Hey yall! I read a book for my LIB 301S class last week called "Out of My Mind" by Sharon Draper. The book is about a 10 year old named Melody who has cerebral palsy and has to be in a wheelchair and cannot talk. She has all of these thoughts in her mind that she cannot vocally express. She only has her communication board that she has to point at the words that have been given to her and hope that people know what she means, which is hard sometimes because the only fully functioning thing about her hands are her thumbs, so she has to use those to point to things.
This book and concept got me to thinking how lucky I am to be able to speak and type. The use of words are important. Unfortunately for Melody, she was super smart and had several great thoughts that nobody would be able to fully know. That's why I wanted to start a series called the "Out of My Mind Series" where I just say what's on my mind. I've learned from experience that holding things in without processing through it somehow and getting it off your mind is the worst. Then the thoughts get deeper and you start to lose your mind because you have no way of letting go. I encourage you all to find some way of getting "out of your mind" and releasing the inner thoughts you have. For me, it's easiest to type them all out. So here we go!
The first thing that has been a constant thought in my mind is: guys suck! Dealing with personal guy issues is the worst, but when it's happening to not only you but also two of your suitemates, it's a problem. You get this idea of a guy, who shows a lot of interest in you, then for no reason at all, cuts you off. It's like running a race and having to drop out 2 inches from the finish line. It sucks!!!! In my case, I was "the other girl." When I first heard this, it was from a good friend of mine who is best friends with the guy that I like. He told me that they had talked and he's liked me since last semester. Last semester?! Are you kidding me?! Why didn't you freaking do something about it last semester when you started to have feelings for me? But the killer part is that there was another girl in the picture that he had wanted to go after who, in my friend's words, was "out of his league." That should have been my first sign to abort mission and back out, but I thought that I was still in the running, so I continued to pursue whatever chance I had at this relationship thing. Things were going great! He was being intentional about hanging out. He wanted to sit by me at events with Cru. He started going to my church and wanted me to save him a seat. We would Facebook message and Snapchat each other all the time. I thought that was a sure sign. Then, I started getting impatient because he still hadn't said anything to me. So, I asked my friend if he would mind talking to him and seeing where we stood as far as if anything was going to happen. He finally had lunch with him, and reported back. The response was not what I was hoping for. Apparently, there was a new girl on his radar (different from the "out of his league" girl) & I was pushed so far out of his mind that he said he didn't like me anymore & only saw me as a friend. That hurt a ton! To make things worse though is what happened next. At Cru that same week, this guy has the nerve to message me again to ask me to save him a seat. At this point I couldn't say no there wasn't any room because when I finally got the message he was walking into the room & would have been able to see me. So I unwillingly saved him a seat beside me. At this point, I was trying not to show how hurt I was or that I even knew what had was said between him & my friend. After Cru, he walked with me (by ourselves) to go get food before everyone else went. We sat with one of my other friends, & he was still being super flirty with me. My girl brain did one of those things where I was hoping that my friend had lied to me about what was said & I had a little hope. Well, one of my suitemates/best friend saw that I was sitting with him & was talking to him & started giving me the stank eye from another table. I had told her what had happened & she was beyond ticked at this guy, who happens to be friends with all of us. After he left, I was talking with some of my friends who knew the situation & was really questioning things. The hurt was there & was coming on strong. Another friend was dealing with other boy issues & needed some fresh air to clear her head so I went with her. At that moment, I decided to message him & find out the truth for myself. I figured that if I got confirmation from him about things then I would be satisfied. I was wrong. The message I got back said that he was sorry if he came off as flirty, but he only saw me as a friend. My heart officially tore in 2 pieces & it took all of me to wait until I got back to my dorm to keep from crying my eyes out. It's been about a week & a half now & things haven't slacked up. Some days are easier than other, but every time I see him my chest gets tight & I feel as though I want to cry or scream or something to release the tension. He still talks to me like he did before. He still continues to go to my church. It's the hardest thing ever to see him everywhere & pretend as though things are okay when in reality it's the excact opposite. I know it sounds stupid to be caught up about a guy so much that I didn't even date, but it doesn't mean the pain hurts any less. I have trust issues with guys anyway because of things in my past & this was just the icing on the cake. I know that there are still some good guys out there somewhere, but being 22 years old & still incredibly single makes me wonder if there is. Being so close to finally being in a relationship & then having that pulled out from under you is not a great feeling at all. I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but when I get time alone to myself even for a few minutes my mind begins to spiral back & think of the pain I'm feeling. I'm learning slowly to give my trust over to God & let him decide how I should deal with this, but my mind is doesn't fully know what that looks like. I would like to think that I have & then the memories come back & I'm back at square one with being stuck in my head & needing to write out how I'm feeling & what I'm thinking. That's the fun task. Yay being a girl!
That was enough overload for one post. I'm going to try to do a lot more like this. If you read up to this point, you're awesome! I hope you have a great week & I challenge you to do your own form of releasing your thoughts, whether that is in writing or making a video, I would love to see them! Send me a link. You could even do it privately for yourself, like a diary of some sort just for you to look back on & learn from it later. I'll talk to yall next post.
Live for God & Love for Music!
-Patience <3 =)
