What's New in 2024?

     Hi! I can't believe I'm back at this again! It's been at least 4 years since I blogged. I wrote in a journal for a bit. But it's not the same as typing out my feelings. So let's catch up on what's been going on.

    For starters, it's currently February 5, 2024. Four years since my stepmom, Judy, passed away. Arguably one of the hardest days of my life. And I really don't wanna rehash how that day went. I  feel like a broken record recounting every painstaking detai. But it is something that needs to be addressed. 

    So many things have changed since that day though, both good and bad. But each thing has formed me into the person I am not. Which, FYI, I was 27 when Judy died, and I am currently 31. 

    The bad: I no longer talk to either of my siblings. And I haven't even met my stepsister's youngest son, and he's probably about 3 years old now. The only nephew I do talk to is my oldest nephew, who is actually only my nephew because his dad was married to my sister. But she moved on fast after my stepmom died and is now married to her baby daddy of her second son. Another not so great update, both of my grandparents are in an assisted living facility, and my grandma's dementia gets worse and worse everyday. I think it's also been about 3 or 4 years since she was able to care for herself and be in her own home. On top of this, in the past couple of months, both my cousin (technically second cousin) Robin, who was more like a mother to me than a cousin, and her older brother, Buddy, passed away within a month of each other. I'll spare the details of their deaths, but both were very jarring and took a toll on our family yet again. And there's so much more, that it felt like we couldn't catch a break for a LONG time.

    Now onto the good things that have come about since 2/5/2020. I have changed jobs, and finally got my first managememt position, which I am still learning. I got to reconnect with my cousins and aunts/uncle for the first time in YEARS. I'm becoming financially abundant for the first time in my life. I'm working everyday on my mental health and discovering more about myself and my mind each day. I've gotten to travel with my best friend/roommate, as well as my other best friend, to see some of my favorite bands in concert, and have even met a few of them. I started opening up my mind more and more to the world, and now I feel like I'm becoming truly the person I was always meant to be. My best friend/roommate got a cat, who became my floofy goddaughter and an emotional support animal on days, like today, when I just need a mental brain break. I've been able to balance work and making time to go see some family and friends when I can. And I've truly been able to get on a journey that has helped buid me into the best version of myself that I can be. 

    I look back to the entire year of 2020 and just see an entirely different human. I was actually a shell of a human for most of that year, including the months that I blacked out of my memory. But since then, I have reclaimed my strength and have gained so much more. I have a support system of people around me to keep me on the path I need to go. I have more resources to go to when I'm in doubt. I'm figuring out this adult thing on my own. And it's hella scary! But I'm persevering one day at a time. One step at a time. 

    I used to be scared to go through life after losing Judy. She was the first mother figure that I had lost. And it seemed like without her, I was losing my way. But I'm finding my way back. And I can look back at that entire period of my life and see what I don't want to turn into again. I will always miss Judy and am  forever grateful for the years I had with her. But I don't think I would have learned to be strong if I didn't go through that.

    Here's to you Judy! I hope I'm making you proud! I wonder what you would've thought about everything happening in 2024. It's truly a new world. But it will always be a little less bright without you. Miss you and love you! Forever and always! Thanks for being a mom to me for almost 14 years! 

- Pay <3

The Comparison Game

     There are those tiny moments in life where you overreact to things and question every decison you've made. Are you in the right career? Did you choose the right major? Did you go to the right college? What would have happened if you said yes/no to a certain opportunity? To a certain person? Are you hanging out with the right friends? All these things can make your mind spin with one moment in time. You start playing the comparison game, and it becomes a toxic cycle.

     This is what happened when I got an invite to a Facebook group for my 10 year high school reunion (well 10 years in May 2021). I looked at all the posts and who I was and wasn't Facebook friends with. I was seeing who had kids, who was married, who was engaged, where was everyone at now, etc. And it became this unhealthy situation when I started seeing that I was one of the few people not dating/married, no kids, and was still working in a retail job even though I have a Bachelor's Degree in elementary education.

      So what things did I start thinking??? Glad you asked!

        - "I'm such a loser! I can't show up to my reunion single!"

        - "HE/SHE'S MARRIED?! AND THEY HAVE KIDS?! What am I doing wrong?!"

        - "______ is a nurse. I'm still at Target barely making enough income to pay my debts. I should've tried harder for a teaching job."

       - "_____ and _____ are still friends. I want to be friends with them! Their lives look way cooler than mine."

       - ...and many other false thoughts.

     Like I said, it's not healthy. And I know deep in my soul that I am where I am today because I chose to walk away from certain situations in my life that no longer served me. I'm nowhere near the person I was in high school. I've grown and matured into someone my future self will, hopefully, be proud of. High school me was close-minded and didn't really care as deeply for those around me as I claimed. I said and did things that 27 year old me would've yelled at 17 year old me for.

      The one thing I can say is that I kept a good close circle of friends around me. And today I am still friends with most of them. But I look back and see growth. We're adults with ideas and thoughts that have been forced to change through life experiences. And I know that I no longer associate with a lot of the ideals I had in 2011. 

      But back to thing comparison complex situation. Like I said, it's a very toxic sate of mind to be in. My heart was telling me that I have everything I need to be in my current sitaution. But my head said that I didn't try hard enough to find the perfect job, perfect partner, and perfect friend group. I should have been keeping in touch with everyone I was friends with. When in reality, it's all a false sense of hope that I know are just my insecurities bringing me back to a time when I tried too hard to fit in everywhere and ended up miserable on the inside, but perky and bubbly on the outside. And seeing  others "boo'ed up" got me thinking about how I should've just stopped being picky and settled for someone who probably was completely wrong for me and wouldn't benefit my personal development in these past 10 years. 

       Saying these things aloud confirms the fact that comparing yourself to others is a dangerous game to give into. Once you're in it, you have to struggle to get out. It's like no matter what you do, nothing will ever be enough. But then you take a step back and look at the amazing aspects in your life now. These things couldn't happen without change. And by comparing myself, I was condeming myself back into the shell of my shy, introverted, close-minded, terrible version of myself from 10+ years ago. 

         Today I can look at myself in the mirror and reflect on how much I've grown as a person. There is no comparison to being in your late-twenties and hanving a great support system, single or not, that was created for you to show you that you are more than a dumb photo in a yearbook that you're afraid to associate with. 

         I encourage you today to reflect on your transformation from your past until now. Destroy the comparion game and encourage others in their journey. I wish I could say I have stopped comparing my sitatuion, but the truth is that it's an ongoing battle that helps whenever you look back on the good areas in life. If you come across this issue in your own life, I encourage you to stop, take a deep breath, and think of everything you wouldn't have now if certain bad and good moments wouldn't have happed. You're smarter and stronger than you ever thought you could. Make today a day your future self would be proud of. 

-Pay <3

7 Months Ago...

      Wow! It's gonna be 7 months soon. On February 5, 2020, my family lost my step-mom, Judy, to a mysterious illness. And that was just weeks before the COVID-19 pandemic bursted into what is putting the world on pause. But it wasn't until a week ago that I realized that there was a part of me that's still been trying to heal and process.

      The conversation started with my roommate in the car on the way home. We were talking about how we haven't hung out outside of work and occasionally our family since quaratine started in March. She mentioned how she'd done a lot at the beginning of the year. But when I tried to think about what happened before March, my mind was blank. It's like I had holes in my memeories...That was until we started looking back at old Instagram stories.

      And there is was! I saw stories from the hospital. Memorial posts. And the occasional fun post. But my mental health had declined so much that I had blocked out the pain of what had happened. I had tried to be so strong that I completely forgot that I was, yet again, trying to heal others before I healed myself. And in turn, I had pushed away my family and went into pandemic mindset and worked through it all.

     Here I am on September 4th, and I was taking a shower and listening to a podcast. For some reason, the person mentioned experiencing a lot of trauma but perservering, and it hit me what the date was. Memories started flooding back like a freight train. Immediately I started crying and sank to the floor of the shower, the exact way I did the moment my dad and I had watched Judy take her last breath. My anxiety attack came hard! If you've ever experienced one, you know how crippling it can be. The last time I experienced it was when I felt like I had no control in that hospital room and watched the life drain from this woman who felt like a second mother to me. But, at the same time, realizing that I couldn't protect my dad or my siblings or niece and nephews from this pain either. I was a mess!

     I'm not writing this to get sympathy. But as a form of therapy for myself. The one thing I remember most was how much Judy loved reading my blogs. Apparently, I made her cry a few times. So I guess in a way this is in honor of her. 

      I know a lot is going on right now in the world. And I know a few friends who are experiencing pain similar to this. And there's the group who are discovering how to perservere through their struggles with mental health as well. I just wanna say that you're not alone. If anything, I've learned through 2020 that the world isn't going to get back to normal, but you gotta find the small victories in life to celebrate. And we're all gonna heal from the trials differently. For me, it's through having the outlets to be creative and help others.

      This post is all over the place, but it's good to be back. It's theraputic to get all the thoughts in my head out. And it's good to think of Judy and look back on the good memories instead of the trauma. It may have taken almost 7 months to come to the realization, but it's a journey I needed. Maybe temporarily blocking out January and February was exactly what I needed to get back on track.

    ** As a side note: I want to try to start up something in Judy's honor. But I'm not sure yet how to do it. I definitely want to do it as a way to give back to everything that gave life to Judy. If you have any suggestions, please let me know!**

      I guess in conclusion, I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has helped me be where I am today. Once again, if you're struggling with anything, and I mean anything, just know that you're not alone and things will, even if only temporarily, get better. Here's to hoping the rest of 2020 and 2021 will provide you with ways to smile and keep pushing on! Hope you have a great day whenever you're reading this!

-Pay 💓😊

          R.I.P. JUDY LYNN COX ❤

           3/9/1955 - 2/5/2020

Judy ❤

     I wanna start this out by saying thank you to everyone who has reached out to my family and I! It's probably been one of the hardest things I've dealt with in my life. I'm not writing this to get sympathy, but to process my emotions and hopefully answer any questions about what happened. If you don't know what I'm talking about, my stepmom passed away a few days ago from an unknown brain infection/disease.
     It all started back in July 2019, literally just a few months ago. Judy, my stepmom, was sent to St. Joseph Hospital because of this same thing. It started out as her losing her vision, but then her whole body started to shut down and she basically went into a coma state. She was there for 3 weeks. The first MRI showed some swelling on the brain, but not enough to cause this. And then, after pumping her with steroids, the swelling magically disappeared. So we thought it had gone away. At that time, the doctors said she might not make it. They had only seen the symptoms of her illness in textbooks, but nobody knew what it was.
     So she went back to normal life after that. She couldn't work and had just started driving a little bit again. But her and my dad were living life per usually. That lasted about 6 months, and then things escalated in the blink of an eye.
     It was a normal January morning. My dad and Judy were sitting in the living room drinking coffee and eating breakfast. She asked him to call her phone, and he found it in their bedroom. My dad got up and walked down the tiny hall to their bedroom, and he was gonna for about a minute or 2. When he came out he heard snoring. In a joking tone he said, "Is that you snoring, or the dogs?" No response. He walked down the hall and found her slumped over in the chair, snoring and unresponsive. Urgently, he tried to wake her and called 911.
     At the hospital, she came out of it and remembered her name and everything. Nothing to worry about. But Harrodsburg Hospital said she had a seizure, so they transferred her to St. Joseph. St. Joseph ran tests and found no seizure, but ran an EEG to monitor her for seizures for a couple of days. Then, they ran an MRI. At this point, she was still talking. But as days went on, her speech went from murmurs to very slurred to nothing. They gave her IV's and a catheter. Then they put her on a feeding tube. She went from calm to extremely agitated to calm again to just sleeping all the time.
     Still no results again, except a little swelling on the brain. Once again, nothing that should have caused her brain to basically shut down.
     My dad stayed by her side through all of it, never leaving the hospital and sleeping in her room if he could. My brother, sister-in-law, and I came over everyday. My sister, nephew, grandparents, and a few family friends called and visited when they could. But we had hope she would miraculously come out of it again
     They had moved her from a room to the CCU, and then saw some breathing issues, as well as her not being able to keep her eyes opened for more than a few seconds. She had no anesthesia, and her sleeping medicine was as low as could be. So they moved her to the ICU after they performed a brain biopsy.
     After surgery, we went to see her and still had faith she was getting better. We all went home, and told my dad we'd see him in the morning. My niece and nephew had school the next day, and I had planned on trying to go back to work that next night. I was gone for about an hour and a half.
     Things took a sharp turn then. Around 11:30pm, I had just closed my eyes, when I got a call from my grandma. She asked if my dad had called yet. He hadn't. In a shaky voice, she told me that Judy was being put on a ventilator and her heart rate was dropping drastically. Instantly, we both started sobbing. So I got off the phone, jumped out of bed, and put on clothes. My dad called crying and I told him I was heading out the door.
     I got there, and was met by the chaplain. I saw my dad, squeezed him tightly, and he explained the situation, which was exactly what my grandma had said. I was shaking, crying, and having a full-blown panic attack. My dad told my siblings to stay home until he had more news. So we sat and cried until Judy's cousin, Jody, came and visited with us.
     After a bit, they let us all go back and see her. Immediately, my knees gave out once I saw her on the ventilator. I could barely breathe from crying. It was the scariest thing I had seen. I tried to be strong for my dad, but I couldn't in that moment. We both hadn't ate or slept, and our stomachs churned.
     We went back in the waiting room. I called my grandparents to come support us. I knew I wasn't strong enough alone. At that time, they had just taken sleeping pills and couldn't drive, but came a few hours later.
     Time went on, and around 3:30 or 4:00am we both tried to close our eyes and wait while we waited for my grandparents. As soon as we did though, the chaplain came back and gave us the news that Judy's heart rate was going down even more again, and they were adding another machine. If that didn't work, they were going Code Blue and trying to resuscitate her. In the moment we said, "Whatever it takes to save her!" I called my brother and sister from my dad's phone and told them to come ASAP.
      Not long after that, the chaplain comes back in, and my grandparents had arrived. Well, this time he said that instead of 2 commission machines, they were adding the 4th, which they normally only go up to 3. And my dad asked him if he was doing the right thing, but the chaplain told him she was basically brain dead and her body was run by the machines. That's when me and my dad knew we would be selfish to keep her on the machines, she wouldn't want that. But we promised to make the decision as a family. We called my siblings, who agreed. So it was decided that once the machines stopped working, don't try to bring her back.
      After gathering up the strength to walk back in her room, my dad and I went and stayed until her final breath. My grandparents said goodbye, and went to the waiting room to give us space and wait for my siblings. With tears staining our faces, we told her it was okay to go home to Heaven and be with her parents and the others who had already gone. My dad told her he wanted to see her pretty blue eyes one more time, and she finally opened them! It was the confirmation needed to say goodbye. We watched as the monitor flat lined, and that was it.
      After a few long minutes, we walked out and let them clean her up. At 5:04am, she had passed on. We waited for my siblings to get there, but my dad called them once his voice would let him. After almost 13 years of marriage, he lost his soulmate. My siblings lost their mom. I lost my second mom. My nieces and nephews lost their nana. But Heaven gained another beautiful angel.
     That's how it happened. We STILL don't know what caused it, what it was, or why it came back. But it should be named after her. It's something I can't forget. She fought hard to overcome it. It was her time to go.
      I can't say we're fine. I don't want your sympathy. But I want to be there for anyone going through this. I hope this inspires you to live everyday like it's your last and to take care of yourself. Hold those you love close. Don't take every moment for granted. And if you've lost someone close, I'm here to offer my condolences. You're not alone.
      The most frequent questions we've gotten are: "How are you guys?" and "What can we do to help?" We're all heartbroken and devastated, but we're taking it day by day. And for help, just be there. Keeping everyone company and remembering the good times. That's what we need. And if you financially can donate, give to your local animal shelters. Judy LOVED animals, and we want the money to go to them to help every animal find a good home. But mostly, you can help by reaching out to my family. My dad is gonna need people around him as he transitions into life without Judy waking up next to him each morning. My brother and sister will need help living life without their mom. My niece and nephews will need help seeing how life will be without nana. And just connections are the most important thing.
     Like I said, I'm not writing this for attention. This is how I process my feelings. But I also need a place to answer questions without falling apart from reliving the experience verbally. I think I might seriously have PTSD from being in the same room when she breathed her last breath. And I already don't process death well as it is. But this is my way of helping the grieving process. I've cried more than I thought I could. I'm having nightmares. I don't feel like eating much. But I think getting it all out is helping with that process.
      It doesn't seem real. But it's life now. Thank you to EVERYONE who has reached out! Your support is more than you'll ever know to us! THANK YOU! ❤❤❤❤❤❤
       Judy was an amazing human! Life won't be the same. But if you have any memories of her, feel free to share them. We love you Judy! Rest in peace! See you on the other side! ❤

Rejection

     Rejection. We've all been through it. It sucks! One minute you're on top of the world. And then, in a heartbeat you get crushed. It's like the whole world crumbles around you. It's not always romatically being rejected, but it could be from former friends, a job position, or even a total stranger. Recently, it happened to me 3 times in the past week. And shockingly, they all happened while I was at work.
     The first time was by a former friend. See the thing with this "friendship" was that I don't even know why we stopped talking. We were fine one day, and then the next she randomly started drifting farther away, until we just never saw or spoke to her for a VERY long time. This past week I was just doing my job and cleaning up the store, like I usually do. And out of the corner of my eye I saw her from the other side of the store. Knowing our previoud run-ins, where she got all awkward when myself and another friend tried to talk to her, I decided to just stay where I was in plain sight and just wait until she got closer to try to say hi. Well, to my disbelief, I look up right at the moment that I see her make a detour around where I was standing, just to avoid me.
     Normally, I wouldn't have been as bothered. But I literally have NO IDEA what I did to this girl. To put it in perspective, we were basically best friends and kinda roommates at one point. And now, for her to act as if I were a complete stranger, it stung a bit. But I guess that's what happens when friends drift apart.
      The second occurance was even more shocking! This person was someone that I recently was close to, dare I say we were friends and had several conversations when she would come into the store EVERY WEDNESDAY after dropping her daughter off at church. So needless to say, when this happened, I was hurt and confused as to what I had done.
       Let me break it done for you. So as I said, she comes in EVERY Wednesday. Which means that she can't use the excuse that she didn't know I would be there. I had noticed her walk by me a few weeks in a row without saying anything to me, but I was always in a place where I just assumed she hadn't seen me or something, or maybe she was just very busy and didn't have time to talk. I mean I get that. BUT this time, a coworker and I were coming out of the breakroom, and we were having a conversation. As we're going down the tiny market aisle, I catch a glimpse of this friend from the corner of my eye. I only didn't say anything first, because I was in the midst of a conversation. But what I did see, was that she had made eye contact with me when I saw her out of the corner of my eye. But when I went to turn around, her face was turn in the complete opposite direction, as if she didn't see me at all, which I know was impossible when there were only 3 of us in this tiny aisle.
      And once again, I was upset and confused as to why I was being ignored and rejected by someone I called a friend. Was it because of my liberal views? Was it because I hadn't been coming to church as often as I used to? Did I offend her somehow? Who knows! But I think 3 weeks in a row shows that something is off.
      Finally, and probably the most pathetic of them all, is about a dumb boy. Granted I have only known this boy for a month, and we never made our feelings known verbally, but my anxiety and trust issues got the best of me again.
       Here's the tea. This guy was new at work. Very handsome. Very nice. Very funny. And like all the other girls in the store, I had a huge crush on him, which sadly I have a track record of doing. But I felt a special connection with this guy. We hung out at a party outside of work. We were VERY flirty. We had each other's phone numbers. We spoke on Facebook. And he seemed genuinely interested and different from the rest, or so I thought. To top it off, all my friends were encouraging me to go for it. Because he seemed like a sure thing.
        I was talking with a few friends, and to preface this another friend told me she thought he was talking to someone, and the friend says that he mentioned his "girlfriend" to her. But at the same time, homeboy was flirting with me as if he were single. Then, another friend is shocked by this fact too and says that he was extra flirty with her at the party. But then, after we find out about the girlfriend, he randomly backs off on the flirting. It was like a switch had been flipped. Leaving me thinking, once again, "What did I do?". And I know I should've seen the signs, and it's not like we were every really a thing. But the thing is, I fell hard! And I don't open up or crush on many guys, because it's always the same. I like him WAY too much, and then I get rejected because I misread signs and go for guys who aren't even in my league. And my options are to shut down in public, and then get home and overthink it all.
          So I guess you could say that I'm no stranger to rejection. But it happens to us all. The thing I'm beginning to learn is that you can't control it. And the only way to push against it is to face it head on and realize that there was a reason things happened how they did. It won't happen instantly, but slowly the hurt will vanish. It's only temporary.
           Have you faced rejection? What steps did you take to overcome it? Any ways of coping with it or taking your mind off of things? Let me know below! Hope you have a great week!

-Pay <3 :)

Losing Motivation

     Even as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm trying to find the motivation to keep writing. If you couldn't tell by that last sentence, I've been lacking motivation a lot recently. The motivation to be productive. The motivation to do my best work. The motivation to do more things than just lay around and watch YouTube or the newest episode of whatever show I've started in order to probably procrastinate the next thing on my to-do list.
     It hasn't always been like this. A few months ago, I was ready to work as hard as I could. At work, I was busting my butt off trying to climb up the ladder and get all of the things done I needed to, plus more. At home, I wasn't as motivated to do housework, but now even doing the dishes or loading the dishwasher is something I put off as long as I can.
     The worst part is that I think it has a lot to do with my mental health. I've been trying to keep it on track, but the longer the year goes on, the worst it gets. I think I push myself to do things that I know don't make me happy, but don't replenish it with things that will do me good, mentally and physically, in the end. I feel like all I do is take my roommate to work, pick her up from work, watch whatever I can find online, go to work myself, and then come home and do the same thing most days.
      I think the source could also be the fact that I'm financially trying to catch up with all of my bills, which keep stacking higher and higher it seems. And I don't want to bother anyone by telling them I don't have the money to save or go out, so I use apps to pull from my next paycheck, or I secretly tell myself that I can find a way to not stay under $0 in my bank account. And I bottle it up, when I know I should just fess up to it and figure out things in a healthier way. But that also means finding ways to get out of the house and do what I enjoy.
       But let's get back to the topic of motivation. I think it's important to remember that gaining motivation in yourself and what you do, includes making goals and determination to complete those things. The one thing that's helped me recently to get a bit more motivation back into my life was sitting down with my roommate and talking through my issues. We then created a list of short-term and long-term goals that I would try to complete. So far, I think I've completed one or two of my goals. But it helps to look at that paper and see where I want to go. And honestly, that's the motivation that I have right now.
       Let's turn this into a conversation! Have you ever been in this place where you have lost all motivation? What did you do to help work through it? And what are some goals you made to help push through times of non-motivation? Let me know down in the comments. Hopefully this helps someone reading this to see that they're not alone. It's a common thing. But you gotta remember that it's a mind game, and you can push through it. Hope this helps!

-Pay <3

Why Music is So Important to My Life

    One of the main reason I started blogging was to talk about my love for all things music. As I kept writing, it became more about my personal life or things I have opinions about. I'm not mad about the direction it's taken at all, but I've been thinking about the way music makes me feel a lot.
     I've always had a passion for music. I grew up with my dad and grandparents starting me off by listening to the local oldies country music station in our hometown. My mom would listen to VH1 and constantly sing songs from her youth, such as Prince and George Michael. Then, you have all the music I experienced through church on Sundays and Wednesdays, MTV (when they still played music videos), VH1, BET, and even CMT (when I still liked country).
     I'm pretty sure I started singing at age 3, or maybe even sooner, at church. And I would always belt my little lungs out in the car and whenever my favorite song came on the TV. Today, it's not any different, I've just added shower singing and sometimes singing on social media.
      I go to a different place when I'm listening to the a great song blast in my eardrums. I've seen it turn my mood from super sour to happy go lucky. I've had the biggest headache, and the only thing that cures it is singing (true story). There's been times where it wakes me up during a long car ride, and also puts me to sleep instantly. I wish I were making this up!
      I'm sure I've annoyed everyone in my life by the way I, on instinct, try to copy whoever I'm listening to. I've developed a wider range and a rasp from doing it. I also think that may be the reason I lose my voice as much as I do. But basically what I'm saying is that I don't intend on copying the artist I listen to.
       Am I the best singer? ABSOLUTLEY NOT! But music is the greatest thing to come into my life. It's something that takes over my entire being. If I could make it my career for life, you bet I would. I looked back at my old elementary school video yearbooks, and from kindergarten - 3rd grade I said I wanted to be a popstar or a singer when I grew up, not 4th grade because aparently I thought I was good at basketball that year and wanted to be in the WNBA 😂. Moral to the story is that this isn't something I've recently thought about.
        Because I've been surrounded by music so much, my mind is swirling around with lyrics and melodies. I remember every word to a song I heard 20+ years ago. My friends sometimes call me the human Shazam. It's as if it runs through my veins. I'm definitely not 100% correct and don't remember everything, but I impress myself sometimes.
         So why is music important to me? It's because it has consumed 95% of my life. It controls my thoughts and feelings. It's one of the main constants in my life, next to God and my family. From sunrise to sunset, I'm always thinking of at least one song. It's like an addiction to something I can't get rid of, but I like the thrill. And yeah I think if you know me you can see how much I love music. I don't hide it very well.
          If you want a post about my musical influences, just let me know. I'd be happy to write one or multiple posts about it. Or if you don't want anymore posts from me, let me know too, but I'll probably ignore that request.

-Pay <3

Do I Want to Get Married & Have Kids?

     As I approach the of my 26th year of life, I'm starting to think more about marriage and kids. If you've been keeping up with the blog posts, or know me in real life, you'll know that I have MAJOR trust and commitment issues. But that doesn't mean I'm not on the look out for potential love.
     I go back and forth everyday with the idea of starting a family. On one hand, most of my friends are in some form or relationship, and I'm at the age where it's prime time to start settling down. I get lonely from time to time. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend/future husband, but that's where the other side of it comes in...the trust and commitment issues.
      I've talked about it many times before. I don't go on dates, because I've been scarred one too many times. I'm scared that the next guy is going to trample all over my heart and emotions again, like the last, and I'll be left to ponder what could've gone wrong or why I'm "not good enough". Not that I need the approval of anyone else to know I'm enough, but it would be nice to know that I'm worthy of someone's attention.
      So then we have the matter of kids in the future. Aside from my family harping on the fact that they want grandkids, when they already have them, I really don't know if I want kids. Most days I think that it would be cool to be a mom and raise kids with my DNA and get to influence how they grow up. Or I think about how cute it would be to have a pregnancy bump and shop for baby clothes for my own child and not someone else's. But then I think about the pain of having to ACTUALLY give birth, or the screaming baby/toddler phases, and I think "nah! not my scene."
        Then, there's the matter of my family. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY FAMILY. But sometimes I look at how, dare I say, disfunctional my family is, and I think about trying to explain the whole mess to somebody else. I'm not ashamed, but that's adding one more person into an already difficult equation that is my family.
        Overall, I'm conflicted on the issue of dating, marriage, and kids. And on top of that, I can barely keep up with my own life. How can I introduce someone into my chaos if I can't get my own life straightened out?! Would that throw a wrench in things? Would it ease the tension and stress by having someone to lean on? And how would that affect my friendships? Would it affect anything? And not to mention, I've never been on a real date. How does one date? What do I wear? What's a good date look like? What's "normal" date behavior? So many questions!
        It's not that I haven't tried. I've written about the "major" love fails, and heartbreaks. But I've tried just about every dating site, which either gets too weird, one of us ghosts the other, or someone gets too curious and I freak out and delete the app (Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, etc.). I've tried church, where everyone is either too young, too old, already taken, or not my type. I've tried work, but that complicates things too much, or one of the above happens, on top of they might also not be into women. Nothing has really clicked yet.
      The closest thing right now is that I'm talking to someone who is "an old friend" from high school, but I don't know what the situation. Part of me wonders what it would be like to just go for it. But the other half is wondering if we were meant to be just friends, and I'm only thinking I'm catching feels because he's something sort of familiar and safe. But it's been years, and part of me is terrified that if he sees me in real life after all these years, I won't live up to his expectation of me online. So we're back at square one.
       To answer the initial question of if I want marriage and kids, I think for now the answer is yes. The hard part is figuring out how to acheive that goal without retreating into my bubble. I realize that I only doubt my desire to be a wife and mother someday whenever I start getting too in my head. I get scared that there's no one out there for me. I get in the mindset that I'm not gonna find that person who will fight for me and challenge me to not give up on myself and others. I just need someone to complicate my life so much that I can't go on without them in it to disrupt whatever the curent balance is. Only then will it be possible for me to truly know become a wife and mother one day. And I think that desire grows stronger the older I get and the more I see my friends getting to experience these things.
        Maybe it'll happen one day. Until then, I know that I don't need a man or kids to define me. I can do me just fine on my own. I've made it almost 27 more, and it hasn't slowed me down yet. I just need to find someone to keep up with me. Maybe someday. :)

Discovering Who I Am

     I'm not the kind of person who loves having serious chats about my emotions or about myself in general. But there are a few people who can bring that out in me, and those are my two best friends (one of those are also my roommate of 6.5 years). My roommate/best friend/honorary sister, Felisha, is the person who makes me have these hard conversations. In fact, if it weren't for her calling me out today I never would've made the discoveries about myself that I did. Those discoveries are that I have, undiagnosed, anxiety, depression, and anorexia nervosa.
      Now I know, those are BIG things to just throw out. But I didn't realize, expect for the anxiety, that for months I have been holding things in and not treating my body well at all! It scares me to think of what would have happened if I hadn't had all of this brought to my attention. Did I hate being a ball of emotions? Yes. But now I'm aware of what I need to work on for myself. I need to get help! And I'm not even saying that I need professional help, but I need help from someone who has been there before and can give tips on what I need to do to get better.
       So what's been going on with me? I kinda hate the position I'm in at work. One of my team leads will barely speak to me. I can go a full day off of barely eating anything, and not even recognize it. I just moved. My bank account was drained SO MUCH that I couldn't pay rent and had to take out a $300 loan. My shoudler that I messed up 7 years ago has flared up again. And I don't have much of a social life outside of work. To top all of this off, I never realized that I was getting angry and snippy at those closest to me, because I was self sabotaging myself in several different ways.
        Going into my 27th year of life soon has brought out the things that I never knew were going on around me. I feel like I don't recognize the person in the mirror. Where did the old me go? Why am I just learning about this? How can I get better?
         Luckily, Felisha had me sit down and write a list of goals for the year to make me look forward to having something to work towards. And blogging more was one of my short-term goals. I forgot how much I loved it. I forgot how good it feels to write down what's going on in my brain at that moment. I starting my list of goals by making a conscious effort to blog about anything. Could be my week/day. Could be a random thought in my head. Could be ANYTHING. But I'm starting this off at my first steps towards completing my goals.
         If you can relate or want to talk about anything, don't hesitate to comment down in the comment section, or reach out to me if I know you personally. This isn't my call for help. This is me expressing that I am going to make the effort to turn my life around. And I hope you can too.

-Pay <3

Change is Good!

     This morning I was listening to the podcast "Pretty Basic", which is a lifestyle podcast by Alisha Marie and Remi Ashten. The topic was about being yourself and recognizing how far you've come. Remi was talking about how she is a people pleaser and is someone who needs closure on friendships, but she also still has love for the people in her past, if it were a true friendship or relationship. If you know me, you'll know this is EXACTLY how I am. 

    I am that friend who will try to milk a friendship until it's dead, and even then I stilll try to make things work. But as I was listening to this, I was watching some snapchat stories and looking at instagram posts from old friends that I used to hang out within the past year. For a second I was sad about how much I missed them and how I at one time called them all close friends. And there was no hatred in my heart for these people. They even said in the podcast that there was a reason why things fizzled out, but it doesn't mean either side is in the wrong. 

     In the podcast, they also talked about the change that they had went through in just the past 6 months. And in that, they became more themselves and less of what others wanted them to be. That, once again, struck a chord with me. I was looking back at the past missing it, but I'm in a better spot all the way around. 

     The person I was last year was filled with worry, stress, anxiety, anger, resentment, and jealousy for the life I saw others having. And today, while I'm not 100% the person who has it all figured out, I've come into who I am a bit more. I'm not worried about trying to fit in as much or feeling the need to go out, even though I don't have the money. I'm working hard for my money and keeping the old anxiety at bay as much as I can. 

      At the beginning of 2018, I was sad and lonely, and I was trying to fit in with groups of people who were only surface-level friendships, which I didn't realize until I was out of the situation. There were only a few people that I could say that I knew any personal things about and had an interest in their lives. Those were the people I can honestly say I wish I hung out with more. They brought out a side of me that is closer to who I actually am. And now I look at the people that I still keep in contact with, and they are the people who cheer me on and I cheer them on. We're not fake with each other. We wanna know how the other is doing. Maybe we don't hang out as much as we want to, but we're working on it. 

      The next step in my journey is too look forward. To work on the friendships I've made, new and old. I'm thankful for what life has given me thus far, but as I've said a thousand times by now, I'm happy where I'm at. My career is on the uprise, and I'm focusing on myself as much as possible.

       So if you're currently in my life and I can call you a friend, THANK YOU! I love you all for being there for me and for encouraging me to be the best person I can be.

To All the Boys I THOUGHT I Loved Before...

     This post is for me, and for anyone else who reads this who may need to hear this too. I talked in my last post about having more love for myself. One of the first ways I'm doing that is taking a look at what I deserve in life, AKA my love life for starters. If you read the title and thought this was gonna be a parody to To All the Boys I've Loved Before or some kind of letter shoutout post to all my ex's and past crushes, you're not completely wrong. This is a reflection post on why things haven't worked out for me in the past, relationship wise, and what I'm looking towards going forward.
      To start this post, you should know that I've never had a boyfriend as an adult, and I've never technically been on an actual date. The last guy I actually dated was for 3 days my sophomore year of high school, and he broke up with me because I wouldn't "give it up to him", and then a few weeks later he started dating one of my best friends at the time. Since then, I've had a really good guy friend that I thought was into me, but turns out was either just super flirty or is a coward and doesn't know how to ask a girl on a date.
      Then, there was that one guy that I had the hugest crush on since 4th grade, and who was my "boyfriend" from the end of 4th grade to mid-5th grade. We "talked" for a summer and had somewhat of a thing. But homeboy didn't want a girlfriend at the time, but still wanted to keep me thinking I had a shot, until he tried to ask me out the day before I went back to college when summer ended. Let's just say, things ended with me telling him that I was tired of his games and wasn't gonna say yes because he finally realized that he was gonna lose control of me.
        Other than those two, I've tried my hand at trying to do the whole online dating thing, but I chicken out every time after a few weeks and can never muster up the courage to actually meet any of the guys I talk to. Or I get the creepy messages and say, "thank u, next". And then you have the random guys from back home who have seen my current staus on social media, and decide that I'm finally "their type", even though they barely gave me the time of day back in high school. So, I guess you could say I "glowed up" and am not the girl I was when I still lived in Harrodsburg. Along the way, I have guys that say I'm pretty who are either not my type or are SUPER creepy/sleezy. This includes a few guys that I thought were the hottest guys in town back in the day. I just haven't really found anyone yet that I click with and who makes a relationship worth having.
        So what did I learn from these guys? I learned what I do and don't want in a relationship. I've learned that I keep a wall up around everyone until I feel comfortable around them. And when I do let that wall down, I start to show more of my real self. This is the part of me who is sometimes, well probably a lot of the time, cringe-worthy or cheesy or not your typical girl. But I'm also that girl who just loves love. I love Jesus, music, coffee, dogs, Disney, comfty sweaters, hanging out with my friends, watching a good show/movie, singing, sleeping, and being as basic as I can sometimes. Sometimes I try too hard to get everyone to like me. I don't always have a positive attitude. I don't look like a model. My teeth are jacked up from wearing braces and not taking care of them correctly. My hair isn't always brushed perfectly. I prefer to dress comfortable and hate dressing up. I don't like scary movies. I love musicals. I want to travel as much as possible. And I don't know what I wanna do with my future.
       And through it all, I know what I deserve. I deserve a guy who will treat me like a princess. I guy who will accept me for my best and my worst. A guy who won't give up on me and will chase me when I try to run away, because I'm scared of commitment. I need a guy who gets along with my family and friends. A guy who will protect me, but also knows when I can hold my own. Someone who is close, but will also back off when I need my space, just not too much. Someone who will call me out on what I'm doing wrong. And altogether someone who will show me love like I've never known love before. That's what I deserve.
        I won't settle for less. I can't settle for less. I know what I'm worth. Maybe there isn't a guy out there that's right for me. And you know what? That's okay. At 26, I can finally say that my family, my friends, and myself are all that I need. If I get a boyfriend and someday fall in love, that's great! But until then, I'm enough. As Evan Hansen (from Dear Evan Hansen) once said, "Today is going to be a good day, and here's why: Because today at least you're you, and that's enough." That's the a-ha moment that took me 26 years to learn. I don't need someone else. My past whatever they were taught me that I'm enough. I don't need anyone else to complete me. If you made it this far and needed to hear this, just know that you are all you need. No one else defines you. Thanks for letting me rant!


Live for God & Love for Music!
- Pay <3 :)

New Year, New Motivations

     Happy 2019!!! Welcome to a new year of memories and experiences. I'm not gonna say, "New year, new me!" because it's the same me. Instead, it's a new year with new motivations (as you saw from the title of this post). So what does that intell? Well for me, it's new goals I wanna achieve throughout the year. But not just set goals, these goals are things I want to continue and keep growing with throughout 2019 and the rest of my life.
     First, I wanna focus on self-love more. If you follow me on instagram or are a friend of mine on Facebook, I posted a selfie yesterday (1/8) with the caption, "Here's to more self-love in 2019 #newyearnewmotivations #loveyourself". The older I get, the more I begin to accept myself for who I am and not what the world wants me to be. I'm definitely already a bit cocky and confident, but I want to continue with that. I'm not a super model with perfect teeth or perfect hair or a six pack, and I'm okay with that. Now that doesn't mean I can't take days to pamper myself and have mental days. I want to strive to feel completely comfortable in my skin and not dissect every flaw I have. Just taking that photo of myself, I had to retake it a million time because I would see a tiny imperfection that I didn't like and I wanted it to be "instagram worthy" (which I know is a dumb way of thinking). So here's to loving myself more in 2019 and beyond!
     Secondly, I wanna be more intentional with my friends and family. This one is hard for me. I get inside my own world and don't think about reaching out to my friends to hang out, even after thinking about how much I miss them and wanna hang out. I realize it's a two-way street. I shouldn't expect them to be the ones to reach out. We're all busy, but I wanna make it a habit to be the one to reach out and not expect so much from others. Even with a phone call or text now and then. My family has been on me about this one. I HATE talking on the phone, but this year, for my family's sake, I wanna push myself to call home more and check up on them and say hey. Being intentional also means being more intentional with who I hang out with. I'm a social person, but I've learned that I get close to people too fast who are only temporary or who only wanna be friends in the moment and then we don't talk unless it's in a group or it's superficial. So, I wanna be more intentional with my real and true friends, and let go of toxic and fake friendships. In the end, I think it's better for my mental health and for the status of my good and true friendships.
       Third, I wanna continue growing closer to God. If you know me at all, you'll know that my realtionship with Christ is a super important part of my life. This year, I've gone backwards a bit because I haven't gotten to experience much of a community outside of my roommates, because I was always working and was "too tired" to go to church. Which in return made me slip into old habits that I hate about myself. This year, I wanna go to church more and reconnect with my church family and get more involved, other than going once a month to teach the children. That means setting alarms to wake myself up. Going to bed ASAP on Saturday nights. Not making excuses. And maybe even telling my job that I need Sundays off again or finding another BFG or other group of Believers to help me be more accountable and to seek others to talk about the Bible and what God's plan is for my life. Along with growing more with Christ, I wanna read my Bible more. I've been slacking on that this year as well. But it's all apart of my continuous motivation goals of this year and beyond, because you can never hit a point where you can't get closer to God and His word.
       Next motivation is travelling more. I want to get out of my small town and state and see the world. I'm making enough money now that I can save up to even go to Tennessee or Chicago or somewhere that's not Kentucky for a few days. For 2019, I wanna add to my list of places I've visited. And I think it's plausible if I motivate myself to save up and make a list of things to go out and do. It will break up the monotony of just working and coming home and then randomly going places within Lexington and surrounding cities. One day, I'm hoping to go back to NY and Ireland and all of my favorite places. So, 2019 begins the year of saving up for those things.
       Another motivation is that in 2019 I wanna be more bold. I wanna take risks. Accept compliments from strangers and people I know. Actually try dating for once (if the opportunity arises and I see that it's fit for me). Make hard decisions. Overall, I just wanna be bolder and be a person that I'll look back and be proud of years down the line.
       Finally, this last motivation is one that I don't talk about much, but is something I'm passionate about. I wanna sing more. Singing has been a passion of mine every since I was old enough to learn a song by myself, which was probably "Jesus Loves Me". I used to be in choir in high school and even took a vocal class my sophmore year of college, but it's not something I've publicized outside of church back in the day. I've tried making a few videos on YouTube and Instagram, but ultimately I got too timid and hated how they turned out after I posted them. But this year I wanna work more on my voice and start posting more singing content. I love music and I love singing, and I think this year is the year when I'm finally able to start finding ways to enjoy performing again for more than just me and my roommates. Out of all of my goals, this one is honestly the scariest for me, and it might take me a bit to start, so hold me accountable PLEASE!
       So here's to 2019! Here's to new motivations. Here's to making new life changes for the better. Here's to not making resolutions, but fufilling life goals. Here's to becoming a better version of myself. That's what I'm hoping to gain from this year and years to come. As one of my favorite bands, All Time Low say, "Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year." Happy new year! I hope you have a successful one!


Live for God & Love for Music!
-Pay <3 :)

The Mask I Wear

     I've thought about writing this post millions of times. Basically, the reason for it is one word: ANXIETY. I've written about my anxiety before in previous posts, but recently it's gotten a lot worse. So, the only thing I know to do right now is to write out my feelings. If you're reading this and suffer from anxiety too, I hope this helps you, or at least helps you feel like you're not alone.
     Let me start by saying, I haven't had it all of my life. Actually, it didn't start becoming a noticable thing until a few months ago. Maybe there were signs of it beforehand, but I didn't recognize it until the past few months. No, I haven't been properly diagnosed, but I live with 2 people who suffer from severe anxiety and depression, and one of them was the one to even point it out to me.
      It started with financial struggles. I was working at  a job that was paying me way less than what I needed to pay all of my bills and live comfortably. For months, my bank account would often go into the negatives or I would have to hold off from paying for bills. I didn't even make enough to save at least $5.00. Sounds normal so far right? But the thing that set me over the edge is that I would focus solely on money and finding ways just to pay my bills. And that's when I had my first panic attack. My roommate was talking to me in the car about looking for a new job and leaving a job I knew for 3 years. Immediately, even though she never attacked me and wasn't fighting me, I felt trapped in my own car. It was like I couldn't wait to get out of the car and breathe fresh air. To the average person, we were just having an adult conversation. But my brain told me it was an attack. So, I started crying and breathing heavily. And it happened every time we had that conversation. When she mentioned that I sounded like I had anxiety, it all made sense. I had a feeling that it was anxiety, but I didn't want to label it if I was just super stressed, because I knew that it was a serious mental disease and not something to take lightly. I've seen my roommate have panic attacks before, and it wasn't a walk in the park.
      Fast forward to today, where I have a good paying job and plenty of money to live comfortably and pay for all of my bills, but my anxiety has come back full speed. At first, I thought my trigger was money or control, but I've realized that my trigger is not being able to be in control or fix a problem. The first of the panic attacks started when I went home to visit my family last week for my grandpa's birthday. It was a great, but short visit. I was fine while I was there, but it started when I got home and was about to fall asleep. I had found out my second cousin (who I consider just my cousin) was having open heart surgery in the morning, but it was a SUPER risky procedure. To top it off, his sister (who feels more like my aunt than my cousin and who I'm super close to) and my grandma were the only ones who were going to be there, and they both have health issues as well. On top of this happening, I heard about all the tests and possible heart complications going on with my dad. And then I knew my grandpa wasn't in the best health that he was years ago. And my cousins' other sister was trying to start drama. I prayed to God to help all of them and I kept wishing I could just drive back home and be with them instead of in my apartment. That's when it started. I realized I couldn't do anything to help all of them, and my brain shot panic all through my body. I started balling. I couldn't breathe through my nose. I could barely breathe out of my mouth. My chest felt heavy. My body felt hot. And I craved water. But I just wanted to crash to the ground into a ball or grip onto something to make the pain stop. My roommates were all asleep, because it was 1:00am, so I couldn't call out to them for help. After about 15 minutes of crying hard and drinking water to cool and calm myself down, I was finally able to stop it and try to go to sleep. It was one of the scariest feeling I had felt in a while. That is, until a few nights later...
     The second time it happened this week was I found out some "truths" about people I was really close to, or I thought I was was close to. That's as far as I'll say for now. They're not bad people, but it was a crappy situation. I had already been feeling upset because I didn't hang out with this certain group of friends, and this night was the straw that broke the camel's back. I found out this secret, and my body tensed up and I had to hold back the tears. My hormones could have had something to do with this, but I knew something was up. So my natural reaction was to shut down, in order to not burst into tears and break down. That part didn't come until after I got home. Once again, my roommates were asleep, so I was alone again. I started balling again. And I couldn't breathe. Much like the first time. In the moment, I thought I was just really upset and didn't recognize that I was having a panic attack. It was on and off like this for hours. I would think about what happened, and it would start again and last for about 15ish minutes each.
     The most recent attack came the next day after the situation happened. This time one of my roommates was awake, but I hid my reaction very well. I fast walked to my room, with water and paper towel in hand to calm myself down. Luckily, this was only about 5 minutes. The cause of this was thinking about what went down with my friends again. Thinking about it now, the cause was another time when I wasn't in control. But more than that, I think my brain also wanted to fix what was happening, even though there's nothing that I could do to change it.
     My panic attacks aren't my only source of anxiety. Sometimes I don't want to leave my bed or do anything. I can make plans with someone to hang out, but I gotta convince myself to be productive and just do the thing. I don't believe it's full blown social anxiety, but there's aspects of it when I try to go out and find ways to get out of it no matter how fun it will be.
       Back to the title of this post, I conceal my anxiety well to anyone who doesn't know me well. It's like a happy mask that I paste onto my face and act like nothing is wrong. Nobody sees me break down. No one sees how unhappy I am. Think of the music video for "Fake Happy" by Paramore, and that's me a good chunk of the time recently. That's not who I am all the time, but I can tell you these past few weeks have been when I've felt it the hardest. I feel like I'm barely holding myself together. It's really hard sometimes, but nobody asks. There's only a rare few who have seen me at my worst and can see through my mask, but most have no clue what's happening in my head. It's like there's a stigma that if you have a mental disease, that you're somehow broken. But that's just your brain playing tricks on you. And I've definitely felt that pain.
       I am by no means an expert on this topic, so I need suggestions of what you (if you're in this same situation) do when you are on the verge of a panic attack or are feeling like your anxiety is taking over your entire body. I know thus far I've found that drinking water and listening to music helps calm me, as well as praying for it to pass. This is gonna sound weird, but All Time Low has been the band that has helped the most. It's like I listen to their songs, especially "Weightless", and my body relaxes. It's the weirdest thing! But I'm open to suggestions. I don't wanna take medication, unless it's a last result, so any help or tips would be much appreciated. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes can't recognize the person I'm pretending to be. It's frustrating!
        Honestly, I hope that this helped someone. Like I said, I'm not an expert on the topic. But I feel like I needed to share this and get it off of my brain. In a previous post I've talked abotu writing as a method to ease my anxiety and stress, and I'm already seeing progress in my mind the longer I type. If you have every felt like me, don't be ashamed of it. It's scary, but it helps to no that someone else knows exactly how you feel. You're not alone.

Live for God & Love for Music!
-Pay 💕😊

Not Feeling Like You're Doing Enough

     I'll be the first to admit that I feel, a good chunk of the time, as if I'm living my life to try to live up to the standards of other people. Whether that's finding "the right job", or spending my money on "the right things", or even hanging out with "the right people". It feels like all the pressure is on. Everyone expects something else. And maybe it's just my personality or how my brain is wired, but I feel the need to make everyone happy. I know that I don't need to, but something inside me tells me that I can't have anyone disappointed in me.
     For example, with this whole stupid job thing, I graduated with a degree in elementary education. So, logically, everyone thinks that my next step is applying to schools to be a teacher. My whole family is the real push behind this. Well it's been a year and a half, and still no job. So I keep applying to places in hopes of finding a job, but I don't know if I really wanna teach or if I'm doing it just to satisfy them. And it's scary, because I went to college for almost 6 years and took all the required tests, just to come out with a bunch of subbing jobs and one semester of working as a Title I teacher (aka a higher paid, part-time reading tutor). But there's also a part of my brain that thinks I'm not cut out to be a teacher. I've applied and applied and applied, and all I have to show is one random interview for a teaching job, which ended up going to someone inside of the school. I went to the job fairs, put on my best professional clothes and a smile, shook principals' hands, handed them my resume, pumped myself up as to why I wanted the job, and was promised that they would "review" my resume. But even though I knew some of the principals, I've heard NOTHING back. To add to the pressure of this whole situation, if I don't find a teaching job by October, I'll have to start paying back my teaching loan.
        And that brings me to another pressure point, making enough money to survive versus what I enjoy doing as a job. I've worked at Kohl's for almost 3 years. I only took a mini break for a month to try out another job that paid A LOT better, but I ended up not being as happy with that job. I'm happier now that I'm back to working more at my job with my friends. The problem with this is that I'm back to barely making enough to survive. And I can feel the disappointment from everyone else for giving up a good paying job, just because I couldn't stick it out long enough to build up my bank account. But the place that I really wanna stay at, mostly because of my friends and comfort, is not paying me enough and I feel like I'm taken advantage of sometimes because I'll do whatever it take to get the job done. Then again, I turn around and my hours and pay don't reflect how hard I work some weeks/days. But I feel like I just "came back", even though I never actually left, but I'm already feeling the need like I have to get a second job to to rise back up to how it was previously. But looking at my bank account, I feel like I need to do more and work more hours.
          Then, there's the whole "dating" situation, which is quite non-existant right now. Not only do I feel pressure from my family to find someone and settle down, but it seems like I'm the only one in my family who is not seeing someone. I just learned this week that my nephew, who's only 16 and is someone I never thought would have a girlfriend, has a girlfriend. Even my best friend, who's basically part of the family, is dating/almost engaged to a guy that she's been dating for a few years. And everytime I go home, I'm asked if I have a boyfriend yet, or they ask if I know if my best friend is engaged yet or not. When you ask my family, they'll say that they don't care and that they're not worried about me finding someone. But then I see their eyes when I say no I don't or I don't know, and a piece of me feels as though they've given up on the idea that I'll ever get married or have kids one day. I mean, I've never been on an actual date, and the last time I had any prospect of dating someone, they shattered my heart into a million pieces and I was left to throw my walls up again.
            And here's the thing with dating: I don't think I'm worthy, most of the time, to be loved. I know it's not true, but I've been friendzoned so many times that my automatic response to someone showing me attention is to throw the friendzone card right back at them. I'm a mess and I don't have my life figured out. I'm not as skinny or tall like most girls. I'm not athletic. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous. I hate dressing up or wearing anything like a skirt or a dress. I like my body more than I did a few years ago, but I still get self-conscious when I'm shopping with my friends who are size small  or  extra small, and they're young and beautiful and several guys have told me they would totally date them if they were already taken. And then you have me, the outcast, who can take a good picture, but I look nothing like I do in those pictures. And I only put makeup, outside of the bare minimum, when I'm going out and really feel like putting in effort. But I look at other girls and am sometimes jealous of how guys see them, and it's just them being themselves. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I can't help it. So, I either default to bro-zone with my guy friends or I do things to make myself seem more like them. And usually the only guys even noticing are the ones that I don't want to attract, and the guys that are "my type" still look at the girls who they say are "out of their league". Which makes me go back into tomboy mode and act as though I don't care.
            Yeah, I guess you could say that I feel lots of pressure to conform to everyone's thoughts on how I should act or look or say or whatever. It's human nature to want to do what's expected, but then you hear the opposite telling you to "be yourself" and "don't let anyone tell you who to be". But realistically, we all slip up and lack the confidence to just do what we want to do and be who we want to be. It doesn't mean we're not self-confident. It doesn't mean we're weak. It doesn't mean that we're not enough. It means that we're real humans, with real emotions. I know that I'm perfect the way I am, but it doesn't mean I don't have my moments when I would like to switch lives with someone. I know that I am enough. But I also know that it's okay to have moments where I don't feel enough. So, I'll blog about it to get it off my chest and go on with life knowing that I don't have to be anyone's version of myself. Literally, God made me the way I am for a purpose, and I just have to find that purpose and remember that He's the only standard that I have to live up to.


Live for God & Love for Music!
- Pay 💙😊

An Open Letter to the Guy Who Set The Bar High

To the guy who set the bar high for my dating life:

     You probably won't ever read this, but I'm still gonna say it. But even then, you probably still wouldn't know that this is about you. I've told you to your face (well actually over text) how I feel. And I can't say that the feelings I'm currently having are permanent, but for now, you've set the bar high.
     I came to this conclusion after thinking about why I don't date someone. While it's true that I've thought guys were cute and tried to "talk" to them, inside I back out and find some little thing that makes me say, "I can't do this. This isn't gonna work out." It could be as tiny as him liking country music or he asks me too personal questions. But why?! Why do I let these little things get in the way of what could be a good guy?! The answer is: you.
     So what is it about you that attracts me to you? The main thing is that we just connect and I feel comfortable around you. That doesn't happen! I'm not gonna act like it was an instant connection. When we met almost 3 years ago, I just saw you as the class clown of the place. As of maybe a year and a half, we started getting closer. Both of our walls were broken down. I opened up to you about my past. You told me all about your past. And we've even expressed to each other that we know each other better than anyone else in our lives, including our closest friends and family. You're the guy I couldn't go a day without talking to for months. You were the first text when I was having a panic attack. You were the first person I texted when I just needed someone to talk to or had a funny story to tell. Because you get me! I don't have to fake it with you.
      Are you my "perfect guy"? No. But then again, is there such a thing? So then why aren't we dating? Well the answer is simple, I think: you're not into me in the same way I'm into you. When I told you that I had a crush on you, your response wasn't judgemental. In fact, it was sweet. I remember you saying, "Why were you nervous to tell me? Why did it take you this long? We tell each other everything. I would never make things weird." That's paraphrased, but those were basically your words. To the normal person, that would've been seen as you being interested. But like I said, I know you. And I know that I'm not your type. We constantly have conversations about both of us being single and when we're interested in other people. Although, it's mostly you telling me about the newest girl you think is cute and why she's "out of your league". But it's that kind of thing that keeps the crush around I think.
       You're not like any other guy. You've got this goofy, sensitive side to you that makes you even more attactive. You're no Ryan Gosling, but you've got your own cuteness about you. It's something that most people don't see unless they really know you. I mean I know things about you that even your roommate doesn't know. But it's that level of trust that's kept our friendship strong.
       Speaking of friendship, I think that factor plays a lot into why I have an "on and off crush" on you. You're one of my closest guy friends, closest friend in general actually. It's one of those things where my perfect type is like my best friend, but also I don't want to ruin an epic friendship by trying out the whole dating thing (if that were even an option in your book). Like I said before, you're the person I go to for everything. From relationship advice, to good laughs, to rant sessions, and even fashion advice. We're not the standard guy-girl friendship!
       But I see the real you. I even see things that you can't see yourself. Not only are you hilarious, but you're sassy, funny, kind, caring, compassionate, hardworking, and passionate. You melt when you see a cute kid. You put other's feelings before your own. You do anything to make someone smile. You have a heart of gold! And yet, you look at yourself and just see a sappy guy who makes jokes and gets swept under the rug. But you don't give yourself the credit you deserve. You're one of the best people I know!
        Here's the thing, and the main point of this article, you have ruined my standards of what I'm looking for in a guy. I thought my standards were high before, but I'm looking for someone like you. Someone who cares about others and doesn't take life too seriously. Someone that I have tons of things in common with, and yet who is the opposite of me in every other way. Sure, I'm also searching for a guy who is way more in tuned with his relationship with Christ than you are. But overall, I've realized that you are basically as close to my type as I think I'll ever find, at least in Kentucky.
         As I'm writing this, I know that we have limited time to hang out together before you graduate and get a job outside of the state. And I know that we'll stop talking as much. I'll maybe see you once every few months if you come in and actually stop by. So, I'm taking the time to sort out these feelings and realize that the possibility that we will end up together is slim to none. I mean things could happen, but it's very unlikely. And hopefully you'll find yourself a girl who treats you well and is the right person for you wherever you get a job. Do I wish you didn't have to go out of state? Yes. But things will be easier and I'll just have to get used to doing life without you only a half hour away and getting to hang out at least once a week. But you know my thoughts. And who knows, maybe I can find someone at least half as great as you.
        Well I said it. You're the reason why I have high standards. So thank you sir! In all reality, I wish things would work out for us. But I'm also glad to have a friend as great as you, and I want us to stay this way for as long as we can. Thanks for everything!

Sincerely,
The Girl with High Standards and A Great Guy Friend

The Importance of Mental Health

"On and on
Like we're living on a broken record
Hope is strong
But misery's a little quicker
Sit and we wait and we drown there
Thinking why I bother playing when it's unfair
They say life's a waste
I say they lack believe
They tell me luck will travel
I tell them that's why I've got feet
Left, right
Left, right
Moving along, just the pulse of a heartbeat
This could be the last chance you have to fly
Do you like the ground?
Want it to pass you by?
Then you had it all
When you were just a kid
Do you even remember who you were back then?
What do you want in life?
Would you be twice as strong?
What would you sacrifice?
What are you waiting on?
Don't stop
March on"
- Paradise Fears, "Battle Scars"

     My favorite band, Paradise Fears, wrote the lyrics above in one of their songs called "Battle Scars", as you can probably guess. From the moment I heard this song, it stuck with me. It even inspired my first tattoo. It's about not being afraid to hurt, because you're not alone. Everyone struggles. Nobody is perfect. And I've related more and more to this song recently.
       Over the past few months, I realized that I have anxiety. And I even experienced my first major panic attack, which I didn't realize what it was until one of my roommate's pointed it out, who also struggles with major anxiety. I always chalked it up to just stress. But that's not what it was at all. And my way of dealing was just push it down and ignore it. That was until I learned to recognize it for what it was, and recognized that I'm not the only one who experiences it.
        Yesterday was National Mental Health Day. It was a day when I reflected on the ups and downs of my mental health. I reflected on seeing and helping my friends and family get through hard mental struggles. But I actually have been thinking about my mental health, personally, more than just yesterday; it's been happening going on a lot in the past month.
        It started when Shawn Mendes came out with his new song "In My Blood". The song starts out like, "Help me. It's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't. It isn't in my blood." I related to those lyrics more than I realized. At the time, that's how I was feeling in my current situation. I couldn't explain it much. I just felt like everything was caving in on me all at once, while I was trying to balance everything and try to please everyone else around me. And at this time, I only made my feelings known, to an extent, to a few people. (Until I exploded online, and had to immediately delete a former post that a couple of you may have seen before I took it down.) Let's just say, I wasn't in the best mental health.
        But I'm finally starting to feel more like me again. I'm in a good state of mind. And I can tell the difference in how I'm treating others as well. 
         So how did I cope with my stress and anxiety when I was in my this bad place? I actually did a couple of things. First, I listened to music on Spotify. Oddly enough, my go-to calm down music is All Time Low. Don't ask me why that calms me down so well! Secondly, I went to God. As cheesy as it may sound, I would pray, and sometime scream in my head, for God to take the anxiety away and put me in a better mood. Both of these helped in their own way.
          Back to the quote at the beginning of this post, I think that it's important to touch upon why it's okay to not be okay. Obviously, it's true that you should always try to be in a great mood mentally and emotionally. But it's okay to have hard times. After all, the "battle scars" are what make us who we are.  If you get a chance, I encourage you to listen to the song, and the entire album in fact.
         If you struggle with mental health in any way (i.e. stress, anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc.), just know that you aren't alone. Someone else could be struggling with the same thing, just maybe in a different way. It's okay to talk to someone. Don't ever think that you're a burden! I'm here to talk if you need to talk. So here's to a happy belated national mental health day. And here's to accepting yourself for all of your good and bad days. 


Live for God & Love for Music!
- Patience 💙😊

Why It's Okay To Not Know What You Want To Do

     Over the past few years, I've found myself kinda "soul searching", if you wanna call it that. I was always told that you graduate from college and you should know by then what you wanna do, because you have a degree. BOY WAS I WRONG!
      For the past almost 3 years, I have been working at Kohl's. I love the people there and enjoy some of the customer. It's not a glamorous job, but my coworkers and bosses are what have made it the best part time job I have ever had. And I've made some really good friends from it. Friends that I even consider more like family. Sadly, I couldn't make this my only job, so I had to go onto getting a second and third job, which is currently just down to two jobs because of working all the time.
      As for my other jobs, one includes (well includED) subbing at elementary schools, specifically where I spent a good chunk of my time at during college doing my clinicals. I also loved that job. I got to use my degree, during my gap year of not teaching. I got to interact and teach children and make an impact on their learning. Ms. Cox was in the zone! But I had to put that on pause when I got a full time night job.
       That brings us to job #3, Conduent. I love my coworkers and my managers. The job is long and tiring, but it's not that hard if you pay attention and remember everything they taught you. This job also brought in the money I had never seen before: full time pay! My bank account has been looking pretty good!
         And now I am currently searching for another job to replace one of my other jobs. Something different. Today, I'm going to a teacher job fair, which will hopefully bring on potential teaching opportunities. And I'm telling you about all these jobs, not to boast, but to show you that at 25 years of age, I'm still figuring out what I want to do in life. I haven't completely found my niche. In all of these jobs, there have been pieces that I latched onto that made the job worth it. But they're all different.
          Take it from me, it's okay to be an adult or graduate from high school/college and still try to figure out the world and what you want to do. You're human! If that means taking a gap year off to explore your possibilities, DO IT!  Just don't sit around and wait for something to come to you. On the contrary, don't get stuck doing something you hate. I loved/love all of my jobs in some aspect. And maybe, after today's job fair, I'll get my foot finally into the teaching realm. But if not, I'm learning not to sweat it. I'm just gonna take life as it goes and find something that I enjoy. If you're in the same boat, just remember that you don't have to have your career all lined up.

It's okay to not know!

Live for God & Love for Music!

-Patience 💙😊

The Start of Something New

     Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to stress out very easily. I worry way too much and get all worked up, to the point that it's all I can think about at times. Well, this new job is no different. I start my new job at Conduent, as a call center sales rep, tomorrow (well probably today once you read this). And the stress is no different this time. I can barely sleep. My anxiety is spiking. It's all I can think about. It's all I can talk about. I'm overthinking every little thing, even though I know it's just training and everything will be fine.
      Here's the biggest problem: It's the first time I'm working a full-time big girl job. It's not like Kohl's where I can basically wear some semi-business casual clothes and half-hazardly do my job. No, if I mess up, I could mess up everything. And I'm not saying Kohl's is super easy and I can do anything, because trust me it can be difficult and there's several rules, but it's the most relaxed job I've had. But this has a lot of stipulations and hurdles to jump over to get to a point of even feeling comfortable.
       Another reason why I might be stressed, though, is because I'm not only starting the new job, but I'm also gonna try to balance that with staying at Kohl's a few hours a week, trying to sub once every few weeks at the school, and go to church on Sundays, plus have a life as well. I'm going from 14-23 hours a week, with maybe one school job, to up to 40 hours a week for 5 days a week and working at either/and subbing on one of my days off from Conduent. Which leaves Sunday as my only possible day off, depending how my training and shift pick at the end of training turns out.
       I realize it's a lot to take on, and I'm doing this to myself, but I know it's a change that needs to be done in order to pay for my bills and start saving for bigger adventures. And if worse comes to worse and I hate it, it's only temporary until I get a full-time job. But I don't plan on hating it. It's just that the though of it right now is stressing me out until I get there. It happens every time I make a big change in my life. I stress talk, eat only a little at a time, overthink every detail, quadruple check everything beforehand, cry a bit from too much stress on myself, have a huge chat with God in my room, listen to music afterwards to continue to calm myself down, and then eventually fall asleep. Then, I get there and everything isn't as scary as I once thought. Let's just hope things end the same way. But honestly, I'm starting to feel better just typing out my feelings out.
       Ugh! I hate change! There. I got it off my chest. Now time to head to bed and rest up before going in. Wish me luck!

Live for God & Love for Music!
-Patience 💙😊