I'll be the first to admit that I feel, a good chunk of the time, as if I'm living my life to try to live up to the standards of other people. Whether that's finding "the right job", or spending my money on "the right things", or even hanging out with "the right people". It feels like all the pressure is on. Everyone expects something else. And maybe it's just my personality or how my brain is wired, but I feel the need to make everyone happy. I know that I don't need to, but something inside me tells me that I can't have anyone disappointed in me.
For example, with this whole stupid job thing, I graduated with a degree in elementary education. So, logically, everyone thinks that my next step is applying to schools to be a teacher. My whole family is the real push behind this. Well it's been a year and a half, and still no job. So I keep applying to places in hopes of finding a job, but I don't know if I really wanna teach or if I'm doing it just to satisfy them. And it's scary, because I went to college for almost 6 years and took all the required tests, just to come out with a bunch of subbing jobs and one semester of working as a Title I teacher (aka a higher paid, part-time reading tutor). But there's also a part of my brain that thinks I'm not cut out to be a teacher. I've applied and applied and applied, and all I have to show is one random interview for a teaching job, which ended up going to someone inside of the school. I went to the job fairs, put on my best professional clothes and a smile, shook principals' hands, handed them my resume, pumped myself up as to why I wanted the job, and was promised that they would "review" my resume. But even though I knew some of the principals, I've heard NOTHING back. To add to the pressure of this whole situation, if I don't find a teaching job by October, I'll have to start paying back my teaching loan.
And that brings me to another pressure point, making enough money to survive versus what I enjoy doing as a job. I've worked at Kohl's for almost 3 years. I only took a mini break for a month to try out another job that paid A LOT better, but I ended up not being as happy with that job. I'm happier now that I'm back to working more at my job with my friends. The problem with this is that I'm back to barely making enough to survive. And I can feel the disappointment from everyone else for giving up a good paying job, just because I couldn't stick it out long enough to build up my bank account. But the place that I really wanna stay at, mostly because of my friends and comfort, is not paying me enough and I feel like I'm taken advantage of sometimes because I'll do whatever it take to get the job done. Then again, I turn around and my hours and pay don't reflect how hard I work some weeks/days. But I feel like I just "came back", even though I never actually left, but I'm already feeling the need like I have to get a second job to to rise back up to how it was previously. But looking at my bank account, I feel like I need to do more and work more hours.
Then, there's the whole "dating" situation, which is quite non-existant right now. Not only do I feel pressure from my family to find someone and settle down, but it seems like I'm the only one in my family who is not seeing someone. I just learned this week that my nephew, who's only 16 and is someone I never thought would have a girlfriend, has a girlfriend. Even my best friend, who's basically part of the family, is dating/almost engaged to a guy that she's been dating for a few years. And everytime I go home, I'm asked if I have a boyfriend yet, or they ask if I know if my best friend is engaged yet or not. When you ask my family, they'll say that they don't care and that they're not worried about me finding someone. But then I see their eyes when I say no I don't or I don't know, and a piece of me feels as though they've given up on the idea that I'll ever get married or have kids one day. I mean, I've never been on an actual date, and the last time I had any prospect of dating someone, they shattered my heart into a million pieces and I was left to throw my walls up again.
And here's the thing with dating: I don't think I'm worthy, most of the time, to be loved. I know it's not true, but I've been friendzoned so many times that my automatic response to someone showing me attention is to throw the friendzone card right back at them. I'm a mess and I don't have my life figured out. I'm not as skinny or tall like most girls. I'm not athletic. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous. I hate dressing up or wearing anything like a skirt or a dress. I like my body more than I did a few years ago, but I still get self-conscious when I'm shopping with my friends who are size small or extra small, and they're young and beautiful and several guys have told me they would totally date them if they were already taken. And then you have me, the outcast, who can take a good picture, but I look nothing like I do in those pictures. And I only put makeup, outside of the bare minimum, when I'm going out and really feel like putting in effort. But I look at other girls and am sometimes jealous of how guys see them, and it's just them being themselves. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I can't help it. So, I either default to bro-zone with my guy friends or I do things to make myself seem more like them. And usually the only guys even noticing are the ones that I don't want to attract, and the guys that are "my type" still look at the girls who they say are "out of their league". Which makes me go back into tomboy mode and act as though I don't care.
Yeah, I guess you could say that I feel lots of pressure to conform to everyone's thoughts on how I should act or look or say or whatever. It's human nature to want to do what's expected, but then you hear the opposite telling you to "be yourself" and "don't let anyone tell you who to be". But realistically, we all slip up and lack the confidence to just do what we want to do and be who we want to be. It doesn't mean we're not self-confident. It doesn't mean we're weak. It doesn't mean that we're not enough. It means that we're real humans, with real emotions. I know that I'm perfect the way I am, but it doesn't mean I don't have my moments when I would like to switch lives with someone. I know that I am enough. But I also know that it's okay to have moments where I don't feel enough. So, I'll blog about it to get it off my chest and go on with life knowing that I don't have to be anyone's version of myself. Literally, God made me the way I am for a purpose, and I just have to find that purpose and remember that He's the only standard that I have to live up to.
Live for God & Love for Music!
- Pay 💙😊
