One of the main reason I started blogging was to talk about my love for all things music. As I kept writing, it became more about my personal life or things I have opinions about. I'm not mad about the direction it's taken at all, but I've been thinking about the way music makes me feel a lot.
I've always had a passion for music. I grew up with my dad and grandparents starting me off by listening to the local oldies country music station in our hometown. My mom would listen to VH1 and constantly sing songs from her youth, such as Prince and George Michael. Then, you have all the music I experienced through church on Sundays and Wednesdays, MTV (when they still played music videos), VH1, BET, and even CMT (when I still liked country).
I'm pretty sure I started singing at age 3, or maybe even sooner, at church. And I would always belt my little lungs out in the car and whenever my favorite song came on the TV. Today, it's not any different, I've just added shower singing and sometimes singing on social media.
I go to a different place when I'm listening to the a great song blast in my eardrums. I've seen it turn my mood from super sour to happy go lucky. I've had the biggest headache, and the only thing that cures it is singing (true story). There's been times where it wakes me up during a long car ride, and also puts me to sleep instantly. I wish I were making this up!
I'm sure I've annoyed everyone in my life by the way I, on instinct, try to copy whoever I'm listening to. I've developed a wider range and a rasp from doing it. I also think that may be the reason I lose my voice as much as I do. But basically what I'm saying is that I don't intend on copying the artist I listen to.
Am I the best singer? ABSOLUTLEY NOT! But music is the greatest thing to come into my life. It's something that takes over my entire being. If I could make it my career for life, you bet I would. I looked back at my old elementary school video yearbooks, and from kindergarten - 3rd grade I said I wanted to be a popstar or a singer when I grew up, not 4th grade because aparently I thought I was good at basketball that year and wanted to be in the WNBA 😂. Moral to the story is that this isn't something I've recently thought about.
Because I've been surrounded by music so much, my mind is swirling around with lyrics and melodies. I remember every word to a song I heard 20+ years ago. My friends sometimes call me the human Shazam. It's as if it runs through my veins. I'm definitely not 100% correct and don't remember everything, but I impress myself sometimes.
So why is music important to me? It's because it has consumed 95% of my life. It controls my thoughts and feelings. It's one of the main constants in my life, next to God and my family. From sunrise to sunset, I'm always thinking of at least one song. It's like an addiction to something I can't get rid of, but I like the thrill. And yeah I think if you know me you can see how much I love music. I don't hide it very well.
If you want a post about my musical influences, just let me know. I'd be happy to write one or multiple posts about it. Or if you don't want anymore posts from me, let me know too, but I'll probably ignore that request.
-Pay <3
Monday, September 23, 2019
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
Do I Want to Get Married & Have Kids?
As I approach the of my 26th year of life, I'm starting to think more about marriage and kids. If you've been keeping up with the blog posts, or know me in real life, you'll know that I have MAJOR trust and commitment issues. But that doesn't mean I'm not on the look out for potential love.
I go back and forth everyday with the idea of starting a family. On one hand, most of my friends are in some form or relationship, and I'm at the age where it's prime time to start settling down. I get lonely from time to time. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend/future husband, but that's where the other side of it comes in...the trust and commitment issues.
I've talked about it many times before. I don't go on dates, because I've been scarred one too many times. I'm scared that the next guy is going to trample all over my heart and emotions again, like the last, and I'll be left to ponder what could've gone wrong or why I'm "not good enough". Not that I need the approval of anyone else to know I'm enough, but it would be nice to know that I'm worthy of someone's attention.
So then we have the matter of kids in the future. Aside from my family harping on the fact that they want grandkids, when they already have them, I really don't know if I want kids. Most days I think that it would be cool to be a mom and raise kids with my DNA and get to influence how they grow up. Or I think about how cute it would be to have a pregnancy bump and shop for baby clothes for my own child and not someone else's. But then I think about the pain of having to ACTUALLY give birth, or the screaming baby/toddler phases, and I think "nah! not my scene."
Then, there's the matter of my family. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY FAMILY. But sometimes I look at how, dare I say, disfunctional my family is, and I think about trying to explain the whole mess to somebody else. I'm not ashamed, but that's adding one more person into an already difficult equation that is my family.
Overall, I'm conflicted on the issue of dating, marriage, and kids. And on top of that, I can barely keep up with my own life. How can I introduce someone into my chaos if I can't get my own life straightened out?! Would that throw a wrench in things? Would it ease the tension and stress by having someone to lean on? And how would that affect my friendships? Would it affect anything? And not to mention, I've never been on a real date. How does one date? What do I wear? What's a good date look like? What's "normal" date behavior? So many questions!
It's not that I haven't tried. I've written about the "major" love fails, and heartbreaks. But I've tried just about every dating site, which either gets too weird, one of us ghosts the other, or someone gets too curious and I freak out and delete the app (Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, etc.). I've tried church, where everyone is either too young, too old, already taken, or not my type. I've tried work, but that complicates things too much, or one of the above happens, on top of they might also not be into women. Nothing has really clicked yet.
The closest thing right now is that I'm talking to someone who is "an old friend" from high school, but I don't know what the situation. Part of me wonders what it would be like to just go for it. But the other half is wondering if we were meant to be just friends, and I'm only thinking I'm catching feels because he's something sort of familiar and safe. But it's been years, and part of me is terrified that if he sees me in real life after all these years, I won't live up to his expectation of me online. So we're back at square one.
To answer the initial question of if I want marriage and kids, I think for now the answer is yes. The hard part is figuring out how to acheive that goal without retreating into my bubble. I realize that I only doubt my desire to be a wife and mother someday whenever I start getting too in my head. I get scared that there's no one out there for me. I get in the mindset that I'm not gonna find that person who will fight for me and challenge me to not give up on myself and others. I just need someone to complicate my life so much that I can't go on without them in it to disrupt whatever the curent balance is. Only then will it be possible for me to truly know become a wife and mother one day. And I think that desire grows stronger the older I get and the more I see my friends getting to experience these things.
Maybe it'll happen one day. Until then, I know that I don't need a man or kids to define me. I can do me just fine on my own. I've made it almost 27 more, and it hasn't slowed me down yet. I just need to find someone to keep up with me. Maybe someday. :)
I go back and forth everyday with the idea of starting a family. On one hand, most of my friends are in some form or relationship, and I'm at the age where it's prime time to start settling down. I get lonely from time to time. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend/future husband, but that's where the other side of it comes in...the trust and commitment issues.
I've talked about it many times before. I don't go on dates, because I've been scarred one too many times. I'm scared that the next guy is going to trample all over my heart and emotions again, like the last, and I'll be left to ponder what could've gone wrong or why I'm "not good enough". Not that I need the approval of anyone else to know I'm enough, but it would be nice to know that I'm worthy of someone's attention.
So then we have the matter of kids in the future. Aside from my family harping on the fact that they want grandkids, when they already have them, I really don't know if I want kids. Most days I think that it would be cool to be a mom and raise kids with my DNA and get to influence how they grow up. Or I think about how cute it would be to have a pregnancy bump and shop for baby clothes for my own child and not someone else's. But then I think about the pain of having to ACTUALLY give birth, or the screaming baby/toddler phases, and I think "nah! not my scene."
Then, there's the matter of my family. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY FAMILY. But sometimes I look at how, dare I say, disfunctional my family is, and I think about trying to explain the whole mess to somebody else. I'm not ashamed, but that's adding one more person into an already difficult equation that is my family.
Overall, I'm conflicted on the issue of dating, marriage, and kids. And on top of that, I can barely keep up with my own life. How can I introduce someone into my chaos if I can't get my own life straightened out?! Would that throw a wrench in things? Would it ease the tension and stress by having someone to lean on? And how would that affect my friendships? Would it affect anything? And not to mention, I've never been on a real date. How does one date? What do I wear? What's a good date look like? What's "normal" date behavior? So many questions!
It's not that I haven't tried. I've written about the "major" love fails, and heartbreaks. But I've tried just about every dating site, which either gets too weird, one of us ghosts the other, or someone gets too curious and I freak out and delete the app (Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, etc.). I've tried church, where everyone is either too young, too old, already taken, or not my type. I've tried work, but that complicates things too much, or one of the above happens, on top of they might also not be into women. Nothing has really clicked yet.
The closest thing right now is that I'm talking to someone who is "an old friend" from high school, but I don't know what the situation. Part of me wonders what it would be like to just go for it. But the other half is wondering if we were meant to be just friends, and I'm only thinking I'm catching feels because he's something sort of familiar and safe. But it's been years, and part of me is terrified that if he sees me in real life after all these years, I won't live up to his expectation of me online. So we're back at square one.
To answer the initial question of if I want marriage and kids, I think for now the answer is yes. The hard part is figuring out how to acheive that goal without retreating into my bubble. I realize that I only doubt my desire to be a wife and mother someday whenever I start getting too in my head. I get scared that there's no one out there for me. I get in the mindset that I'm not gonna find that person who will fight for me and challenge me to not give up on myself and others. I just need someone to complicate my life so much that I can't go on without them in it to disrupt whatever the curent balance is. Only then will it be possible for me to truly know become a wife and mother one day. And I think that desire grows stronger the older I get and the more I see my friends getting to experience these things.
Maybe it'll happen one day. Until then, I know that I don't need a man or kids to define me. I can do me just fine on my own. I've made it almost 27 more, and it hasn't slowed me down yet. I just need to find someone to keep up with me. Maybe someday. :)
Monday, September 2, 2019
Discovering Who I Am
I'm not the kind of person who loves having serious chats about my emotions or about myself in general. But there are a few people who can bring that out in me, and those are my two best friends (one of those are also my roommate of 6.5 years). My roommate/best friend/honorary sister, Felisha, is the person who makes me have these hard conversations. In fact, if it weren't for her calling me out today I never would've made the discoveries about myself that I did. Those discoveries are that I have, undiagnosed, anxiety, depression, and anorexia nervosa.
Now I know, those are BIG things to just throw out. But I didn't realize, expect for the anxiety, that for months I have been holding things in and not treating my body well at all! It scares me to think of what would have happened if I hadn't had all of this brought to my attention. Did I hate being a ball of emotions? Yes. But now I'm aware of what I need to work on for myself. I need to get help! And I'm not even saying that I need professional help, but I need help from someone who has been there before and can give tips on what I need to do to get better.
So what's been going on with me? I kinda hate the position I'm in at work. One of my team leads will barely speak to me. I can go a full day off of barely eating anything, and not even recognize it. I just moved. My bank account was drained SO MUCH that I couldn't pay rent and had to take out a $300 loan. My shoudler that I messed up 7 years ago has flared up again. And I don't have much of a social life outside of work. To top all of this off, I never realized that I was getting angry and snippy at those closest to me, because I was self sabotaging myself in several different ways.
Going into my 27th year of life soon has brought out the things that I never knew were going on around me. I feel like I don't recognize the person in the mirror. Where did the old me go? Why am I just learning about this? How can I get better?
Luckily, Felisha had me sit down and write a list of goals for the year to make me look forward to having something to work towards. And blogging more was one of my short-term goals. I forgot how much I loved it. I forgot how good it feels to write down what's going on in my brain at that moment. I starting my list of goals by making a conscious effort to blog about anything. Could be my week/day. Could be a random thought in my head. Could be ANYTHING. But I'm starting this off at my first steps towards completing my goals.
If you can relate or want to talk about anything, don't hesitate to comment down in the comment section, or reach out to me if I know you personally. This isn't my call for help. This is me expressing that I am going to make the effort to turn my life around. And I hope you can too.
-Pay <3
Now I know, those are BIG things to just throw out. But I didn't realize, expect for the anxiety, that for months I have been holding things in and not treating my body well at all! It scares me to think of what would have happened if I hadn't had all of this brought to my attention. Did I hate being a ball of emotions? Yes. But now I'm aware of what I need to work on for myself. I need to get help! And I'm not even saying that I need professional help, but I need help from someone who has been there before and can give tips on what I need to do to get better.
So what's been going on with me? I kinda hate the position I'm in at work. One of my team leads will barely speak to me. I can go a full day off of barely eating anything, and not even recognize it. I just moved. My bank account was drained SO MUCH that I couldn't pay rent and had to take out a $300 loan. My shoudler that I messed up 7 years ago has flared up again. And I don't have much of a social life outside of work. To top all of this off, I never realized that I was getting angry and snippy at those closest to me, because I was self sabotaging myself in several different ways.
Going into my 27th year of life soon has brought out the things that I never knew were going on around me. I feel like I don't recognize the person in the mirror. Where did the old me go? Why am I just learning about this? How can I get better?
Luckily, Felisha had me sit down and write a list of goals for the year to make me look forward to having something to work towards. And blogging more was one of my short-term goals. I forgot how much I loved it. I forgot how good it feels to write down what's going on in my brain at that moment. I starting my list of goals by making a conscious effort to blog about anything. Could be my week/day. Could be a random thought in my head. Could be ANYTHING. But I'm starting this off at my first steps towards completing my goals.
If you can relate or want to talk about anything, don't hesitate to comment down in the comment section, or reach out to me if I know you personally. This isn't my call for help. This is me expressing that I am going to make the effort to turn my life around. And I hope you can too.
-Pay <3
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