Why It's Okay To Not Know What You Want To Do

     Over the past few years, I've found myself kinda "soul searching", if you wanna call it that. I was always told that you graduate from college and you should know by then what you wanna do, because you have a degree. BOY WAS I WRONG!
      For the past almost 3 years, I have been working at Kohl's. I love the people there and enjoy some of the customer. It's not a glamorous job, but my coworkers and bosses are what have made it the best part time job I have ever had. And I've made some really good friends from it. Friends that I even consider more like family. Sadly, I couldn't make this my only job, so I had to go onto getting a second and third job, which is currently just down to two jobs because of working all the time.
      As for my other jobs, one includes (well includED) subbing at elementary schools, specifically where I spent a good chunk of my time at during college doing my clinicals. I also loved that job. I got to use my degree, during my gap year of not teaching. I got to interact and teach children and make an impact on their learning. Ms. Cox was in the zone! But I had to put that on pause when I got a full time night job.
       That brings us to job #3, Conduent. I love my coworkers and my managers. The job is long and tiring, but it's not that hard if you pay attention and remember everything they taught you. This job also brought in the money I had never seen before: full time pay! My bank account has been looking pretty good!
         And now I am currently searching for another job to replace one of my other jobs. Something different. Today, I'm going to a teacher job fair, which will hopefully bring on potential teaching opportunities. And I'm telling you about all these jobs, not to boast, but to show you that at 25 years of age, I'm still figuring out what I want to do in life. I haven't completely found my niche. In all of these jobs, there have been pieces that I latched onto that made the job worth it. But they're all different.
          Take it from me, it's okay to be an adult or graduate from high school/college and still try to figure out the world and what you want to do. You're human! If that means taking a gap year off to explore your possibilities, DO IT!  Just don't sit around and wait for something to come to you. On the contrary, don't get stuck doing something you hate. I loved/love all of my jobs in some aspect. And maybe, after today's job fair, I'll get my foot finally into the teaching realm. But if not, I'm learning not to sweat it. I'm just gonna take life as it goes and find something that I enjoy. If you're in the same boat, just remember that you don't have to have your career all lined up.

It's okay to not know!

Live for God & Love for Music!

-Patience 💙😊

The Start of Something New

     Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to stress out very easily. I worry way too much and get all worked up, to the point that it's all I can think about at times. Well, this new job is no different. I start my new job at Conduent, as a call center sales rep, tomorrow (well probably today once you read this). And the stress is no different this time. I can barely sleep. My anxiety is spiking. It's all I can think about. It's all I can talk about. I'm overthinking every little thing, even though I know it's just training and everything will be fine.
      Here's the biggest problem: It's the first time I'm working a full-time big girl job. It's not like Kohl's where I can basically wear some semi-business casual clothes and half-hazardly do my job. No, if I mess up, I could mess up everything. And I'm not saying Kohl's is super easy and I can do anything, because trust me it can be difficult and there's several rules, but it's the most relaxed job I've had. But this has a lot of stipulations and hurdles to jump over to get to a point of even feeling comfortable.
       Another reason why I might be stressed, though, is because I'm not only starting the new job, but I'm also gonna try to balance that with staying at Kohl's a few hours a week, trying to sub once every few weeks at the school, and go to church on Sundays, plus have a life as well. I'm going from 14-23 hours a week, with maybe one school job, to up to 40 hours a week for 5 days a week and working at either/and subbing on one of my days off from Conduent. Which leaves Sunday as my only possible day off, depending how my training and shift pick at the end of training turns out.
       I realize it's a lot to take on, and I'm doing this to myself, but I know it's a change that needs to be done in order to pay for my bills and start saving for bigger adventures. And if worse comes to worse and I hate it, it's only temporary until I get a full-time job. But I don't plan on hating it. It's just that the though of it right now is stressing me out until I get there. It happens every time I make a big change in my life. I stress talk, eat only a little at a time, overthink every detail, quadruple check everything beforehand, cry a bit from too much stress on myself, have a huge chat with God in my room, listen to music afterwards to continue to calm myself down, and then eventually fall asleep. Then, I get there and everything isn't as scary as I once thought. Let's just hope things end the same way. But honestly, I'm starting to feel better just typing out my feelings out.
       Ugh! I hate change! There. I got it off my chest. Now time to head to bed and rest up before going in. Wish me luck!

Live for God & Love for Music!
-Patience 💙😊

The Positive Side to Singleness

    Happy Valentine's Day! As a single woman in my mid-20's, I know that this day can be extremely hard to get through without feeling lonely and sad. But this year, I thought about the good side of it. Just because I don't have a significant other to spend it with, I have roomamates, friends, family, and lots of other people to show love to, including myself. So sit back and enjoy as I try not to be cliche with the whole "you don't need a Valentine to be happy" post. I'll try not to make it cringy.


Positive Things About Being Single This Valentine's Day:

1) You don't have to buy anyone else anything.

         If you're like me, money is a little tight around this time. Rent was just recently paid. More bills still have to be paid. The month is shorter, which means that you're gonna have to do this again in a few weeks anyways. Instead of spending your money on someone else, save your money. Or the better option, buy yourself some discounted stuff on the 15th for super cheap. Money saver!



2) You can focus on others around you.

       There are other people in your life who could use some love. For me, I have 2 amazing roommates that I could easily show love to. That could even mean the littlest thing as sending cute little memes/GIFs, or just spending quality time together. Back when I lived in the dorms, me and Felisha (who has been my roommate for a little over 5 years) used to just have a movie marathon, usually Scream, while eating dinner. It was super fun and required nothing but quality friendship. We even buy each other cute little things that remind us of each other sometimes when we're out. It's the little things in life that make it better. But there's not just roommates. I also try to get stuff for my dad and grandparents. One year I made my "famous" peanut butter cookies for everyone. My family and friends didn't care about getting anything, but they appreciated that I took the time out to do a little something. Another thing that they appreciate, especially now that I don't live at home, is when I call and catch them up on my life. But to be fair, I don't call as much as I used to anyways, mostly because I hate talking on the phone, so it's a special treat when I actually take time out to call.



3) You can practice self love.
   
     I'll admit that this one is something I haven't focused on as much until the past year. But I've learned that I can't show love to someone else if I don't show love to myself. This one is definitely easier said than done. But I've learned that by treating myself with a new haircut or hair color every now and then, I'm much happier with how I think of myself. Recently, I dyed my hair red, and I LOVE it! I have so much more confidence because I personally like how I look. Yes, I get tons of compliments, but that's not a bad thing either. Self love can also come in the form of buying yourself something you've been wanting for a while, or taking time out to just do things you like doing. You could watch your favorite movie/show, make your favorite meal, read a book that's been on your must-read list for a while, or listen to music that puts you in a good mood. For a more V-day themed idea, you could have a personal "spa" day filled with face masks, bubble baths, and wearing your pajamas and robe all day. Do things that you enjoy and that make you feel good, aka show yourself love for once. It's the perfect day to do so!



4) You can choose whether to celebrate or not.

     For the pessimists who hate this holiday, single or not, you can choose not to celebrate. It's as easy at that! February 14th is just another day in the calendar. Just because the world recognizes it as a national holiday, doesn't mean you have to. Honestly, why does there need to be a day focused on showing love? Shouldn't you do that everyday anyways?





Boom! There you have it folks! I know they're not mind-blowing ideas, but what is an original idea anymore? TBH, I didn't actually have this mindset until this year. In the previous years, I've acted like I was fine with being single, while actually being super sad and lonely for not having a Valentine. But this year it's different. If it happens, it happens. Tomorrow I may not have this mindset, but that's a problem for tomorrow. Today, I am here to say that I won't let Valentine's Day get me down. If you're in the majority of singles who are feeling blue today, try out a new perspective. It definitely helps! Happy February 14th!

Live for God & Love for Music!
-Patience 💓😁

Dealing With Stressful Situations & Making Decisions

     I tend to keep a lot to myself. I'm always on my head. I overthink, but I internally process it. I do this so often that even the people closest to me don't know what's going on until I blurt it out one day, because it builds up so much. It's not healthy. I know this. That's why I'm taking it to my blog and writing about it. Maybe this can help someone else too.
     As you can see from the title, I'm used to dealing with stressful situations, which are often brought on by making decisions. Being a person who's indecisive, I get even more stressed than normal when I'm forced to make a decision. Recently, it's been about my job. All my bills are coming up all at once, and with two jobs, my pay and hours still aren't where they should be. So the decision is: either pick up shifts wherever I can and hope for the best, or quit a job that I'm good at and leave my amazing co-workers/friends. If you remember from the first paragraph, my closest friends usually find this out when I blurt it out, which is how my roommate/best friend found out about my stress. I hadn't even considered option two, until her AND my dad kept bringing it up.
       Here's the next problem that comes with me in stressful situations: I will ignore the crap out of it until I can't ignore it anymore. So, as she's (reasonably) suggesting that I think about possibly looking at other places of employment, I freak out and get angry. And I wasn't as much upset at her, as I was with the situation itself. I HATE MAKING DECISIONS! So, it's not shocking that I blew up. We were trapped in the car, and the stress built up so much that my options were to close off and stiffen up, or ugly cry. I went with option one, until I got to the safety of my bedroom.
       Another thing you should know about me and stress is that I will become a turtle, and retreat into my shell when things get rough. Instead of dealing with the conflict head on, I made a kind of empty promise to think about it over the week, and closed myself off. Once again, not healthy, I know. But I couldn't get out of the car, since we were in the middle of Man O' War Blvd on the way home, and I couldn't just yell my feelings. So, I did the other option and shut off my emotions.
        I use the example of money and jobs only because I'm currently dealing with it, but it happens with all sorts of problems: money, work, boys, friendships, social lives, family drama, etc. It's bad! And the worse part is that I can't stop myself. The words come out in my head, but I can't get them out in words. And when they do, they usually come out as anger or sarcasm.
       Very rarely do I feel like I'm not trapped and can calmly get the words out. But I've learned that, personally, I get things out better through words. For example, I'll either blog my feelings when I'm feeling inspired, or I'll text one of my friends or family and let it out. The less direct, the better apparently. Once it's all out, I feel a thousand times better. Just like now, I'm less stressed knowing that I have an outlet to talk about where I'm at mentally.
        I say all this, not for anyone else other than myself, that I am going to try and make 2018 the year where I figure my crap out and learn to talk about my feelings more. I'm tired of getting defensive and biting someone's head off when they try to help. I'm sick of not being able to say anything. I need to find a way outside of my electronics to communicate. I'm sure everyone around me will appreciate it too.
          If anyone needs an outlet, blogging is a great stepping stone. It's helped me to sort out a lot of my feelings. For internal processors, such as myself, it's nice knowing that there is someone listening, but they don't have to physically respond. And it helps to not completly implode. For anyone who needs a person to be that for them, I'm all ears. Talk away!

Live for God & Love for Music,

Patience <3 =)

I'm a Terrible Girlfriend!

     I've been single for a while, and I always get asked by EVERYONE: "Why are you single?" or "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" or "How do you not have a boyfriend?" Well, the answer is simple. It's because I'm terrible at being a girlfriend. I know you're probably confused right now about how I can be a "terrible girlfriend" if I'm not even a girlfriend yet, but let me explain.
     I was reading Lilly Singh's book How to be a Bawse, and in it she talks about how she doesn't date much, because she's a bad girlfriend. At first, it makes no sense. But then she went into more detail. She talked about how she is still selfish and too focused on her work that it's hard to balance a relationship and work without her wanting to give her work more time than she does spending time with her boyfriend and giving him attention, which is unfair to him. She also talks about some of these reasons in one of her videos, from 2015, titled "I'm The Worst Girlfriend" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5JgTP17M6U ). As I was reading that chapter and watching that video, I realized that I am the exact same way.
     Recently, I have been "asked out" a few times by guys that I just have no interest in. I would say that my non-interest was the only thing that kept me from saying yes, but as you can guess, there's more to the story. Something inside of me freaks out and goes straight to "bro-mode" whenever a guy even shows slight interest in me, whether it's reciprocated or not. I freak out. I start making up reasons why I can't date him. Literally, it makes me uncomfortable. Although, the other reason why I said no to the past few guys is because they either hadn't seen me in person in years, or they hadn't seen me in person at all. So, in their minds, I was the same Patience they used to know, just more grown up and prettier. That's an automatic no from me!
     I've talked about it a few times, but I feel like my main problem is that I have trust issues. In my past, I have been burned by a few guys, but I have also been burned by very close to me, who shall not be named, and burned a bridge that is hard to rebuild for me to trust being in a relationship without the fear that they are either just wanting me for some superficial reason, or that they are just gonna walk out of my life without warning, like this other person did.
      Another reason why I'm a terrible girlfriend is because I am so independent and hate to rely on others to help me. I couldn't share my bank account. I can barely share my bed with a dog or stuffed animals. I don't like asking questions. I don't want to feel like someone has to know where I'm at when I go out. I don't like checking in. I feel like if I were in a relationship, I would have to let my boyfriend into my life and have to check in with him before doing things or making decisions. I know not all relationships are like that, but I've seen a few that are, especially marriages, and no thanks to that!
      To go along with my last point, I'm also selfish. I tend to think of my friends before myself a lot. But in a relationship, I would have to think of the other person before I did anything. Like I said, it relates heavily to my point on independence. I am the kind of girl who will do what I want to do, within reason, and not care if anyone else approves. For example, when I got my nose ring and tattoo, I called my dad to let him know I was doing it, even though I was an adult, but at that point I had made up my mind that I was doing it. Even though my dad was chill with it, he did not like the fact that his little girl was being pierced and tatted. (Both happened years apart from each other, not on the same day.) But I did it anyway. I couldn't imagine having to ask my boyfriend or husband if I could get another tattoo. I'm that way with a lot of things in my life: traveling, moving, going out with friends, etc. My instinct would be to just do it my way without caring if it affected my boyfriend.
      Building off of that, I'm super stubborn. I have my own set of rules and values, and there isn't much you can do to change my mind. If I want to spend my paycheck on a new graphic tee, I'll do it. If I always go home a certain way, even if there's a shorter route, I'll keep going that same route I have been. If I believe that something is true, that is actually just my opinion, I won't budge from it until I have proof. Those are just a few examples. My stubborness is to the point sometimes that I annoy my roommates and family with it. In order for me to date someone, they have to learn how to deal with my stubborness, or they'll have to really prove that I'm wrong.
       That brings me to my last point that I'll talk about in this post. I'm a sarcastic/sassy jerk. When I get close to people, I go into "bro-mode" and will just roast the crap out of my friends. So far, I don't think I have crossed any lines, or at least I hope not. I have this thing where I will basically throw up my defenses and "attack" someone else before they can "attack" me. My words have accidently hurt people, and I immediately had to apologize because I knew I had went to far. Anyone I date is gonna have to put up with my humor, wit, sarcasm, sass, and jerk-like tendencies, and they're gonna have to know how to fire back. I can't have someone who retreats and backs down when from me. I need a challenge.
       There you have it folks. I'm a terrible girlfriend, but I'm not ashamed of who I am. I realize that it's gonna take a certain someone special to break down my walls and get me to say yes, but for now, that's not gonna happen. My standards are high, and I feel like I need to be able to give my all in a relationship to whoever I date. I guess it makes sense why some of my family thought I was a lesbian for a while, but I promises I like dudes. This is also why I just don't date, and probably won't for a while at least. I haven't found a guy yet who is worthy of me "changing" for and settling down. Who knows, he may not even be in Kentucky, which gives me an excuse to travel more. 😏 The day that I accept a date, everyone better be prepping for a wedding, because it must be serious.
       For any guys that are reading this and have asked me out/"dated" me, I'm sorry that you wasted your time pursuing a hot mess like me. I give you props for trying though. Next time, do your research and make sure you know what you're getting yourself into. I'm a tough cookie to crack, and I would probably be the worst girlfriend you could have. (There I go with finding more reasons why guys shouldn't date me.)
       In conclusion, I will say that I need to work on myself before I'm ready to be a girlfriend. There's a reason why I haven't really dated since my sophomore year of college. Technically, I haven't had a "boyfriend" since sophomore year of high school, which makes even more sense. I'm just a terrible girlfriend, and I'm kinda okay with that for now. I want to date again and get married and have kids one day, don't get me wrong, but after evaluating myself, I'm glad it's not happening now. And to the current couples, good job on making it work! I have so much respect for you! Maybe one day that'll be me. Until then, what you see is what you get.

Live for God & Love for Music!
- Patience <3 =)

Experience vs. Pictures

     I've been fortunate enough to have done many things that most people only think of doing in their lifetime. I've lived in New York, China, and Ireland for at least a month each, saw 4 Broadway plays, watched Demi Lovato and Paramore in concert for free on Good Morning America, climbed the Great Wall of China, visted the Game of Thrones set, watched a rugby game with VIP seating, "met" James Franco, had Grant from Ghost Hunters come thorugh my line at work, went to a DNCE concert and had Joe Jonas stand only a couple of feet from where I was sitting, went to a Phillip Phillips concert, went to a Ben Rector concert, went to a Panic! at the Disco concert, met Tyler Posey and had a 3-4 minute conversation, and a TON of other things. I'm beyond blessed! But the thing I remember most about each experience wasn't the pictures that I had taken or the autographs I got, it was the experience that I had and the conversations and people I experienced it with. I'm not saying you shouldn't document what you're doing, but when you think back to the things you did in your life, what will you remember more: the picture itself, or what led up to that picture?
     I've thought about this ever since I met Tyler Posey last week, which I'm still freaking out about. I didn't get an epic selfie with him, which I wasd bummed about at first, but I started thinking more about he made me feel after that meeting. While talking to Felisha (my roomate if you didn't know), and she reminded me that she could've gone and taken a great photo for me, but then I probably wouldn't have gotten to freak out over us having the same birthday or compared licenses or talked about how we liked each others tattoos and piercings. In that moment, he made me feel like we had known each other for years and was a friend, rather than a crazy fan meeting one of her biggest celebrity crushes/inspirations.
      On the opposite side of the spectrum, when I went to see "Of Mice and Men" on Broadway with my friend Emily, I remembered how we had to basically take a quick far away selfie with James Franco and then had him barely sign our Playbills. I had a great time hanging out with Em, and the play was AMAZING, but James being a grade-A jerk left a sour taste in my mouth. To this day, I can't look at him without remembering how the rest of the cast genuinely came out and greeted fans, while he merely had his shades and hat on (at night) and barely gave to looks over the people who were his fans.
     There are many other experiences like this, that I could share if you want to hear my stories. But my point is that life is about the experiences you make, instead of capturing those experiences just to look at them forever. Although, I have managed to change at least 2 of my profile pictures and posted the same picture of Tyler and me on the internet more than I should, and I don't regret that. My point is that in this day and age of having the most up-to-date cameras with amazing megapixels, we forget to take a moment to remember what it was like in the moment and take it all in. Think about how you'll remember that experience years from now. For example, if you get engaged, you're gonna remember how the engagement went down way more than the pictures that you had a secret photographer take, which actually may be a cool story from the photographer's point of view. All this is to say: don't take life for granted, and soak in every experience while you can. You may never know if/when you'll get the chance to do it again.

Live for God & Love for Music! <3 =)
- Patience

New Year, Not So New Me

Happy 2017! It's only been a few days, and I've heard so many people say, "New year, new me!" I would like to say that, but let's be real, I'm gonna be he same person in 2017 that I was in 2016, just another year older. There are a few new things this year though: I graduated college; I'm going into a new career field (sometime); and I have checked a few things off of my bucket list. As for New Year's Resolutions, I don't really have any this year. They are more like goals. Normally I would make it a resolution to be more in tune with God or to try to finally go on a date. But this year, I'm making it my goal to just live life as it goes instead of worrying about the future. I guess it's the same thing as a resolution, but I'm still working towards other goals as I fulfill this goal this year. I will grow closer to God this year continually as I walk with Him. I will travel more whenever I get the money. I will make a change in the world by my actions. I am basicallly setting goals as I live my life from day to day, but I'm not making the same resolutions that I always make, which ultimately never end up working out, and I fail them by day 5.

2016 was a year that was full of ups and downs. It wasn't completely terrible, but it wasn't the best. Here's my 2016 breakdown:
- Student taught in Ireland for a month
- Graduated college
- Passed the two hardest semesters of my life
- Made life-long friendships
- Grew closer to old friends
- Embarrassed myself several times
- Worked a full year at Kohl's
- Got a raise
- Got job offers from schools
- Watched new movies
- Listened to new music/ discovered new bands
- Made closer bonds with old friends
- Started listening to podcasts
- Finished listening to a few podcasts
- Lived in my first house for a full year
- Bought a new car
- Got my first tattoo
- Drifted apart from friends
- Tried new things
- Ate new foods (thank you Sheridan's)
- Made memeories that will last a lifetime

For 2017, I hope that it will bring just as many memories as previous years have.There are things I regret, and things that I would never take back. I want this year to be one for the record books. I want to be able to look back and not regret one thing. I want to make God proud. Make my family proud. Make my friends proud. Make myself proud. I just want to make the most of 2017. I don't know what all that intels yet. Could be: more traveling, more tattoos, more friendships, more jobs, or more things that I can't even fathom. Whatever happens, I want 2017 to be the best year that it can.

I hope you have a happy new year!

Live for God & Love for Music!
- Patience <3 =)