Hi! I can't believe I'm back at this again! It's been at least 4 years since I blogged. I wrote in a journal for a bit. But it's not the same as typing out my feelings. So let's catch up on what's been going on.
For starters, it's currently February 5, 2024. Four years since my stepmom, Judy, passed away. Arguably one of the hardest days of my life. And I really don't wanna rehash how that day went. I feel like a broken record recounting every painstaking detai. But it is something that needs to be addressed.
So many things have changed since that day though, both good and bad. But each thing has formed me into the person I am not. Which, FYI, I was 27 when Judy died, and I am currently 31.
The bad: I no longer talk to either of my siblings. And I haven't even met my stepsister's youngest son, and he's probably about 3 years old now. The only nephew I do talk to is my oldest nephew, who is actually only my nephew because his dad was married to my sister. But she moved on fast after my stepmom died and is now married to her baby daddy of her second son. Another not so great update, both of my grandparents are in an assisted living facility, and my grandma's dementia gets worse and worse everyday. I think it's also been about 3 or 4 years since she was able to care for herself and be in her own home. On top of this, in the past couple of months, both my cousin (technically second cousin) Robin, who was more like a mother to me than a cousin, and her older brother, Buddy, passed away within a month of each other. I'll spare the details of their deaths, but both were very jarring and took a toll on our family yet again. And there's so much more, that it felt like we couldn't catch a break for a LONG time.
Now onto the good things that have come about since 2/5/2020. I have changed jobs, and finally got my first managememt position, which I am still learning. I got to reconnect with my cousins and aunts/uncle for the first time in YEARS. I'm becoming financially abundant for the first time in my life. I'm working everyday on my mental health and discovering more about myself and my mind each day. I've gotten to travel with my best friend/roommate, as well as my other best friend, to see some of my favorite bands in concert, and have even met a few of them. I started opening up my mind more and more to the world, and now I feel like I'm becoming truly the person I was always meant to be. My best friend/roommate got a cat, who became my floofy goddaughter and an emotional support animal on days, like today, when I just need a mental brain break. I've been able to balance work and making time to go see some family and friends when I can. And I've truly been able to get on a journey that has helped buid me into the best version of myself that I can be.
I look back to the entire year of 2020 and just see an entirely different human. I was actually a shell of a human for most of that year, including the months that I blacked out of my memory. But since then, I have reclaimed my strength and have gained so much more. I have a support system of people around me to keep me on the path I need to go. I have more resources to go to when I'm in doubt. I'm figuring out this adult thing on my own. And it's hella scary! But I'm persevering one day at a time. One step at a time.
I used to be scared to go through life after losing Judy. She was the first mother figure that I had lost. And it seemed like without her, I was losing my way. But I'm finding my way back. And I can look back at that entire period of my life and see what I don't want to turn into again. I will always miss Judy and am forever grateful for the years I had with her. But I don't think I would have learned to be strong if I didn't go through that.
Here's to you Judy! I hope I'm making you proud! I wonder what you would've thought about everything happening in 2024. It's truly a new world. But it will always be a little less bright without you. Miss you and love you! Forever and always! Thanks for being a mom to me for almost 14 years!
- Pay <3
