As you can see from the title, I'm used to dealing with stressful situations, which are often brought on by making decisions. Being a person who's indecisive, I get even more stressed than normal when I'm forced to make a decision. Recently, it's been about my job. All my bills are coming up all at once, and with two jobs, my pay and hours still aren't where they should be. So the decision is: either pick up shifts wherever I can and hope for the best, or quit a job that I'm good at and leave my amazing co-workers/friends. If you remember from the first paragraph, my closest friends usually find this out when I blurt it out, which is how my roommate/best friend found out about my stress. I hadn't even considered option two, until her AND my dad kept bringing it up.
Here's the next problem that comes with me in stressful situations: I will ignore the crap out of it until I can't ignore it anymore. So, as she's (reasonably) suggesting that I think about possibly looking at other places of employment, I freak out and get angry. And I wasn't as much upset at her, as I was with the situation itself. I HATE MAKING DECISIONS! So, it's not shocking that I blew up. We were trapped in the car, and the stress built up so much that my options were to close off and stiffen up, or ugly cry. I went with option one, until I got to the safety of my bedroom.
Another thing you should know about me and stress is that I will become a turtle, and retreat into my shell when things get rough. Instead of dealing with the conflict head on, I made a kind of empty promise to think about it over the week, and closed myself off. Once again, not healthy, I know. But I couldn't get out of the car, since we were in the middle of Man O' War Blvd on the way home, and I couldn't just yell my feelings. So, I did the other option and shut off my emotions.
I use the example of money and jobs only because I'm currently dealing with it, but it happens with all sorts of problems: money, work, boys, friendships, social lives, family drama, etc. It's bad! And the worse part is that I can't stop myself. The words come out in my head, but I can't get them out in words. And when they do, they usually come out as anger or sarcasm.
Very rarely do I feel like I'm not trapped and can calmly get the words out. But I've learned that, personally, I get things out better through words. For example, I'll either blog my feelings when I'm feeling inspired, or I'll text one of my friends or family and let it out. The less direct, the better apparently. Once it's all out, I feel a thousand times better. Just like now, I'm less stressed knowing that I have an outlet to talk about where I'm at mentally.
I say all this, not for anyone else other than myself, that I am going to try and make 2018 the year where I figure my crap out and learn to talk about my feelings more. I'm tired of getting defensive and biting someone's head off when they try to help. I'm sick of not being able to say anything. I need to find a way outside of my electronics to communicate. I'm sure everyone around me will appreciate it too.
If anyone needs an outlet, blogging is a great stepping stone. It's helped me to sort out a lot of my feelings. For internal processors, such as myself, it's nice knowing that there is someone listening, but they don't have to physically respond. And it helps to not completly implode. For anyone who needs a person to be that for them, I'm all ears. Talk away!
Live for God & Love for Music,
Patience <3 =)
