type", even though they barely gave me the time of day back in high school. So, I guess you could say I "glowed up" and am not the girl I was when I still lived in Harrodsburg. Along the way, I have guys that say I'm pretty who are either not my type or are SUPER creepy/sleezy. This includes a few guys that I thought were the hottest guys in town back in the day. I just haven't really found anyone yet that I click with and who makes a relationship worth having.
So what did I learn from these guys? I learned what I do and don't want in a relationship. I've learned that I keep a wall up around everyone until I feel comfortable around them. And when I do let that wall down, I start to show more of my real self. This is the part of me who is sometimes, well probably a lot of the time, cringe-worthy or cheesy or not your typical girl. But I'm also that girl who just loves love. I love Jesus, music, coffee, dogs, Disney, comfty sweaters, hanging out with my friends, watching a good show/movie, singing, sleeping, and being as basic as I can sometimes. Sometimes I try too hard to get everyone to like me. I don't always have a positive attitude. I don't look like a model. My teeth are jacked up from wearing braces and not taking care of them correctly. My hair isn't always brushed perfectly. I prefer to dress comfortable and hate dressing up. I don't like scary movies. I love musicals. I want to travel as much as possible. And I don't know what I wanna do with my future.
And through it all, I know what I deserve. I deserve a guy who will treat me like a princess. I guy who will accept me for my best and my worst. A guy who won't give up on me and will chase me when I try to run away, because I'm scared of commitment. I need a guy who gets along with my family and friends. A guy who will protect me, but also knows when I can hold my own. Someone who is close, but will also back off when I need my space, just not too much. Someone who will call me out on what I'm doing wrong. And altogether someone who will show me love like I've never known love before. That's what I deserve.
I won't settle for less. I can't settle for less. I know what I'm worth. Maybe there isn't a guy out there that's right for me. And you know what? That's okay. At 26, I can finally say that my family, my friends, and myself are all that I need. If I get a boyfriend and someday fall in love, that's great! But until then, I'm enough. As Evan Hansen (from Dear Evan Hansen) once said, "Today is going to be a good day, and here's why: Because today at least you're you, and that's enough." That's the a-ha moment that took me 26 years to learn. I don't need someone else. My past whatever they were taught me that I'm enough. I don't need anyone else to complete me. If you made it this far and needed to hear this, just know that you are all you need. No one else defines you. Thanks for letting me rant!
Live for God & Love for Music!
- Pay <3 :)
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
New Year, New Motivations
Happy 2019!!! Welcome to a new year of memories and experiences. I'm not gonna say, "New year, new me!" because it's the same me. Instead, it's a new year with new motivations (as you saw from the title of this post). So what does that intell? Well for me, it's new goals I wanna achieve throughout the year. But not just set goals, these goals are things I want to continue and keep growing with throughout 2019 and the rest of my life.
First, I wanna focus on self-love more. If you follow me on instagram or are a friend of mine on Facebook, I posted a selfie yesterday (1/8) with the caption, "Here's to more self-love in 2019 #newyearnewmotivations #loveyourself". The older I get, the more I begin to accept myself for who I am and not what the world wants me to be. I'm definitely already a bit cocky and confident, but I want to continue with that. I'm not a super model with perfect teeth or perfect hair or a six pack, and I'm okay with that. Now that doesn't mean I can't take days to pamper myself and have mental days. I want to strive to feel completely comfortable in my skin and not dissect every flaw I have. Just taking that photo of myself, I had to retake it a million time because I would see a tiny imperfection that I didn't like and I wanted it to be "instagram worthy" (which I know is a dumb way of thinking). So here's to loving myself more in 2019 and beyond!
Secondly, I wanna be more intentional with my friends and family. This one is hard for me. I get inside my own world and don't think about reaching out to my friends to hang out, even after thinking about how much I miss them and wanna hang out. I realize it's a two-way street. I shouldn't expect them to be the ones to reach out. We're all busy, but I wanna make it a habit to be the one to reach out and not expect so much from others. Even with a phone call or text now and then. My family has been on me about this one. I HATE talking on the phone, but this year, for my family's sake, I wanna push myself to call home more and check up on them and say hey. Being intentional also means being more intentional with who I hang out with. I'm a social person, but I've learned that I get close to people too fast who are only temporary or who only wanna be friends in the moment and then we don't talk unless it's in a group or it's superficial. So, I wanna be more intentional with my real and true friends, and let go of toxic and fake friendships. In the end, I think it's better for my mental health and for the status of my good and true friendships.
Third, I wanna continue growing closer to God. If you know me at all, you'll know that my realtionship with Christ is a super important part of my life. This year, I've gone backwards a bit because I haven't gotten to experience much of a community outside of my roommates, because I was always working and was "too tired" to go to church. Which in return made me slip into old habits that I hate about myself. This year, I wanna go to church more and reconnect with my church family and get more involved, other than going once a month to teach the children. That means setting alarms to wake myself up. Going to bed ASAP on Saturday nights. Not making excuses. And maybe even telling my job that I need Sundays off again or finding another BFG or other group of Believers to help me be more accountable and to seek others to talk about the Bible and what God's plan is for my life. Along with growing more with Christ, I wanna read my Bible more. I've been slacking on that this year as well. But it's all apart of my continuous motivation goals of this year and beyond, because you can never hit a point where you can't get closer to God and His word.
Next motivation is travelling more. I want to get out of my small town and state and see the world. I'm making enough money now that I can save up to even go to Tennessee or Chicago or somewhere that's not Kentucky for a few days. For 2019, I wanna add to my list of places I've visited. And I think it's plausible if I motivate myself to save up and make a list of things to go out and do. It will break up the monotony of just working and coming home and then randomly going places within Lexington and surrounding cities. One day, I'm hoping to go back to NY and Ireland and all of my favorite places. So, 2019 begins the year of saving up for those things.
Another motivation is that in 2019 I wanna be more bold. I wanna take risks. Accept compliments from strangers and people I know. Actually try dating for once (if the opportunity arises and I see that it's fit for me). Make hard decisions. Overall, I just wanna be bolder and be a person that I'll look back and be proud of years down the line.
Finally, this last motivation is one that I don't talk about much, but is something I'm passionate about. I wanna sing more. Singing has been a passion of mine every since I was old enough to learn a song by myself, which was probably "Jesus Loves Me". I used to be in choir in high school and even took a vocal class my sophmore year of college, but it's not something I've publicized outside of church back in the day. I've tried making a few videos on YouTube and Instagram, but ultimately I got too timid and hated how they turned out after I posted them. But this year I wanna work more on my voice and start posting more singing content. I love music and I love singing, and I think this year is the year when I'm finally able to start finding ways to enjoy performing again for more than just me and my roommates. Out of all of my goals, this one is honestly the scariest for me, and it might take me a bit to start, so hold me accountable PLEASE!
So here's to 2019! Here's to new motivations. Here's to making new life changes for the better. Here's to not making resolutions, but fufilling life goals. Here's to becoming a better version of myself. That's what I'm hoping to gain from this year and years to come. As one of my favorite bands, All Time Low say, "Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year." Happy new year! I hope you have a successful one!
Live for God & Love for Music!
-Pay <3 :)
First, I wanna focus on self-love more. If you follow me on instagram or are a friend of mine on Facebook, I posted a selfie yesterday (1/8) with the caption, "Here's to more self-love in 2019 #newyearnewmotivations #loveyourself". The older I get, the more I begin to accept myself for who I am and not what the world wants me to be. I'm definitely already a bit cocky and confident, but I want to continue with that. I'm not a super model with perfect teeth or perfect hair or a six pack, and I'm okay with that. Now that doesn't mean I can't take days to pamper myself and have mental days. I want to strive to feel completely comfortable in my skin and not dissect every flaw I have. Just taking that photo of myself, I had to retake it a million time because I would see a tiny imperfection that I didn't like and I wanted it to be "instagram worthy" (which I know is a dumb way of thinking). So here's to loving myself more in 2019 and beyond!
Secondly, I wanna be more intentional with my friends and family. This one is hard for me. I get inside my own world and don't think about reaching out to my friends to hang out, even after thinking about how much I miss them and wanna hang out. I realize it's a two-way street. I shouldn't expect them to be the ones to reach out. We're all busy, but I wanna make it a habit to be the one to reach out and not expect so much from others. Even with a phone call or text now and then. My family has been on me about this one. I HATE talking on the phone, but this year, for my family's sake, I wanna push myself to call home more and check up on them and say hey. Being intentional also means being more intentional with who I hang out with. I'm a social person, but I've learned that I get close to people too fast who are only temporary or who only wanna be friends in the moment and then we don't talk unless it's in a group or it's superficial. So, I wanna be more intentional with my real and true friends, and let go of toxic and fake friendships. In the end, I think it's better for my mental health and for the status of my good and true friendships.
Third, I wanna continue growing closer to God. If you know me at all, you'll know that my realtionship with Christ is a super important part of my life. This year, I've gone backwards a bit because I haven't gotten to experience much of a community outside of my roommates, because I was always working and was "too tired" to go to church. Which in return made me slip into old habits that I hate about myself. This year, I wanna go to church more and reconnect with my church family and get more involved, other than going once a month to teach the children. That means setting alarms to wake myself up. Going to bed ASAP on Saturday nights. Not making excuses. And maybe even telling my job that I need Sundays off again or finding another BFG or other group of Believers to help me be more accountable and to seek others to talk about the Bible and what God's plan is for my life. Along with growing more with Christ, I wanna read my Bible more. I've been slacking on that this year as well. But it's all apart of my continuous motivation goals of this year and beyond, because you can never hit a point where you can't get closer to God and His word.
Next motivation is travelling more. I want to get out of my small town and state and see the world. I'm making enough money now that I can save up to even go to Tennessee or Chicago or somewhere that's not Kentucky for a few days. For 2019, I wanna add to my list of places I've visited. And I think it's plausible if I motivate myself to save up and make a list of things to go out and do. It will break up the monotony of just working and coming home and then randomly going places within Lexington and surrounding cities. One day, I'm hoping to go back to NY and Ireland and all of my favorite places. So, 2019 begins the year of saving up for those things.
Another motivation is that in 2019 I wanna be more bold. I wanna take risks. Accept compliments from strangers and people I know. Actually try dating for once (if the opportunity arises and I see that it's fit for me). Make hard decisions. Overall, I just wanna be bolder and be a person that I'll look back and be proud of years down the line.
Finally, this last motivation is one that I don't talk about much, but is something I'm passionate about. I wanna sing more. Singing has been a passion of mine every since I was old enough to learn a song by myself, which was probably "Jesus Loves Me". I used to be in choir in high school and even took a vocal class my sophmore year of college, but it's not something I've publicized outside of church back in the day. I've tried making a few videos on YouTube and Instagram, but ultimately I got too timid and hated how they turned out after I posted them. But this year I wanna work more on my voice and start posting more singing content. I love music and I love singing, and I think this year is the year when I'm finally able to start finding ways to enjoy performing again for more than just me and my roommates. Out of all of my goals, this one is honestly the scariest for me, and it might take me a bit to start, so hold me accountable PLEASE!
So here's to 2019! Here's to new motivations. Here's to making new life changes for the better. Here's to not making resolutions, but fufilling life goals. Here's to becoming a better version of myself. That's what I'm hoping to gain from this year and years to come. As one of my favorite bands, All Time Low say, "Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year." Happy new year! I hope you have a successful one!
Live for God & Love for Music!
-Pay <3 :)
Saturday, September 15, 2018
The Mask I Wear
I've thought about writing this post millions of times. Basically, the reason for it is one word: ANXIETY. I've written about my anxiety before in previous posts, but recently it's gotten a lot worse. So, the only thing I know to do right now is to write out my feelings. If you're reading this and suffer from anxiety too, I hope this helps you, or at least helps you feel like you're not alone.
Let me start by saying, I haven't had it all of my life. Actually, it didn't start becoming a noticable thing until a few months ago. Maybe there were signs of it beforehand, but I didn't recognize it until the past few months. No, I haven't been properly diagnosed, but I live with 2 people who suffer from severe anxiety and depression, and one of them was the one to even point it out to me.
It started with financial struggles. I was working at a job that was paying me way less than what I needed to pay all of my bills and live comfortably. For months, my bank account would often go into the negatives or I would have to hold off from paying for bills. I didn't even make enough to save at least $5.00. Sounds normal so far right? But the thing that set me over the edge is that I would focus solely on money and finding ways just to pay my bills. And that's when I had my first panic attack. My roommate was talking to me in the car about looking for a new job and leaving a job I knew for 3 years. Immediately, even though she never attacked me and wasn't fighting me, I felt trapped in my own car. It was like I couldn't wait to get out of the car and breathe fresh air. To the average person, we were just having an adult conversation. But my brain told me it was an attack. So, I started crying and breathing heavily. And it happened every time we had that conversation. When she mentioned that I sounded like I had anxiety, it all made sense. I had a feeling that it was anxiety, but I didn't want to label it if I was just super stressed, because I knew that it was a serious mental disease and not something to take lightly. I've seen my roommate have panic attacks before, and it wasn't a walk in the park.
Fast forward to today, where I have a good paying job and plenty of money to live comfortably and pay for all of my bills, but my anxiety has come back full speed. At first, I thought my trigger was money or control, but I've realized that my trigger is not being able to be in control or fix a problem. The first of the panic attacks started when I went home to visit my family last week for my grandpa's birthday. It was a great, but short visit. I was fine while I was there, but it started when I got home and was about to fall asleep. I had found out my second cousin (who I consider just my cousin) was having open heart surgery in the morning, but it was a SUPER risky procedure. To top it off, his sister (who feels more like my aunt than my cousin and who I'm super close to) and my grandma were the only ones who were going to be there, and they both have health issues as well. On top of this happening, I heard about all the tests and possible heart complications going on with my dad. And then I knew my grandpa wasn't in the best health that he was years ago. And my cousins' other sister was trying to start drama. I prayed to God to help all of them and I kept wishing I could just drive back home and be with them instead of in my apartment. That's when it started. I realized I couldn't do anything to help all of them, and my brain shot panic all through my body. I started balling. I couldn't breathe through my nose. I could barely breathe out of my mouth. My chest felt heavy. My body felt hot. And I craved water. But I just wanted to crash to the ground into a ball or grip onto something to make the pain stop. My roommates were all asleep, because it was 1:00am, so I couldn't call out to them for help. After about 15 minutes of crying hard and drinking water to cool and calm myself down, I was finally able to stop it and try to go to sleep. It was one of the scariest feeling I had felt in a while. That is, until a few nights later...
The second time it happened this week was I found out some "truths" about people I was really close to, or I thought I was was close to. That's as far as I'll say for now. They're not bad people, but it was a crappy situation. I had already been feeling upset because I didn't hang out with this certain group of friends, and this night was the straw that broke the camel's back. I found out this secret, and my body tensed up and I had to hold back the tears. My hormones could have had something to do with this, but I knew something was up. So my natural reaction was to shut down, in order to not burst into tears and break down. That part didn't come until after I got home. Once again, my roommates were asleep, so I was alone again. I started balling again. And I couldn't breathe. Much like the first time. In the moment, I thought I was just really upset and didn't recognize that I was having a panic attack. It was on and off like this for hours. I would think about what happened, and it would start again and last for about 15ish minutes each.
The most recent attack came the next day after the situation happened. This time one of my roommates was awake, but I hid my reaction very well. I fast walked to my room, with water and paper towel in hand to calm myself down. Luckily, this was only about 5 minutes. The cause of this was thinking about what went down with my friends again. Thinking about it now, the cause was another time when I wasn't in control. But more than that, I think my brain also wanted to fix what was happening, even though there's nothing that I could do to change it.
My panic attacks aren't my only source of anxiety. Sometimes I don't want to leave my bed or do anything. I can make plans with someone to hang out, but I gotta convince myself to be productive and just do the thing. I don't believe it's full blown social anxiety, but there's aspects of it when I try to go out and find ways to get out of it no matter how fun it will be.
Back to the title of this post, I conceal my anxiety well to anyone who doesn't know me well. It's like a happy mask that I paste onto my face and act like nothing is wrong. Nobody sees me break down. No one sees how unhappy I am. Think of the music video for "Fake Happy" by Paramore, and that's me a good chunk of the time recently. That's not who I am all the time, but I can tell you these past few weeks have been when I've felt it the hardest. I feel like I'm barely holding myself together. It's really hard sometimes, but nobody asks. There's only a rare few who have seen me at my worst and can see through my mask, but most have no clue what's happening in my head. It's like there's a stigma that if you have a mental disease, that you're somehow broken. But that's just your brain playing tricks on you. And I've definitely felt that pain.
I am by no means an expert on this topic, so I need suggestions of what you (if you're in this same situation) do when you are on the verge of a panic attack or are feeling like your anxiety is taking over your entire body. I know thus far I've found that drinking water and listening to music helps calm me, as well as praying for it to pass. This is gonna sound weird, but All Time Low has been the band that has helped the most. It's like I listen to their songs, especially "Weightless", and my body relaxes. It's the weirdest thing! But I'm open to suggestions. I don't wanna take medication, unless it's a last result, so any help or tips would be much appreciated. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes can't recognize the person I'm pretending to be. It's frustrating!
Honestly, I hope that this helped someone. Like I said, I'm not an expert on the topic. But I feel like I needed to share this and get it off of my brain. In a previous post I've talked abotu writing as a method to ease my anxiety and stress, and I'm already seeing progress in my mind the longer I type. If you have every felt like me, don't be ashamed of it. It's scary, but it helps to no that someone else knows exactly how you feel. You're not alone.
Live for God & Love for Music!
-Pay 💕😊
Let me start by saying, I haven't had it all of my life. Actually, it didn't start becoming a noticable thing until a few months ago. Maybe there were signs of it beforehand, but I didn't recognize it until the past few months. No, I haven't been properly diagnosed, but I live with 2 people who suffer from severe anxiety and depression, and one of them was the one to even point it out to me.
It started with financial struggles. I was working at a job that was paying me way less than what I needed to pay all of my bills and live comfortably. For months, my bank account would often go into the negatives or I would have to hold off from paying for bills. I didn't even make enough to save at least $5.00. Sounds normal so far right? But the thing that set me over the edge is that I would focus solely on money and finding ways just to pay my bills. And that's when I had my first panic attack. My roommate was talking to me in the car about looking for a new job and leaving a job I knew for 3 years. Immediately, even though she never attacked me and wasn't fighting me, I felt trapped in my own car. It was like I couldn't wait to get out of the car and breathe fresh air. To the average person, we were just having an adult conversation. But my brain told me it was an attack. So, I started crying and breathing heavily. And it happened every time we had that conversation. When she mentioned that I sounded like I had anxiety, it all made sense. I had a feeling that it was anxiety, but I didn't want to label it if I was just super stressed, because I knew that it was a serious mental disease and not something to take lightly. I've seen my roommate have panic attacks before, and it wasn't a walk in the park.
Fast forward to today, where I have a good paying job and plenty of money to live comfortably and pay for all of my bills, but my anxiety has come back full speed. At first, I thought my trigger was money or control, but I've realized that my trigger is not being able to be in control or fix a problem. The first of the panic attacks started when I went home to visit my family last week for my grandpa's birthday. It was a great, but short visit. I was fine while I was there, but it started when I got home and was about to fall asleep. I had found out my second cousin (who I consider just my cousin) was having open heart surgery in the morning, but it was a SUPER risky procedure. To top it off, his sister (who feels more like my aunt than my cousin and who I'm super close to) and my grandma were the only ones who were going to be there, and they both have health issues as well. On top of this happening, I heard about all the tests and possible heart complications going on with my dad. And then I knew my grandpa wasn't in the best health that he was years ago. And my cousins' other sister was trying to start drama. I prayed to God to help all of them and I kept wishing I could just drive back home and be with them instead of in my apartment. That's when it started. I realized I couldn't do anything to help all of them, and my brain shot panic all through my body. I started balling. I couldn't breathe through my nose. I could barely breathe out of my mouth. My chest felt heavy. My body felt hot. And I craved water. But I just wanted to crash to the ground into a ball or grip onto something to make the pain stop. My roommates were all asleep, because it was 1:00am, so I couldn't call out to them for help. After about 15 minutes of crying hard and drinking water to cool and calm myself down, I was finally able to stop it and try to go to sleep. It was one of the scariest feeling I had felt in a while. That is, until a few nights later...
The second time it happened this week was I found out some "truths" about people I was really close to, or I thought I was was close to. That's as far as I'll say for now. They're not bad people, but it was a crappy situation. I had already been feeling upset because I didn't hang out with this certain group of friends, and this night was the straw that broke the camel's back. I found out this secret, and my body tensed up and I had to hold back the tears. My hormones could have had something to do with this, but I knew something was up. So my natural reaction was to shut down, in order to not burst into tears and break down. That part didn't come until after I got home. Once again, my roommates were asleep, so I was alone again. I started balling again. And I couldn't breathe. Much like the first time. In the moment, I thought I was just really upset and didn't recognize that I was having a panic attack. It was on and off like this for hours. I would think about what happened, and it would start again and last for about 15ish minutes each.
The most recent attack came the next day after the situation happened. This time one of my roommates was awake, but I hid my reaction very well. I fast walked to my room, with water and paper towel in hand to calm myself down. Luckily, this was only about 5 minutes. The cause of this was thinking about what went down with my friends again. Thinking about it now, the cause was another time when I wasn't in control. But more than that, I think my brain also wanted to fix what was happening, even though there's nothing that I could do to change it.
My panic attacks aren't my only source of anxiety. Sometimes I don't want to leave my bed or do anything. I can make plans with someone to hang out, but I gotta convince myself to be productive and just do the thing. I don't believe it's full blown social anxiety, but there's aspects of it when I try to go out and find ways to get out of it no matter how fun it will be.
Back to the title of this post, I conceal my anxiety well to anyone who doesn't know me well. It's like a happy mask that I paste onto my face and act like nothing is wrong. Nobody sees me break down. No one sees how unhappy I am. Think of the music video for "Fake Happy" by Paramore, and that's me a good chunk of the time recently. That's not who I am all the time, but I can tell you these past few weeks have been when I've felt it the hardest. I feel like I'm barely holding myself together. It's really hard sometimes, but nobody asks. There's only a rare few who have seen me at my worst and can see through my mask, but most have no clue what's happening in my head. It's like there's a stigma that if you have a mental disease, that you're somehow broken. But that's just your brain playing tricks on you. And I've definitely felt that pain.
I am by no means an expert on this topic, so I need suggestions of what you (if you're in this same situation) do when you are on the verge of a panic attack or are feeling like your anxiety is taking over your entire body. I know thus far I've found that drinking water and listening to music helps calm me, as well as praying for it to pass. This is gonna sound weird, but All Time Low has been the band that has helped the most. It's like I listen to their songs, especially "Weightless", and my body relaxes. It's the weirdest thing! But I'm open to suggestions. I don't wanna take medication, unless it's a last result, so any help or tips would be much appreciated. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes can't recognize the person I'm pretending to be. It's frustrating!
Honestly, I hope that this helped someone. Like I said, I'm not an expert on the topic. But I feel like I needed to share this and get it off of my brain. In a previous post I've talked abotu writing as a method to ease my anxiety and stress, and I'm already seeing progress in my mind the longer I type. If you have every felt like me, don't be ashamed of it. It's scary, but it helps to no that someone else knows exactly how you feel. You're not alone.
Live for God & Love for Music!
-Pay 💕😊
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