I've thought about writing this post millions of times. Basically, the reason for it is one word: ANXIETY. I've written about my anxiety before in previous posts, but recently it's gotten a lot worse. So, the only thing I know to do right now is to write out my feelings. If you're reading this and suffer from anxiety too, I hope this helps you, or at least helps you feel like you're not alone.
Let me start by saying, I haven't had it all of my life. Actually, it didn't start becoming a noticable thing until a few months ago. Maybe there were signs of it beforehand, but I didn't recognize it until the past few months. No, I haven't been properly diagnosed, but I live with 2 people who suffer from severe anxiety and depression, and one of them was the one to even point it out to me.
It started with financial struggles. I was working at a job that was paying me way less than what I needed to pay all of my bills and live comfortably. For months, my bank account would often go into the negatives or I would have to hold off from paying for bills. I didn't even make enough to save at least $5.00. Sounds normal so far right? But the thing that set me over the edge is that I would focus solely on money and finding ways just to pay my bills. And that's when I had my first panic attack. My roommate was talking to me in the car about looking for a new job and leaving a job I knew for 3 years. Immediately, even though she never attacked me and wasn't fighting me, I felt trapped in my own car. It was like I couldn't wait to get out of the car and breathe fresh air. To the average person, we were just having an adult conversation. But my brain told me it was an attack. So, I started crying and breathing heavily. And it happened every time we had that conversation. When she mentioned that I sounded like I had anxiety, it all made sense. I had a feeling that it was anxiety, but I didn't want to label it if I was just super stressed, because I knew that it was a serious mental disease and not something to take lightly. I've seen my roommate have panic attacks before, and it wasn't a walk in the park.
Fast forward to today, where I have a good paying job and plenty of money to live comfortably and pay for all of my bills, but my anxiety has come back full speed. At first, I thought my trigger was money or control, but I've realized that my trigger is not being able to be in control or fix a problem. The first of the panic attacks started when I went home to visit my family last week for my grandpa's birthday. It was a great, but short visit. I was fine while I was there, but it started when I got home and was about to fall asleep. I had found out my second cousin (who I consider just my cousin) was having open heart surgery in the morning, but it was a SUPER risky procedure. To top it off, his sister (who feels more like my aunt than my cousin and who I'm super close to) and my grandma were the only ones who were going to be there, and they both have health issues as well. On top of this happening, I heard about all the tests and possible heart complications going on with my dad. And then I knew my grandpa wasn't in the best health that he was years ago. And my cousins' other sister was trying to start drama. I prayed to God to help all of them and I kept wishing I could just drive back home and be with them instead of in my apartment. That's when it started. I realized I couldn't do anything to help all of them, and my brain shot panic all through my body. I started balling. I couldn't breathe through my nose. I could barely breathe out of my mouth. My chest felt heavy. My body felt hot. And I craved water. But I just wanted to crash to the ground into a ball or grip onto something to make the pain stop. My roommates were all asleep, because it was 1:00am, so I couldn't call out to them for help. After about 15 minutes of crying hard and drinking water to cool and calm myself down, I was finally able to stop it and try to go to sleep. It was one of the scariest feeling I had felt in a while. That is, until a few nights later...
The second time it happened this week was I found out some "truths" about people I was really close to, or I thought I was was close to. That's as far as I'll say for now. They're not bad people, but it was a crappy situation. I had already been feeling upset because I didn't hang out with this certain group of friends, and this night was the straw that broke the camel's back. I found out this secret, and my body tensed up and I had to hold back the tears. My hormones could have had something to do with this, but I knew something was up. So my natural reaction was to shut down, in order to not burst into tears and break down. That part didn't come until after I got home. Once again, my roommates were asleep, so I was alone again. I started balling again. And I couldn't breathe. Much like the first time. In the moment, I thought I was just really upset and didn't recognize that I was having a panic attack. It was on and off like this for hours. I would think about what happened, and it would start again and last for about 15ish minutes each.
The most recent attack came the next day after the situation happened. This time one of my roommates was awake, but I hid my reaction very well. I fast walked to my room, with water and paper towel in hand to calm myself down. Luckily, this was only about 5 minutes. The cause of this was thinking about what went down with my friends again. Thinking about it now, the cause was another time when I wasn't in control. But more than that, I think my brain also wanted to fix what was happening, even though there's nothing that I could do to change it.
My panic attacks aren't my only source of anxiety. Sometimes I don't want to leave my bed or do anything. I can make plans with someone to hang out, but I gotta convince myself to be productive and just do the thing. I don't believe it's full blown social anxiety, but there's aspects of it when I try to go out and find ways to get out of it no matter how fun it will be.
Back to the title of this post, I conceal my anxiety well to anyone who doesn't know me well. It's like a happy mask that I paste onto my face and act like nothing is wrong. Nobody sees me break down. No one sees how unhappy I am. Think of the music video for "Fake Happy" by Paramore, and that's me a good chunk of the time recently. That's not who I am all the time, but I can tell you these past few weeks have been when I've felt it the hardest. I feel like I'm barely holding myself together. It's really hard sometimes, but nobody asks. There's only a rare few who have seen me at my worst and can see through my mask, but most have no clue what's happening in my head. It's like there's a stigma that if you have a mental disease, that you're somehow broken. But that's just your brain playing tricks on you. And I've definitely felt that pain.
I am by no means an expert on this topic, so I need suggestions of what you (if you're in this same situation) do when you are on the verge of a panic attack or are feeling like your anxiety is taking over your entire body. I know thus far I've found that drinking water and listening to music helps calm me, as well as praying for it to pass. This is gonna sound weird, but All Time Low has been the band that has helped the most. It's like I listen to their songs, especially "Weightless", and my body relaxes. It's the weirdest thing! But I'm open to suggestions. I don't wanna take medication, unless it's a last result, so any help or tips would be much appreciated. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes can't recognize the person I'm pretending to be. It's frustrating!
Honestly, I hope that this helped someone. Like I said, I'm not an expert on the topic. But I feel like I needed to share this and get it off of my brain. In a previous post I've talked abotu writing as a method to ease my anxiety and stress, and I'm already seeing progress in my mind the longer I type. If you have every felt like me, don't be ashamed of it. It's scary, but it helps to no that someone else knows exactly how you feel. You're not alone.
Live for God & Love for Music!
-Pay 💕😊
Saturday, September 15, 2018
Sunday, June 3, 2018
Not Feeling Like You're Doing Enough
I'll be the first to admit that I feel, a good chunk of the time, as if I'm living my life to try to live up to the standards of other people. Whether that's finding "the right job", or spending my money on "the right things", or even hanging out with "the right people". It feels like all the pressure is on. Everyone expects something else. And maybe it's just my personality or how my brain is wired, but I feel the need to make everyone happy. I know that I don't need to, but something inside me tells me that I can't have anyone disappointed in me.
For example, with this whole stupid job thing, I graduated with a degree in elementary education. So, logically, everyone thinks that my next step is applying to schools to be a teacher. My whole family is the real push behind this. Well it's been a year and a half, and still no job. So I keep applying to places in hopes of finding a job, but I don't know if I really wanna teach or if I'm doing it just to satisfy them. And it's scary, because I went to college for almost 6 years and took all the required tests, just to come out with a bunch of subbing jobs and one semester of working as a Title I teacher (aka a higher paid, part-time reading tutor). But there's also a part of my brain that thinks I'm not cut out to be a teacher. I've applied and applied and applied, and all I have to show is one random interview for a teaching job, which ended up going to someone inside of the school. I went to the job fairs, put on my best professional clothes and a smile, shook principals' hands, handed them my resume, pumped myself up as to why I wanted the job, and was promised that they would "review" my resume. But even though I knew some of the principals, I've heard NOTHING back. To add to the pressure of this whole situation, if I don't find a teaching job by October, I'll have to start paying back my teaching loan.
And that brings me to another pressure point, making enough money to survive versus what I enjoy doing as a job. I've worked at Kohl's for almost 3 years. I only took a mini break for a month to try out another job that paid A LOT better, but I ended up not being as happy with that job. I'm happier now that I'm back to working more at my job with my friends. The problem with this is that I'm back to barely making enough to survive. And I can feel the disappointment from everyone else for giving up a good paying job, just because I couldn't stick it out long enough to build up my bank account. But the place that I really wanna stay at, mostly because of my friends and comfort, is not paying me enough and I feel like I'm taken advantage of sometimes because I'll do whatever it take to get the job done. Then again, I turn around and my hours and pay don't reflect how hard I work some weeks/days. But I feel like I just "came back", even though I never actually left, but I'm already feeling the need like I have to get a second job to to rise back up to how it was previously. But looking at my bank account, I feel like I need to do more and work more hours.
Then, there's the whole "dating" situation, which is quite non-existant right now. Not only do I feel pressure from my family to find someone and settle down, but it seems like I'm the only one in my family who is not seeing someone. I just learned this week that my nephew, who's only 16 and is someone I never thought would have a girlfriend, has a girlfriend. Even my best friend, who's basically part of the family, is dating/almost engaged to a guy that she's been dating for a few years. And everytime I go home, I'm asked if I have a boyfriend yet, or they ask if I know if my best friend is engaged yet or not. When you ask my family, they'll say that they don't care and that they're not worried about me finding someone. But then I see their eyes when I say no I don't or I don't know, and a piece of me feels as though they've given up on the idea that I'll ever get married or have kids one day. I mean, I've never been on an actual date, and the last time I had any prospect of dating someone, they shattered my heart into a million pieces and I was left to throw my walls up again.
And here's the thing with dating: I don't think I'm worthy, most of the time, to be loved. I know it's not true, but I've been friendzoned so many times that my automatic response to someone showing me attention is to throw the friendzone card right back at them. I'm a mess and I don't have my life figured out. I'm not as skinny or tall like most girls. I'm not athletic. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous. I hate dressing up or wearing anything like a skirt or a dress. I like my body more than I did a few years ago, but I still get self-conscious when I'm shopping with my friends who are size small or extra small, and they're young and beautiful and several guys have told me they would totally date them if they were already taken. And then you have me, the outcast, who can take a good picture, but I look nothing like I do in those pictures. And I only put makeup, outside of the bare minimum, when I'm going out and really feel like putting in effort. But I look at other girls and am sometimes jealous of how guys see them, and it's just them being themselves. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I can't help it. So, I either default to bro-zone with my guy friends or I do things to make myself seem more like them. And usually the only guys even noticing are the ones that I don't want to attract, and the guys that are "my type" still look at the girls who they say are "out of their league". Which makes me go back into tomboy mode and act as though I don't care.
Yeah, I guess you could say that I feel lots of pressure to conform to everyone's thoughts on how I should act or look or say or whatever. It's human nature to want to do what's expected, but then you hear the opposite telling you to "be yourself" and "don't let anyone tell you who to be". But realistically, we all slip up and lack the confidence to just do what we want to do and be who we want to be. It doesn't mean we're not self-confident. It doesn't mean we're weak. It doesn't mean that we're not enough. It means that we're real humans, with real emotions. I know that I'm perfect the way I am, but it doesn't mean I don't have my moments when I would like to switch lives with someone. I know that I am enough. But I also know that it's okay to have moments where I don't feel enough. So, I'll blog about it to get it off my chest and go on with life knowing that I don't have to be anyone's version of myself. Literally, God made me the way I am for a purpose, and I just have to find that purpose and remember that He's the only standard that I have to live up to.
Live for God & Love for Music!
- Pay 💙😊
For example, with this whole stupid job thing, I graduated with a degree in elementary education. So, logically, everyone thinks that my next step is applying to schools to be a teacher. My whole family is the real push behind this. Well it's been a year and a half, and still no job. So I keep applying to places in hopes of finding a job, but I don't know if I really wanna teach or if I'm doing it just to satisfy them. And it's scary, because I went to college for almost 6 years and took all the required tests, just to come out with a bunch of subbing jobs and one semester of working as a Title I teacher (aka a higher paid, part-time reading tutor). But there's also a part of my brain that thinks I'm not cut out to be a teacher. I've applied and applied and applied, and all I have to show is one random interview for a teaching job, which ended up going to someone inside of the school. I went to the job fairs, put on my best professional clothes and a smile, shook principals' hands, handed them my resume, pumped myself up as to why I wanted the job, and was promised that they would "review" my resume. But even though I knew some of the principals, I've heard NOTHING back. To add to the pressure of this whole situation, if I don't find a teaching job by October, I'll have to start paying back my teaching loan.
And that brings me to another pressure point, making enough money to survive versus what I enjoy doing as a job. I've worked at Kohl's for almost 3 years. I only took a mini break for a month to try out another job that paid A LOT better, but I ended up not being as happy with that job. I'm happier now that I'm back to working more at my job with my friends. The problem with this is that I'm back to barely making enough to survive. And I can feel the disappointment from everyone else for giving up a good paying job, just because I couldn't stick it out long enough to build up my bank account. But the place that I really wanna stay at, mostly because of my friends and comfort, is not paying me enough and I feel like I'm taken advantage of sometimes because I'll do whatever it take to get the job done. Then again, I turn around and my hours and pay don't reflect how hard I work some weeks/days. But I feel like I just "came back", even though I never actually left, but I'm already feeling the need like I have to get a second job to to rise back up to how it was previously. But looking at my bank account, I feel like I need to do more and work more hours.
Then, there's the whole "dating" situation, which is quite non-existant right now. Not only do I feel pressure from my family to find someone and settle down, but it seems like I'm the only one in my family who is not seeing someone. I just learned this week that my nephew, who's only 16 and is someone I never thought would have a girlfriend, has a girlfriend. Even my best friend, who's basically part of the family, is dating/almost engaged to a guy that she's been dating for a few years. And everytime I go home, I'm asked if I have a boyfriend yet, or they ask if I know if my best friend is engaged yet or not. When you ask my family, they'll say that they don't care and that they're not worried about me finding someone. But then I see their eyes when I say no I don't or I don't know, and a piece of me feels as though they've given up on the idea that I'll ever get married or have kids one day. I mean, I've never been on an actual date, and the last time I had any prospect of dating someone, they shattered my heart into a million pieces and I was left to throw my walls up again.
And here's the thing with dating: I don't think I'm worthy, most of the time, to be loved. I know it's not true, but I've been friendzoned so many times that my automatic response to someone showing me attention is to throw the friendzone card right back at them. I'm a mess and I don't have my life figured out. I'm not as skinny or tall like most girls. I'm not athletic. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous. I hate dressing up or wearing anything like a skirt or a dress. I like my body more than I did a few years ago, but I still get self-conscious when I'm shopping with my friends who are size small or extra small, and they're young and beautiful and several guys have told me they would totally date them if they were already taken. And then you have me, the outcast, who can take a good picture, but I look nothing like I do in those pictures. And I only put makeup, outside of the bare minimum, when I'm going out and really feel like putting in effort. But I look at other girls and am sometimes jealous of how guys see them, and it's just them being themselves. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I can't help it. So, I either default to bro-zone with my guy friends or I do things to make myself seem more like them. And usually the only guys even noticing are the ones that I don't want to attract, and the guys that are "my type" still look at the girls who they say are "out of their league". Which makes me go back into tomboy mode and act as though I don't care.
Yeah, I guess you could say that I feel lots of pressure to conform to everyone's thoughts on how I should act or look or say or whatever. It's human nature to want to do what's expected, but then you hear the opposite telling you to "be yourself" and "don't let anyone tell you who to be". But realistically, we all slip up and lack the confidence to just do what we want to do and be who we want to be. It doesn't mean we're not self-confident. It doesn't mean we're weak. It doesn't mean that we're not enough. It means that we're real humans, with real emotions. I know that I'm perfect the way I am, but it doesn't mean I don't have my moments when I would like to switch lives with someone. I know that I am enough. But I also know that it's okay to have moments where I don't feel enough. So, I'll blog about it to get it off my chest and go on with life knowing that I don't have to be anyone's version of myself. Literally, God made me the way I am for a purpose, and I just have to find that purpose and remember that He's the only standard that I have to live up to.
Live for God & Love for Music!
- Pay 💙😊
Thursday, May 3, 2018
An Open Letter to the Guy Who Set The Bar High
To the guy who set the bar high for my dating life:
You probably won't ever read this, but I'm still gonna say it. But even then, you probably still wouldn't know that this is about you. I've told you to your face (well actually over text) how I feel. And I can't say that the feelings I'm currently having are permanent, but for now, you've set the bar high.
I came to this conclusion after thinking about why I don't date someone. While it's true that I've thought guys were cute and tried to "talk" to them, inside I back out and find some little thing that makes me say, "I can't do this. This isn't gonna work out." It could be as tiny as him liking country music or he asks me too personal questions. But why?! Why do I let these little things get in the way of what could be a good guy?! The answer is: you.
So what is it about you that attracts me to you? The main thing is that we just connect and I feel comfortable around you. That doesn't happen! I'm not gonna act like it was an instant connection. When we met almost 3 years ago, I just saw you as the class clown of the place. As of maybe a year and a half, we started getting closer. Both of our walls were broken down. I opened up to you about my past. You told me all about your past. And we've even expressed to each other that we know each other better than anyone else in our lives, including our closest friends and family. You're the guy I couldn't go a day without talking to for months. You were the first text when I was having a panic attack. You were the first person I texted when I just needed someone to talk to or had a funny story to tell. Because you get me! I don't have to fake it with you.
Are you my "perfect guy"? No. But then again, is there such a thing? So then why aren't we dating? Well the answer is simple, I think: you're not into me in the same way I'm into you. When I told you that I had a crush on you, your response wasn't judgemental. In fact, it was sweet. I remember you saying, "Why were you nervous to tell me? Why did it take you this long? We tell each other everything. I would never make things weird." That's paraphrased, but those were basically your words. To the normal person, that would've been seen as you being interested. But like I said, I know you. And I know that I'm not your type. We constantly have conversations about both of us being single and when we're interested in other people. Although, it's mostly you telling me about the newest girl you think is cute and why she's "out of your league". But it's that kind of thing that keeps the crush around I think.
You're not like any other guy. You've got this goofy, sensitive side to you that makes you even more attactive. You're no Ryan Gosling, but you've got your own cuteness about you. It's something that most people don't see unless they really know you. I mean I know things about you that even your roommate doesn't know. But it's that level of trust that's kept our friendship strong.
Speaking of friendship, I think that factor plays a lot into why I have an "on and off crush" on you. You're one of my closest guy friends, closest friend in general actually. It's one of those things where my perfect type is like my best friend, but also I don't want to ruin an epic friendship by trying out the whole dating thing (if that were even an option in your book). Like I said before, you're the person I go to for everything. From relationship advice, to good laughs, to rant sessions, and even fashion advice. We're not the standard guy-girl friendship!
But I see the real you. I even see things that you can't see yourself. Not only are you hilarious, but you're sassy, funny, kind, caring, compassionate, hardworking, and passionate. You melt when you see a cute kid. You put other's feelings before your own. You do anything to make someone smile. You have a heart of gold! And yet, you look at yourself and just see a sappy guy who makes jokes and gets swept under the rug. But you don't give yourself the credit you deserve. You're one of the best people I know!
Here's the thing, and the main point of this article, you have ruined my standards of what I'm looking for in a guy. I thought my standards were high before, but I'm looking for someone like you. Someone who cares about others and doesn't take life too seriously. Someone that I have tons of things in common with, and yet who is the opposite of me in every other way. Sure, I'm also searching for a guy who is way more in tuned with his relationship with Christ than you are. But overall, I've realized that you are basically as close to my type as I think I'll ever find, at least in Kentucky.
As I'm writing this, I know that we have limited time to hang out together before you graduate and get a job outside of the state. And I know that we'll stop talking as much. I'll maybe see you once every few months if you come in and actually stop by. So, I'm taking the time to sort out these feelings and realize that the possibility that we will end up together is slim to none. I mean things could happen, but it's very unlikely. And hopefully you'll find yourself a girl who treats you well and is the right person for you wherever you get a job. Do I wish you didn't have to go out of state? Yes. But things will be easier and I'll just have to get used to doing life without you only a half hour away and getting to hang out at least once a week. But you know my thoughts. And who knows, maybe I can find someone at least half as great as you.
Well I said it. You're the reason why I have high standards. So thank you sir! In all reality, I wish things would work out for us. But I'm also glad to have a friend as great as you, and I want us to stay this way for as long as we can. Thanks for everything!
Sincerely,
The Girl with High Standards and A Great Guy Friend
You probably won't ever read this, but I'm still gonna say it. But even then, you probably still wouldn't know that this is about you. I've told you to your face (well actually over text) how I feel. And I can't say that the feelings I'm currently having are permanent, but for now, you've set the bar high.
I came to this conclusion after thinking about why I don't date someone. While it's true that I've thought guys were cute and tried to "talk" to them, inside I back out and find some little thing that makes me say, "I can't do this. This isn't gonna work out." It could be as tiny as him liking country music or he asks me too personal questions. But why?! Why do I let these little things get in the way of what could be a good guy?! The answer is: you.
So what is it about you that attracts me to you? The main thing is that we just connect and I feel comfortable around you. That doesn't happen! I'm not gonna act like it was an instant connection. When we met almost 3 years ago, I just saw you as the class clown of the place. As of maybe a year and a half, we started getting closer. Both of our walls were broken down. I opened up to you about my past. You told me all about your past. And we've even expressed to each other that we know each other better than anyone else in our lives, including our closest friends and family. You're the guy I couldn't go a day without talking to for months. You were the first text when I was having a panic attack. You were the first person I texted when I just needed someone to talk to or had a funny story to tell. Because you get me! I don't have to fake it with you.
Are you my "perfect guy"? No. But then again, is there such a thing? So then why aren't we dating? Well the answer is simple, I think: you're not into me in the same way I'm into you. When I told you that I had a crush on you, your response wasn't judgemental. In fact, it was sweet. I remember you saying, "Why were you nervous to tell me? Why did it take you this long? We tell each other everything. I would never make things weird." That's paraphrased, but those were basically your words. To the normal person, that would've been seen as you being interested. But like I said, I know you. And I know that I'm not your type. We constantly have conversations about both of us being single and when we're interested in other people. Although, it's mostly you telling me about the newest girl you think is cute and why she's "out of your league". But it's that kind of thing that keeps the crush around I think.
You're not like any other guy. You've got this goofy, sensitive side to you that makes you even more attactive. You're no Ryan Gosling, but you've got your own cuteness about you. It's something that most people don't see unless they really know you. I mean I know things about you that even your roommate doesn't know. But it's that level of trust that's kept our friendship strong.
Speaking of friendship, I think that factor plays a lot into why I have an "on and off crush" on you. You're one of my closest guy friends, closest friend in general actually. It's one of those things where my perfect type is like my best friend, but also I don't want to ruin an epic friendship by trying out the whole dating thing (if that were even an option in your book). Like I said before, you're the person I go to for everything. From relationship advice, to good laughs, to rant sessions, and even fashion advice. We're not the standard guy-girl friendship!
But I see the real you. I even see things that you can't see yourself. Not only are you hilarious, but you're sassy, funny, kind, caring, compassionate, hardworking, and passionate. You melt when you see a cute kid. You put other's feelings before your own. You do anything to make someone smile. You have a heart of gold! And yet, you look at yourself and just see a sappy guy who makes jokes and gets swept under the rug. But you don't give yourself the credit you deserve. You're one of the best people I know!
Here's the thing, and the main point of this article, you have ruined my standards of what I'm looking for in a guy. I thought my standards were high before, but I'm looking for someone like you. Someone who cares about others and doesn't take life too seriously. Someone that I have tons of things in common with, and yet who is the opposite of me in every other way. Sure, I'm also searching for a guy who is way more in tuned with his relationship with Christ than you are. But overall, I've realized that you are basically as close to my type as I think I'll ever find, at least in Kentucky.
As I'm writing this, I know that we have limited time to hang out together before you graduate and get a job outside of the state. And I know that we'll stop talking as much. I'll maybe see you once every few months if you come in and actually stop by. So, I'm taking the time to sort out these feelings and realize that the possibility that we will end up together is slim to none. I mean things could happen, but it's very unlikely. And hopefully you'll find yourself a girl who treats you well and is the right person for you wherever you get a job. Do I wish you didn't have to go out of state? Yes. But things will be easier and I'll just have to get used to doing life without you only a half hour away and getting to hang out at least once a week. But you know my thoughts. And who knows, maybe I can find someone at least half as great as you.
Well I said it. You're the reason why I have high standards. So thank you sir! In all reality, I wish things would work out for us. But I'm also glad to have a friend as great as you, and I want us to stay this way for as long as we can. Thanks for everything!
Sincerely,
The Girl with High Standards and A Great Guy Friend
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
The Importance of Mental Health
"On and on
Like we're living on a broken record
Hope is strong
But misery's a little quicker
Sit and we wait and we drown there
Thinking why I bother playing when it's unfair
They say life's a waste
I say they lack believe
They tell me luck will travel
I tell them that's why I've got feet
Left, right
Left, right
Moving along, just the pulse of a heartbeat
This could be the last chance you have to fly
Do you like the ground?
Want it to pass you by?
Then you had it all
When you were just a kid
Do you even remember who you were back then?
What do you want in life?
Would you be twice as strong?
What would you sacrifice?
What are you waiting on?
Don't stop
March on"
- Paradise Fears, "Battle Scars"
My favorite band, Paradise Fears, wrote the lyrics above in one of their songs called "Battle Scars", as you can probably guess. From the moment I heard this song, it stuck with me. It even inspired my first tattoo. It's about not being afraid to hurt, because you're not alone. Everyone struggles. Nobody is perfect. And I've related more and more to this song recently.
Over the past few months, I realized that I have anxiety. And I even experienced my first major panic attack, which I didn't realize what it was until one of my roommate's pointed it out, who also struggles with major anxiety. I always chalked it up to just stress. But that's not what it was at all. And my way of dealing was just push it down and ignore it. That was until I learned to recognize it for what it was, and recognized that I'm not the only one who experiences it.
Yesterday was National Mental Health Day. It was a day when I reflected on the ups and downs of my mental health. I reflected on seeing and helping my friends and family get through hard mental struggles. But I actually have been thinking about my mental health, personally, more than just yesterday; it's been happening going on a lot in the past month.
It started when Shawn Mendes came out with his new song "In My Blood". The song starts out like, "Help me. It's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't. It isn't in my blood." I related to those lyrics more than I realized. At the time, that's how I was feeling in my current situation. I couldn't explain it much. I just felt like everything was caving in on me all at once, while I was trying to balance everything and try to please everyone else around me. And at this time, I only made my feelings known, to an extent, to a few people. (Until I exploded online, and had to immediately delete a former post that a couple of you may have seen before I took it down.) Let's just say, I wasn't in the best mental health.
But I'm finally starting to feel more like me again. I'm in a good state of mind. And I can tell the difference in how I'm treating others as well.
So how did I cope with my stress and anxiety when I was in my this bad place? I actually did a couple of things. First, I listened to music on Spotify. Oddly enough, my go-to calm down music is All Time Low. Don't ask me why that calms me down so well! Secondly, I went to God. As cheesy as it may sound, I would pray, and sometime scream in my head, for God to take the anxiety away and put me in a better mood. Both of these helped in their own way.
Back to the quote at the beginning of this post, I think that it's important to touch upon why it's okay to not be okay. Obviously, it's true that you should always try to be in a great mood mentally and emotionally. But it's okay to have hard times. After all, the "battle scars" are what make us who we are. If you get a chance, I encourage you to listen to the song, and the entire album in fact.
If you struggle with mental health in any way (i.e. stress, anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc.), just know that you aren't alone. Someone else could be struggling with the same thing, just maybe in a different way. It's okay to talk to someone. Don't ever think that you're a burden! I'm here to talk if you need to talk. So here's to a happy belated national mental health day. And here's to accepting yourself for all of your good and bad days.
Live for God & Love for Music!
- Patience 💙😊
Like we're living on a broken record
Hope is strong
But misery's a little quicker
Sit and we wait and we drown there
Thinking why I bother playing when it's unfair
They say life's a waste
I say they lack believe
They tell me luck will travel
I tell them that's why I've got feet
Left, right
Left, right
Moving along, just the pulse of a heartbeat
This could be the last chance you have to fly
Do you like the ground?
Want it to pass you by?
Then you had it all
When you were just a kid
Do you even remember who you were back then?
What do you want in life?
Would you be twice as strong?
What would you sacrifice?
What are you waiting on?
Don't stop
March on"
- Paradise Fears, "Battle Scars"
My favorite band, Paradise Fears, wrote the lyrics above in one of their songs called "Battle Scars", as you can probably guess. From the moment I heard this song, it stuck with me. It even inspired my first tattoo. It's about not being afraid to hurt, because you're not alone. Everyone struggles. Nobody is perfect. And I've related more and more to this song recently.
Over the past few months, I realized that I have anxiety. And I even experienced my first major panic attack, which I didn't realize what it was until one of my roommate's pointed it out, who also struggles with major anxiety. I always chalked it up to just stress. But that's not what it was at all. And my way of dealing was just push it down and ignore it. That was until I learned to recognize it for what it was, and recognized that I'm not the only one who experiences it.
Yesterday was National Mental Health Day. It was a day when I reflected on the ups and downs of my mental health. I reflected on seeing and helping my friends and family get through hard mental struggles. But I actually have been thinking about my mental health, personally, more than just yesterday; it's been happening going on a lot in the past month.
It started when Shawn Mendes came out with his new song "In My Blood". The song starts out like, "Help me. It's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't. It isn't in my blood." I related to those lyrics more than I realized. At the time, that's how I was feeling in my current situation. I couldn't explain it much. I just felt like everything was caving in on me all at once, while I was trying to balance everything and try to please everyone else around me. And at this time, I only made my feelings known, to an extent, to a few people. (Until I exploded online, and had to immediately delete a former post that a couple of you may have seen before I took it down.) Let's just say, I wasn't in the best mental health.
But I'm finally starting to feel more like me again. I'm in a good state of mind. And I can tell the difference in how I'm treating others as well.
So how did I cope with my stress and anxiety when I was in my this bad place? I actually did a couple of things. First, I listened to music on Spotify. Oddly enough, my go-to calm down music is All Time Low. Don't ask me why that calms me down so well! Secondly, I went to God. As cheesy as it may sound, I would pray, and sometime scream in my head, for God to take the anxiety away and put me in a better mood. Both of these helped in their own way.
Back to the quote at the beginning of this post, I think that it's important to touch upon why it's okay to not be okay. Obviously, it's true that you should always try to be in a great mood mentally and emotionally. But it's okay to have hard times. After all, the "battle scars" are what make us who we are. If you get a chance, I encourage you to listen to the song, and the entire album in fact.
If you struggle with mental health in any way (i.e. stress, anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc.), just know that you aren't alone. Someone else could be struggling with the same thing, just maybe in a different way. It's okay to talk to someone. Don't ever think that you're a burden! I'm here to talk if you need to talk. So here's to a happy belated national mental health day. And here's to accepting yourself for all of your good and bad days.
Live for God & Love for Music!
- Patience 💙😊
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
Why It's Okay To Not Know What You Want To Do
Over the past few years, I've found myself kinda "soul searching", if you wanna call it that. I was always told that you graduate from college and you should know by then what you wanna do, because you have a degree. BOY WAS I WRONG!
For the past almost 3 years, I have been working at Kohl's. I love the people there and enjoy some of the customer. It's not a glamorous job, but my coworkers and bosses are what have made it the best part time job I have ever had. And I've made some really good friends from it. Friends that I even consider more like family. Sadly, I couldn't make this my only job, so I had to go onto getting a second and third job, which is currently just down to two jobs because of working all the time.
As for my other jobs, one includes (well includED) subbing at elementary schools, specifically where I spent a good chunk of my time at during college doing my clinicals. I also loved that job. I got to use my degree, during my gap year of not teaching. I got to interact and teach children and make an impact on their learning. Ms. Cox was in the zone! But I had to put that on pause when I got a full time night job.
That brings us to job #3, Conduent. I love my coworkers and my managers. The job is long and tiring, but it's not that hard if you pay attention and remember everything they taught you. This job also brought in the money I had never seen before: full time pay! My bank account has been looking pretty good!
And now I am currently searching for another job to replace one of my other jobs. Something different. Today, I'm going to a teacher job fair, which will hopefully bring on potential teaching opportunities. And I'm telling you about all these jobs, not to boast, but to show you that at 25 years of age, I'm still figuring out what I want to do in life. I haven't completely found my niche. In all of these jobs, there have been pieces that I latched onto that made the job worth it. But they're all different.
Take it from me, it's okay to be an adult or graduate from high school/college and still try to figure out the world and what you want to do. You're human! If that means taking a gap year off to explore your possibilities, DO IT! Just don't sit around and wait for something to come to you. On the contrary, don't get stuck doing something you hate. I loved/love all of my jobs in some aspect. And maybe, after today's job fair, I'll get my foot finally into the teaching realm. But if not, I'm learning not to sweat it. I'm just gonna take life as it goes and find something that I enjoy. If you're in the same boat, just remember that you don't have to have your career all lined up.
For the past almost 3 years, I have been working at Kohl's. I love the people there and enjoy some of the customer. It's not a glamorous job, but my coworkers and bosses are what have made it the best part time job I have ever had. And I've made some really good friends from it. Friends that I even consider more like family. Sadly, I couldn't make this my only job, so I had to go onto getting a second and third job, which is currently just down to two jobs because of working all the time.
As for my other jobs, one includes (well includED) subbing at elementary schools, specifically where I spent a good chunk of my time at during college doing my clinicals. I also loved that job. I got to use my degree, during my gap year of not teaching. I got to interact and teach children and make an impact on their learning. Ms. Cox was in the zone! But I had to put that on pause when I got a full time night job.
That brings us to job #3, Conduent. I love my coworkers and my managers. The job is long and tiring, but it's not that hard if you pay attention and remember everything they taught you. This job also brought in the money I had never seen before: full time pay! My bank account has been looking pretty good!
And now I am currently searching for another job to replace one of my other jobs. Something different. Today, I'm going to a teacher job fair, which will hopefully bring on potential teaching opportunities. And I'm telling you about all these jobs, not to boast, but to show you that at 25 years of age, I'm still figuring out what I want to do in life. I haven't completely found my niche. In all of these jobs, there have been pieces that I latched onto that made the job worth it. But they're all different.
Take it from me, it's okay to be an adult or graduate from high school/college and still try to figure out the world and what you want to do. You're human! If that means taking a gap year off to explore your possibilities, DO IT! Just don't sit around and wait for something to come to you. On the contrary, don't get stuck doing something you hate. I loved/love all of my jobs in some aspect. And maybe, after today's job fair, I'll get my foot finally into the teaching realm. But if not, I'm learning not to sweat it. I'm just gonna take life as it goes and find something that I enjoy. If you're in the same boat, just remember that you don't have to have your career all lined up.
It's okay to not know!
Live for God & Love for Music!
-Patience 💙😊
Sunday, March 18, 2018
The Start of Something New
Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to stress out very easily. I worry way too much and get all worked up, to the point that it's all I can think about at times. Well, this new job is no different. I start my new job at Conduent, as a call center sales rep, tomorrow (well probably today once you read this). And the stress is no different this time. I can barely sleep. My anxiety is spiking. It's all I can think about. It's all I can talk about. I'm overthinking every little thing, even though I know it's just training and everything will be fine.
Here's the biggest problem: It's the first time I'm working a full-time big girl job. It's not like Kohl's where I can basically wear some semi-business casual clothes and half-hazardly do my job. No, if I mess up, I could mess up everything. And I'm not saying Kohl's is super easy and I can do anything, because trust me it can be difficult and there's several rules, but it's the most relaxed job I've had. But this has a lot of stipulations and hurdles to jump over to get to a point of even feeling comfortable.
Another reason why I might be stressed, though, is because I'm not only starting the new job, but I'm also gonna try to balance that with staying at Kohl's a few hours a week, trying to sub once every few weeks at the school, and go to church on Sundays, plus have a life as well. I'm going from 14-23 hours a week, with maybe one school job, to up to 40 hours a week for 5 days a week and working at either/and subbing on one of my days off from Conduent. Which leaves Sunday as my only possible day off, depending how my training and shift pick at the end of training turns out.
I realize it's a lot to take on, and I'm doing this to myself, but I know it's a change that needs to be done in order to pay for my bills and start saving for bigger adventures. And if worse comes to worse and I hate it, it's only temporary until I get a full-time job. But I don't plan on hating it. It's just that the though of it right now is stressing me out until I get there. It happens every time I make a big change in my life. I stress talk, eat only a little at a time, overthink every detail, quadruple check everything beforehand, cry a bit from too much stress on myself, have a huge chat with God in my room, listen to music afterwards to continue to calm myself down, and then eventually fall asleep. Then, I get there and everything isn't as scary as I once thought. Let's just hope things end the same way. But honestly, I'm starting to feel better just typing out my feelings out.
Ugh! I hate change! There. I got it off my chest. Now time to head to bed and rest up before going in. Wish me luck!
Live for God & Love for Music!
-Patience 💙😊
Here's the biggest problem: It's the first time I'm working a full-time big girl job. It's not like Kohl's where I can basically wear some semi-business casual clothes and half-hazardly do my job. No, if I mess up, I could mess up everything. And I'm not saying Kohl's is super easy and I can do anything, because trust me it can be difficult and there's several rules, but it's the most relaxed job I've had. But this has a lot of stipulations and hurdles to jump over to get to a point of even feeling comfortable.
Another reason why I might be stressed, though, is because I'm not only starting the new job, but I'm also gonna try to balance that with staying at Kohl's a few hours a week, trying to sub once every few weeks at the school, and go to church on Sundays, plus have a life as well. I'm going from 14-23 hours a week, with maybe one school job, to up to 40 hours a week for 5 days a week and working at either/and subbing on one of my days off from Conduent. Which leaves Sunday as my only possible day off, depending how my training and shift pick at the end of training turns out.
I realize it's a lot to take on, and I'm doing this to myself, but I know it's a change that needs to be done in order to pay for my bills and start saving for bigger adventures. And if worse comes to worse and I hate it, it's only temporary until I get a full-time job. But I don't plan on hating it. It's just that the though of it right now is stressing me out until I get there. It happens every time I make a big change in my life. I stress talk, eat only a little at a time, overthink every detail, quadruple check everything beforehand, cry a bit from too much stress on myself, have a huge chat with God in my room, listen to music afterwards to continue to calm myself down, and then eventually fall asleep. Then, I get there and everything isn't as scary as I once thought. Let's just hope things end the same way. But honestly, I'm starting to feel better just typing out my feelings out.
Ugh! I hate change! There. I got it off my chest. Now time to head to bed and rest up before going in. Wish me luck!
Live for God & Love for Music!
-Patience 💙😊
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
The Positive Side to Singleness
Happy Valentine's Day! As a single woman in my mid-20's, I know that this day can be extremely hard to get through without feeling lonely and sad. But this year, I thought about the good side of it. Just because I don't have a significant other to spend it with, I have roomamates, friends, family, and lots of other people to show love to, including myself. So sit back and enjoy as I try not to be cliche with the whole "you don't need a Valentine to be happy" post. I'll try not to make it cringy.
Positive Things About Being Single This Valentine's Day:
1) You don't have to buy anyone else anything.
If you're like me, money is a little tight around this time. Rent was just recently paid. More bills still have to be paid. The month is shorter, which means that you're gonna have to do this again in a few weeks anyways. Instead of spending your money on someone else, save your money. Or the better option, buy yourself some discounted stuff on the 15th for super cheap. Money saver!
2) You can focus on others around you.
There are other people in your life who could use some love. For me, I have 2 amazing roommates that I could easily show love to. That could even mean the littlest thing as sending cute little memes/GIFs, or just spending quality time together. Back when I lived in the dorms, me and Felisha (who has been my roommate for a little over 5 years) used to just have a movie marathon, usually Scream, while eating dinner. It was super fun and required nothing but quality friendship. We even buy each other cute little things that remind us of each other sometimes when we're out. It's the little things in life that make it better. But there's not just roommates. I also try to get stuff for my dad and grandparents. One year I made my "famous" peanut butter cookies for everyone. My family and friends didn't care about getting anything, but they appreciated that I took the time out to do a little something. Another thing that they appreciate, especially now that I don't live at home, is when I call and catch them up on my life. But to be fair, I don't call as much as I used to anyways, mostly because I hate talking on the phone, so it's a special treat when I actually take time out to call.
3) You can practice self love.
I'll admit that this one is something I haven't focused on as much until the past year. But I've learned that I can't show love to someone else if I don't show love to myself. This one is definitely easier said than done. But I've learned that by treating myself with a new haircut or hair color every now and then, I'm much happier with how I think of myself. Recently, I dyed my hair red, and I LOVE it! I have so much more confidence because I personally like how I look. Yes, I get tons of compliments, but that's not a bad thing either. Self love can also come in the form of buying yourself something you've been wanting for a while, or taking time out to just do things you like doing. You could watch your favorite movie/show, make your favorite meal, read a book that's been on your must-read list for a while, or listen to music that puts you in a good mood. For a more V-day themed idea, you could have a personal "spa" day filled with face masks, bubble baths, and wearing your pajamas and robe all day. Do things that you enjoy and that make you feel good, aka show yourself love for once. It's the perfect day to do so!
4) You can choose whether to celebrate or not.
For the pessimists who hate this holiday, single or not, you can choose not to celebrate. It's as easy at that! February 14th is just another day in the calendar. Just because the world recognizes it as a national holiday, doesn't mean you have to. Honestly, why does there need to be a day focused on showing love? Shouldn't you do that everyday anyways?
Boom! There you have it folks! I know they're not mind-blowing ideas, but what is an original idea anymore? TBH, I didn't actually have this mindset until this year. In the previous years, I've acted like I was fine with being single, while actually being super sad and lonely for not having a Valentine. But this year it's different. If it happens, it happens. Tomorrow I may not have this mindset, but that's a problem for tomorrow. Today, I am here to say that I won't let Valentine's Day get me down. If you're in the majority of singles who are feeling blue today, try out a new perspective. It definitely helps! Happy February 14th!
Live for God & Love for Music!
-Patience 💓😁
Positive Things About Being Single This Valentine's Day:
1) You don't have to buy anyone else anything.
If you're like me, money is a little tight around this time. Rent was just recently paid. More bills still have to be paid. The month is shorter, which means that you're gonna have to do this again in a few weeks anyways. Instead of spending your money on someone else, save your money. Or the better option, buy yourself some discounted stuff on the 15th for super cheap. Money saver!
2) You can focus on others around you.
There are other people in your life who could use some love. For me, I have 2 amazing roommates that I could easily show love to. That could even mean the littlest thing as sending cute little memes/GIFs, or just spending quality time together. Back when I lived in the dorms, me and Felisha (who has been my roommate for a little over 5 years) used to just have a movie marathon, usually Scream, while eating dinner. It was super fun and required nothing but quality friendship. We even buy each other cute little things that remind us of each other sometimes when we're out. It's the little things in life that make it better. But there's not just roommates. I also try to get stuff for my dad and grandparents. One year I made my "famous" peanut butter cookies for everyone. My family and friends didn't care about getting anything, but they appreciated that I took the time out to do a little something. Another thing that they appreciate, especially now that I don't live at home, is when I call and catch them up on my life. But to be fair, I don't call as much as I used to anyways, mostly because I hate talking on the phone, so it's a special treat when I actually take time out to call.
3) You can practice self love.
I'll admit that this one is something I haven't focused on as much until the past year. But I've learned that I can't show love to someone else if I don't show love to myself. This one is definitely easier said than done. But I've learned that by treating myself with a new haircut or hair color every now and then, I'm much happier with how I think of myself. Recently, I dyed my hair red, and I LOVE it! I have so much more confidence because I personally like how I look. Yes, I get tons of compliments, but that's not a bad thing either. Self love can also come in the form of buying yourself something you've been wanting for a while, or taking time out to just do things you like doing. You could watch your favorite movie/show, make your favorite meal, read a book that's been on your must-read list for a while, or listen to music that puts you in a good mood. For a more V-day themed idea, you could have a personal "spa" day filled with face masks, bubble baths, and wearing your pajamas and robe all day. Do things that you enjoy and that make you feel good, aka show yourself love for once. It's the perfect day to do so!
4) You can choose whether to celebrate or not.
For the pessimists who hate this holiday, single or not, you can choose not to celebrate. It's as easy at that! February 14th is just another day in the calendar. Just because the world recognizes it as a national holiday, doesn't mean you have to. Honestly, why does there need to be a day focused on showing love? Shouldn't you do that everyday anyways?
Boom! There you have it folks! I know they're not mind-blowing ideas, but what is an original idea anymore? TBH, I didn't actually have this mindset until this year. In the previous years, I've acted like I was fine with being single, while actually being super sad and lonely for not having a Valentine. But this year it's different. If it happens, it happens. Tomorrow I may not have this mindset, but that's a problem for tomorrow. Today, I am here to say that I won't let Valentine's Day get me down. If you're in the majority of singles who are feeling blue today, try out a new perspective. It definitely helps! Happy February 14th!
Live for God & Love for Music!
-Patience 💓😁
Monday, January 22, 2018
Dealing With Stressful Situations & Making Decisions
I tend to keep a lot to myself. I'm always on my head. I overthink, but I internally process it. I do this so often that even the people closest to me don't know what's going on until I blurt it out one day, because it builds up so much. It's not healthy. I know this. That's why I'm taking it to my blog and writing about it. Maybe this can help someone else too.
As you can see from the title, I'm used to dealing with stressful situations, which are often brought on by making decisions. Being a person who's indecisive, I get even more stressed than normal when I'm forced to make a decision. Recently, it's been about my job. All my bills are coming up all at once, and with two jobs, my pay and hours still aren't where they should be. So the decision is: either pick up shifts wherever I can and hope for the best, or quit a job that I'm good at and leave my amazing co-workers/friends. If you remember from the first paragraph, my closest friends usually find this out when I blurt it out, which is how my roommate/best friend found out about my stress. I hadn't even considered option two, until her AND my dad kept bringing it up.
Here's the next problem that comes with me in stressful situations: I will ignore the crap out of it until I can't ignore it anymore. So, as she's (reasonably) suggesting that I think about possibly looking at other places of employment, I freak out and get angry. And I wasn't as much upset at her, as I was with the situation itself. I HATE MAKING DECISIONS! So, it's not shocking that I blew up. We were trapped in the car, and the stress built up so much that my options were to close off and stiffen up, or ugly cry. I went with option one, until I got to the safety of my bedroom.
Another thing you should know about me and stress is that I will become a turtle, and retreat into my shell when things get rough. Instead of dealing with the conflict head on, I made a kind of empty promise to think about it over the week, and closed myself off. Once again, not healthy, I know. But I couldn't get out of the car, since we were in the middle of Man O' War Blvd on the way home, and I couldn't just yell my feelings. So, I did the other option and shut off my emotions.
I use the example of money and jobs only because I'm currently dealing with it, but it happens with all sorts of problems: money, work, boys, friendships, social lives, family drama, etc. It's bad! And the worse part is that I can't stop myself. The words come out in my head, but I can't get them out in words. And when they do, they usually come out as anger or sarcasm.
Very rarely do I feel like I'm not trapped and can calmly get the words out. But I've learned that, personally, I get things out better through words. For example, I'll either blog my feelings when I'm feeling inspired, or I'll text one of my friends or family and let it out. The less direct, the better apparently. Once it's all out, I feel a thousand times better. Just like now, I'm less stressed knowing that I have an outlet to talk about where I'm at mentally.
I say all this, not for anyone else other than myself, that I am going to try and make 2018 the year where I figure my crap out and learn to talk about my feelings more. I'm tired of getting defensive and biting someone's head off when they try to help. I'm sick of not being able to say anything. I need to find a way outside of my electronics to communicate. I'm sure everyone around me will appreciate it too.
If anyone needs an outlet, blogging is a great stepping stone. It's helped me to sort out a lot of my feelings. For internal processors, such as myself, it's nice knowing that there is someone listening, but they don't have to physically respond. And it helps to not completly implode. For anyone who needs a person to be that for them, I'm all ears. Talk away!
As you can see from the title, I'm used to dealing with stressful situations, which are often brought on by making decisions. Being a person who's indecisive, I get even more stressed than normal when I'm forced to make a decision. Recently, it's been about my job. All my bills are coming up all at once, and with two jobs, my pay and hours still aren't where they should be. So the decision is: either pick up shifts wherever I can and hope for the best, or quit a job that I'm good at and leave my amazing co-workers/friends. If you remember from the first paragraph, my closest friends usually find this out when I blurt it out, which is how my roommate/best friend found out about my stress. I hadn't even considered option two, until her AND my dad kept bringing it up.
Here's the next problem that comes with me in stressful situations: I will ignore the crap out of it until I can't ignore it anymore. So, as she's (reasonably) suggesting that I think about possibly looking at other places of employment, I freak out and get angry. And I wasn't as much upset at her, as I was with the situation itself. I HATE MAKING DECISIONS! So, it's not shocking that I blew up. We were trapped in the car, and the stress built up so much that my options were to close off and stiffen up, or ugly cry. I went with option one, until I got to the safety of my bedroom.
Another thing you should know about me and stress is that I will become a turtle, and retreat into my shell when things get rough. Instead of dealing with the conflict head on, I made a kind of empty promise to think about it over the week, and closed myself off. Once again, not healthy, I know. But I couldn't get out of the car, since we were in the middle of Man O' War Blvd on the way home, and I couldn't just yell my feelings. So, I did the other option and shut off my emotions.
I use the example of money and jobs only because I'm currently dealing with it, but it happens with all sorts of problems: money, work, boys, friendships, social lives, family drama, etc. It's bad! And the worse part is that I can't stop myself. The words come out in my head, but I can't get them out in words. And when they do, they usually come out as anger or sarcasm.
Very rarely do I feel like I'm not trapped and can calmly get the words out. But I've learned that, personally, I get things out better through words. For example, I'll either blog my feelings when I'm feeling inspired, or I'll text one of my friends or family and let it out. The less direct, the better apparently. Once it's all out, I feel a thousand times better. Just like now, I'm less stressed knowing that I have an outlet to talk about where I'm at mentally.
I say all this, not for anyone else other than myself, that I am going to try and make 2018 the year where I figure my crap out and learn to talk about my feelings more. I'm tired of getting defensive and biting someone's head off when they try to help. I'm sick of not being able to say anything. I need to find a way outside of my electronics to communicate. I'm sure everyone around me will appreciate it too.
If anyone needs an outlet, blogging is a great stepping stone. It's helped me to sort out a lot of my feelings. For internal processors, such as myself, it's nice knowing that there is someone listening, but they don't have to physically respond. And it helps to not completly implode. For anyone who needs a person to be that for them, I'm all ears. Talk away!
Live for God & Love for Music,
Patience <3 =)
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