Change is Good!

     This morning I was listening to the podcast "Pretty Basic", which is a lifestyle podcast by Alisha Marie and Remi Ashten. The topic was about being yourself and recognizing how far you've come. Remi was talking about how she is a people pleaser and is someone who needs closure on friendships, but she also still has love for the people in her past, if it were a true friendship or relationship. If you know me, you'll know this is EXACTLY how I am. 

    I am that friend who will try to milk a friendship until it's dead, and even then I stilll try to make things work. But as I was listening to this, I was watching some snapchat stories and looking at instagram posts from old friends that I used to hang out within the past year. For a second I was sad about how much I missed them and how I at one time called them all close friends. And there was no hatred in my heart for these people. They even said in the podcast that there was a reason why things fizzled out, but it doesn't mean either side is in the wrong. 

     In the podcast, they also talked about the change that they had went through in just the past 6 months. And in that, they became more themselves and less of what others wanted them to be. That, once again, struck a chord with me. I was looking back at the past missing it, but I'm in a better spot all the way around. 

     The person I was last year was filled with worry, stress, anxiety, anger, resentment, and jealousy for the life I saw others having. And today, while I'm not 100% the person who has it all figured out, I've come into who I am a bit more. I'm not worried about trying to fit in as much or feeling the need to go out, even though I don't have the money. I'm working hard for my money and keeping the old anxiety at bay as much as I can. 

      At the beginning of 2018, I was sad and lonely, and I was trying to fit in with groups of people who were only surface-level friendships, which I didn't realize until I was out of the situation. There were only a few people that I could say that I knew any personal things about and had an interest in their lives. Those were the people I can honestly say I wish I hung out with more. They brought out a side of me that is closer to who I actually am. And now I look at the people that I still keep in contact with, and they are the people who cheer me on and I cheer them on. We're not fake with each other. We wanna know how the other is doing. Maybe we don't hang out as much as we want to, but we're working on it. 

      The next step in my journey is too look forward. To work on the friendships I've made, new and old. I'm thankful for what life has given me thus far, but as I've said a thousand times by now, I'm happy where I'm at. My career is on the uprise, and I'm focusing on myself as much as possible.

       So if you're currently in my life and I can call you a friend, THANK YOU! I love you all for being there for me and for encouraging me to be the best person I can be.

To All the Boys I THOUGHT I Loved Before...

     This post is for me, and for anyone else who reads this who may need to hear this too. I talked in my last post about having more love for myself. One of the first ways I'm doing that is taking a look at what I deserve in life, AKA my love life for starters. If you read the title and thought this was gonna be a parody to To All the Boys I've Loved Before or some kind of letter shoutout post to all my ex's and past crushes, you're not completely wrong. This is a reflection post on why things haven't worked out for me in the past, relationship wise, and what I'm looking towards going forward.
      To start this post, you should know that I've never had a boyfriend as an adult, and I've never technically been on an actual date. The last guy I actually dated was for 3 days my sophomore year of high school, and he broke up with me because I wouldn't "give it up to him", and then a few weeks later he started dating one of my best friends at the time. Since then, I've had a really good guy friend that I thought was into me, but turns out was either just super flirty or is a coward and doesn't know how to ask a girl on a date.
      Then, there was that one guy that I had the hugest crush on since 4th grade, and who was my "boyfriend" from the end of 4th grade to mid-5th grade. We "talked" for a summer and had somewhat of a thing. But homeboy didn't want a girlfriend at the time, but still wanted to keep me thinking I had a shot, until he tried to ask me out the day before I went back to college when summer ended. Let's just say, things ended with me telling him that I was tired of his games and wasn't gonna say yes because he finally realized that he was gonna lose control of me.
        Other than those two, I've tried my hand at trying to do the whole online dating thing, but I chicken out every time after a few weeks and can never muster up the courage to actually meet any of the guys I talk to. Or I get the creepy messages and say, "thank u, next". And then you have the random guys from back home who have seen my current staus on social media, and decide that I'm finally "their type", even though they barely gave me the time of day back in high school. So, I guess you could say I "glowed up" and am not the girl I was when I still lived in Harrodsburg. Along the way, I have guys that say I'm pretty who are either not my type or are SUPER creepy/sleezy. This includes a few guys that I thought were the hottest guys in town back in the day. I just haven't really found anyone yet that I click with and who makes a relationship worth having.
        So what did I learn from these guys? I learned what I do and don't want in a relationship. I've learned that I keep a wall up around everyone until I feel comfortable around them. And when I do let that wall down, I start to show more of my real self. This is the part of me who is sometimes, well probably a lot of the time, cringe-worthy or cheesy or not your typical girl. But I'm also that girl who just loves love. I love Jesus, music, coffee, dogs, Disney, comfty sweaters, hanging out with my friends, watching a good show/movie, singing, sleeping, and being as basic as I can sometimes. Sometimes I try too hard to get everyone to like me. I don't always have a positive attitude. I don't look like a model. My teeth are jacked up from wearing braces and not taking care of them correctly. My hair isn't always brushed perfectly. I prefer to dress comfortable and hate dressing up. I don't like scary movies. I love musicals. I want to travel as much as possible. And I don't know what I wanna do with my future.
       And through it all, I know what I deserve. I deserve a guy who will treat me like a princess. I guy who will accept me for my best and my worst. A guy who won't give up on me and will chase me when I try to run away, because I'm scared of commitment. I need a guy who gets along with my family and friends. A guy who will protect me, but also knows when I can hold my own. Someone who is close, but will also back off when I need my space, just not too much. Someone who will call me out on what I'm doing wrong. And altogether someone who will show me love like I've never known love before. That's what I deserve.
        I won't settle for less. I can't settle for less. I know what I'm worth. Maybe there isn't a guy out there that's right for me. And you know what? That's okay. At 26, I can finally say that my family, my friends, and myself are all that I need. If I get a boyfriend and someday fall in love, that's great! But until then, I'm enough. As Evan Hansen (from Dear Evan Hansen) once said, "Today is going to be a good day, and here's why: Because today at least you're you, and that's enough." That's the a-ha moment that took me 26 years to learn. I don't need someone else. My past whatever they were taught me that I'm enough. I don't need anyone else to complete me. If you made it this far and needed to hear this, just know that you are all you need. No one else defines you. Thanks for letting me rant!


Live for God & Love for Music!
- Pay <3 :)

New Year, New Motivations

     Happy 2019!!! Welcome to a new year of memories and experiences. I'm not gonna say, "New year, new me!" because it's the same me. Instead, it's a new year with new motivations (as you saw from the title of this post). So what does that intell? Well for me, it's new goals I wanna achieve throughout the year. But not just set goals, these goals are things I want to continue and keep growing with throughout 2019 and the rest of my life.
     First, I wanna focus on self-love more. If you follow me on instagram or are a friend of mine on Facebook, I posted a selfie yesterday (1/8) with the caption, "Here's to more self-love in 2019 #newyearnewmotivations #loveyourself". The older I get, the more I begin to accept myself for who I am and not what the world wants me to be. I'm definitely already a bit cocky and confident, but I want to continue with that. I'm not a super model with perfect teeth or perfect hair or a six pack, and I'm okay with that. Now that doesn't mean I can't take days to pamper myself and have mental days. I want to strive to feel completely comfortable in my skin and not dissect every flaw I have. Just taking that photo of myself, I had to retake it a million time because I would see a tiny imperfection that I didn't like and I wanted it to be "instagram worthy" (which I know is a dumb way of thinking). So here's to loving myself more in 2019 and beyond!
     Secondly, I wanna be more intentional with my friends and family. This one is hard for me. I get inside my own world and don't think about reaching out to my friends to hang out, even after thinking about how much I miss them and wanna hang out. I realize it's a two-way street. I shouldn't expect them to be the ones to reach out. We're all busy, but I wanna make it a habit to be the one to reach out and not expect so much from others. Even with a phone call or text now and then. My family has been on me about this one. I HATE talking on the phone, but this year, for my family's sake, I wanna push myself to call home more and check up on them and say hey. Being intentional also means being more intentional with who I hang out with. I'm a social person, but I've learned that I get close to people too fast who are only temporary or who only wanna be friends in the moment and then we don't talk unless it's in a group or it's superficial. So, I wanna be more intentional with my real and true friends, and let go of toxic and fake friendships. In the end, I think it's better for my mental health and for the status of my good and true friendships.
       Third, I wanna continue growing closer to God. If you know me at all, you'll know that my realtionship with Christ is a super important part of my life. This year, I've gone backwards a bit because I haven't gotten to experience much of a community outside of my roommates, because I was always working and was "too tired" to go to church. Which in return made me slip into old habits that I hate about myself. This year, I wanna go to church more and reconnect with my church family and get more involved, other than going once a month to teach the children. That means setting alarms to wake myself up. Going to bed ASAP on Saturday nights. Not making excuses. And maybe even telling my job that I need Sundays off again or finding another BFG or other group of Believers to help me be more accountable and to seek others to talk about the Bible and what God's plan is for my life. Along with growing more with Christ, I wanna read my Bible more. I've been slacking on that this year as well. But it's all apart of my continuous motivation goals of this year and beyond, because you can never hit a point where you can't get closer to God and His word.
       Next motivation is travelling more. I want to get out of my small town and state and see the world. I'm making enough money now that I can save up to even go to Tennessee or Chicago or somewhere that's not Kentucky for a few days. For 2019, I wanna add to my list of places I've visited. And I think it's plausible if I motivate myself to save up and make a list of things to go out and do. It will break up the monotony of just working and coming home and then randomly going places within Lexington and surrounding cities. One day, I'm hoping to go back to NY and Ireland and all of my favorite places. So, 2019 begins the year of saving up for those things.
       Another motivation is that in 2019 I wanna be more bold. I wanna take risks. Accept compliments from strangers and people I know. Actually try dating for once (if the opportunity arises and I see that it's fit for me). Make hard decisions. Overall, I just wanna be bolder and be a person that I'll look back and be proud of years down the line.
       Finally, this last motivation is one that I don't talk about much, but is something I'm passionate about. I wanna sing more. Singing has been a passion of mine every since I was old enough to learn a song by myself, which was probably "Jesus Loves Me". I used to be in choir in high school and even took a vocal class my sophmore year of college, but it's not something I've publicized outside of church back in the day. I've tried making a few videos on YouTube and Instagram, but ultimately I got too timid and hated how they turned out after I posted them. But this year I wanna work more on my voice and start posting more singing content. I love music and I love singing, and I think this year is the year when I'm finally able to start finding ways to enjoy performing again for more than just me and my roommates. Out of all of my goals, this one is honestly the scariest for me, and it might take me a bit to start, so hold me accountable PLEASE!
       So here's to 2019! Here's to new motivations. Here's to making new life changes for the better. Here's to not making resolutions, but fufilling life goals. Here's to becoming a better version of myself. That's what I'm hoping to gain from this year and years to come. As one of my favorite bands, All Time Low say, "Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year." Happy new year! I hope you have a successful one!


Live for God & Love for Music!
-Pay <3 :)

The Mask I Wear

     I've thought about writing this post millions of times. Basically, the reason for it is one word: ANXIETY. I've written about my anxiety before in previous posts, but recently it's gotten a lot worse. So, the only thing I know to do right now is to write out my feelings. If you're reading this and suffer from anxiety too, I hope this helps you, or at least helps you feel like you're not alone.
     Let me start by saying, I haven't had it all of my life. Actually, it didn't start becoming a noticable thing until a few months ago. Maybe there were signs of it beforehand, but I didn't recognize it until the past few months. No, I haven't been properly diagnosed, but I live with 2 people who suffer from severe anxiety and depression, and one of them was the one to even point it out to me.
      It started with financial struggles. I was working at  a job that was paying me way less than what I needed to pay all of my bills and live comfortably. For months, my bank account would often go into the negatives or I would have to hold off from paying for bills. I didn't even make enough to save at least $5.00. Sounds normal so far right? But the thing that set me over the edge is that I would focus solely on money and finding ways just to pay my bills. And that's when I had my first panic attack. My roommate was talking to me in the car about looking for a new job and leaving a job I knew for 3 years. Immediately, even though she never attacked me and wasn't fighting me, I felt trapped in my own car. It was like I couldn't wait to get out of the car and breathe fresh air. To the average person, we were just having an adult conversation. But my brain told me it was an attack. So, I started crying and breathing heavily. And it happened every time we had that conversation. When she mentioned that I sounded like I had anxiety, it all made sense. I had a feeling that it was anxiety, but I didn't want to label it if I was just super stressed, because I knew that it was a serious mental disease and not something to take lightly. I've seen my roommate have panic attacks before, and it wasn't a walk in the park.
      Fast forward to today, where I have a good paying job and plenty of money to live comfortably and pay for all of my bills, but my anxiety has come back full speed. At first, I thought my trigger was money or control, but I've realized that my trigger is not being able to be in control or fix a problem. The first of the panic attacks started when I went home to visit my family last week for my grandpa's birthday. It was a great, but short visit. I was fine while I was there, but it started when I got home and was about to fall asleep. I had found out my second cousin (who I consider just my cousin) was having open heart surgery in the morning, but it was a SUPER risky procedure. To top it off, his sister (who feels more like my aunt than my cousin and who I'm super close to) and my grandma were the only ones who were going to be there, and they both have health issues as well. On top of this happening, I heard about all the tests and possible heart complications going on with my dad. And then I knew my grandpa wasn't in the best health that he was years ago. And my cousins' other sister was trying to start drama. I prayed to God to help all of them and I kept wishing I could just drive back home and be with them instead of in my apartment. That's when it started. I realized I couldn't do anything to help all of them, and my brain shot panic all through my body. I started balling. I couldn't breathe through my nose. I could barely breathe out of my mouth. My chest felt heavy. My body felt hot. And I craved water. But I just wanted to crash to the ground into a ball or grip onto something to make the pain stop. My roommates were all asleep, because it was 1:00am, so I couldn't call out to them for help. After about 15 minutes of crying hard and drinking water to cool and calm myself down, I was finally able to stop it and try to go to sleep. It was one of the scariest feeling I had felt in a while. That is, until a few nights later...
     The second time it happened this week was I found out some "truths" about people I was really close to, or I thought I was was close to. That's as far as I'll say for now. They're not bad people, but it was a crappy situation. I had already been feeling upset because I didn't hang out with this certain group of friends, and this night was the straw that broke the camel's back. I found out this secret, and my body tensed up and I had to hold back the tears. My hormones could have had something to do with this, but I knew something was up. So my natural reaction was to shut down, in order to not burst into tears and break down. That part didn't come until after I got home. Once again, my roommates were asleep, so I was alone again. I started balling again. And I couldn't breathe. Much like the first time. In the moment, I thought I was just really upset and didn't recognize that I was having a panic attack. It was on and off like this for hours. I would think about what happened, and it would start again and last for about 15ish minutes each.
     The most recent attack came the next day after the situation happened. This time one of my roommates was awake, but I hid my reaction very well. I fast walked to my room, with water and paper towel in hand to calm myself down. Luckily, this was only about 5 minutes. The cause of this was thinking about what went down with my friends again. Thinking about it now, the cause was another time when I wasn't in control. But more than that, I think my brain also wanted to fix what was happening, even though there's nothing that I could do to change it.
     My panic attacks aren't my only source of anxiety. Sometimes I don't want to leave my bed or do anything. I can make plans with someone to hang out, but I gotta convince myself to be productive and just do the thing. I don't believe it's full blown social anxiety, but there's aspects of it when I try to go out and find ways to get out of it no matter how fun it will be.
       Back to the title of this post, I conceal my anxiety well to anyone who doesn't know me well. It's like a happy mask that I paste onto my face and act like nothing is wrong. Nobody sees me break down. No one sees how unhappy I am. Think of the music video for "Fake Happy" by Paramore, and that's me a good chunk of the time recently. That's not who I am all the time, but I can tell you these past few weeks have been when I've felt it the hardest. I feel like I'm barely holding myself together. It's really hard sometimes, but nobody asks. There's only a rare few who have seen me at my worst and can see through my mask, but most have no clue what's happening in my head. It's like there's a stigma that if you have a mental disease, that you're somehow broken. But that's just your brain playing tricks on you. And I've definitely felt that pain.
       I am by no means an expert on this topic, so I need suggestions of what you (if you're in this same situation) do when you are on the verge of a panic attack or are feeling like your anxiety is taking over your entire body. I know thus far I've found that drinking water and listening to music helps calm me, as well as praying for it to pass. This is gonna sound weird, but All Time Low has been the band that has helped the most. It's like I listen to their songs, especially "Weightless", and my body relaxes. It's the weirdest thing! But I'm open to suggestions. I don't wanna take medication, unless it's a last result, so any help or tips would be much appreciated. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes can't recognize the person I'm pretending to be. It's frustrating!
        Honestly, I hope that this helped someone. Like I said, I'm not an expert on the topic. But I feel like I needed to share this and get it off of my brain. In a previous post I've talked abotu writing as a method to ease my anxiety and stress, and I'm already seeing progress in my mind the longer I type. If you have every felt like me, don't be ashamed of it. It's scary, but it helps to no that someone else knows exactly how you feel. You're not alone.

Live for God & Love for Music!
-Pay 💕😊

Not Feeling Like You're Doing Enough

     I'll be the first to admit that I feel, a good chunk of the time, as if I'm living my life to try to live up to the standards of other people. Whether that's finding "the right job", or spending my money on "the right things", or even hanging out with "the right people". It feels like all the pressure is on. Everyone expects something else. And maybe it's just my personality or how my brain is wired, but I feel the need to make everyone happy. I know that I don't need to, but something inside me tells me that I can't have anyone disappointed in me.
     For example, with this whole stupid job thing, I graduated with a degree in elementary education. So, logically, everyone thinks that my next step is applying to schools to be a teacher. My whole family is the real push behind this. Well it's been a year and a half, and still no job. So I keep applying to places in hopes of finding a job, but I don't know if I really wanna teach or if I'm doing it just to satisfy them. And it's scary, because I went to college for almost 6 years and took all the required tests, just to come out with a bunch of subbing jobs and one semester of working as a Title I teacher (aka a higher paid, part-time reading tutor). But there's also a part of my brain that thinks I'm not cut out to be a teacher. I've applied and applied and applied, and all I have to show is one random interview for a teaching job, which ended up going to someone inside of the school. I went to the job fairs, put on my best professional clothes and a smile, shook principals' hands, handed them my resume, pumped myself up as to why I wanted the job, and was promised that they would "review" my resume. But even though I knew some of the principals, I've heard NOTHING back. To add to the pressure of this whole situation, if I don't find a teaching job by October, I'll have to start paying back my teaching loan.
        And that brings me to another pressure point, making enough money to survive versus what I enjoy doing as a job. I've worked at Kohl's for almost 3 years. I only took a mini break for a month to try out another job that paid A LOT better, but I ended up not being as happy with that job. I'm happier now that I'm back to working more at my job with my friends. The problem with this is that I'm back to barely making enough to survive. And I can feel the disappointment from everyone else for giving up a good paying job, just because I couldn't stick it out long enough to build up my bank account. But the place that I really wanna stay at, mostly because of my friends and comfort, is not paying me enough and I feel like I'm taken advantage of sometimes because I'll do whatever it take to get the job done. Then again, I turn around and my hours and pay don't reflect how hard I work some weeks/days. But I feel like I just "came back", even though I never actually left, but I'm already feeling the need like I have to get a second job to to rise back up to how it was previously. But looking at my bank account, I feel like I need to do more and work more hours.
          Then, there's the whole "dating" situation, which is quite non-existant right now. Not only do I feel pressure from my family to find someone and settle down, but it seems like I'm the only one in my family who is not seeing someone. I just learned this week that my nephew, who's only 16 and is someone I never thought would have a girlfriend, has a girlfriend. Even my best friend, who's basically part of the family, is dating/almost engaged to a guy that she's been dating for a few years. And everytime I go home, I'm asked if I have a boyfriend yet, or they ask if I know if my best friend is engaged yet or not. When you ask my family, they'll say that they don't care and that they're not worried about me finding someone. But then I see their eyes when I say no I don't or I don't know, and a piece of me feels as though they've given up on the idea that I'll ever get married or have kids one day. I mean, I've never been on an actual date, and the last time I had any prospect of dating someone, they shattered my heart into a million pieces and I was left to throw my walls up again.
            And here's the thing with dating: I don't think I'm worthy, most of the time, to be loved. I know it's not true, but I've been friendzoned so many times that my automatic response to someone showing me attention is to throw the friendzone card right back at them. I'm a mess and I don't have my life figured out. I'm not as skinny or tall like most girls. I'm not athletic. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous. I hate dressing up or wearing anything like a skirt or a dress. I like my body more than I did a few years ago, but I still get self-conscious when I'm shopping with my friends who are size small  or  extra small, and they're young and beautiful and several guys have told me they would totally date them if they were already taken. And then you have me, the outcast, who can take a good picture, but I look nothing like I do in those pictures. And I only put makeup, outside of the bare minimum, when I'm going out and really feel like putting in effort. But I look at other girls and am sometimes jealous of how guys see them, and it's just them being themselves. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I can't help it. So, I either default to bro-zone with my guy friends or I do things to make myself seem more like them. And usually the only guys even noticing are the ones that I don't want to attract, and the guys that are "my type" still look at the girls who they say are "out of their league". Which makes me go back into tomboy mode and act as though I don't care.
            Yeah, I guess you could say that I feel lots of pressure to conform to everyone's thoughts on how I should act or look or say or whatever. It's human nature to want to do what's expected, but then you hear the opposite telling you to "be yourself" and "don't let anyone tell you who to be". But realistically, we all slip up and lack the confidence to just do what we want to do and be who we want to be. It doesn't mean we're not self-confident. It doesn't mean we're weak. It doesn't mean that we're not enough. It means that we're real humans, with real emotions. I know that I'm perfect the way I am, but it doesn't mean I don't have my moments when I would like to switch lives with someone. I know that I am enough. But I also know that it's okay to have moments where I don't feel enough. So, I'll blog about it to get it off my chest and go on with life knowing that I don't have to be anyone's version of myself. Literally, God made me the way I am for a purpose, and I just have to find that purpose and remember that He's the only standard that I have to live up to.


Live for God & Love for Music!
- Pay 💙😊

An Open Letter to the Guy Who Set The Bar High

To the guy who set the bar high for my dating life:

     You probably won't ever read this, but I'm still gonna say it. But even then, you probably still wouldn't know that this is about you. I've told you to your face (well actually over text) how I feel. And I can't say that the feelings I'm currently having are permanent, but for now, you've set the bar high.
     I came to this conclusion after thinking about why I don't date someone. While it's true that I've thought guys were cute and tried to "talk" to them, inside I back out and find some little thing that makes me say, "I can't do this. This isn't gonna work out." It could be as tiny as him liking country music or he asks me too personal questions. But why?! Why do I let these little things get in the way of what could be a good guy?! The answer is: you.
     So what is it about you that attracts me to you? The main thing is that we just connect and I feel comfortable around you. That doesn't happen! I'm not gonna act like it was an instant connection. When we met almost 3 years ago, I just saw you as the class clown of the place. As of maybe a year and a half, we started getting closer. Both of our walls were broken down. I opened up to you about my past. You told me all about your past. And we've even expressed to each other that we know each other better than anyone else in our lives, including our closest friends and family. You're the guy I couldn't go a day without talking to for months. You were the first text when I was having a panic attack. You were the first person I texted when I just needed someone to talk to or had a funny story to tell. Because you get me! I don't have to fake it with you.
      Are you my "perfect guy"? No. But then again, is there such a thing? So then why aren't we dating? Well the answer is simple, I think: you're not into me in the same way I'm into you. When I told you that I had a crush on you, your response wasn't judgemental. In fact, it was sweet. I remember you saying, "Why were you nervous to tell me? Why did it take you this long? We tell each other everything. I would never make things weird." That's paraphrased, but those were basically your words. To the normal person, that would've been seen as you being interested. But like I said, I know you. And I know that I'm not your type. We constantly have conversations about both of us being single and when we're interested in other people. Although, it's mostly you telling me about the newest girl you think is cute and why she's "out of your league". But it's that kind of thing that keeps the crush around I think.
       You're not like any other guy. You've got this goofy, sensitive side to you that makes you even more attactive. You're no Ryan Gosling, but you've got your own cuteness about you. It's something that most people don't see unless they really know you. I mean I know things about you that even your roommate doesn't know. But it's that level of trust that's kept our friendship strong.
       Speaking of friendship, I think that factor plays a lot into why I have an "on and off crush" on you. You're one of my closest guy friends, closest friend in general actually. It's one of those things where my perfect type is like my best friend, but also I don't want to ruin an epic friendship by trying out the whole dating thing (if that were even an option in your book). Like I said before, you're the person I go to for everything. From relationship advice, to good laughs, to rant sessions, and even fashion advice. We're not the standard guy-girl friendship!
       But I see the real you. I even see things that you can't see yourself. Not only are you hilarious, but you're sassy, funny, kind, caring, compassionate, hardworking, and passionate. You melt when you see a cute kid. You put other's feelings before your own. You do anything to make someone smile. You have a heart of gold! And yet, you look at yourself and just see a sappy guy who makes jokes and gets swept under the rug. But you don't give yourself the credit you deserve. You're one of the best people I know!
        Here's the thing, and the main point of this article, you have ruined my standards of what I'm looking for in a guy. I thought my standards were high before, but I'm looking for someone like you. Someone who cares about others and doesn't take life too seriously. Someone that I have tons of things in common with, and yet who is the opposite of me in every other way. Sure, I'm also searching for a guy who is way more in tuned with his relationship with Christ than you are. But overall, I've realized that you are basically as close to my type as I think I'll ever find, at least in Kentucky.
         As I'm writing this, I know that we have limited time to hang out together before you graduate and get a job outside of the state. And I know that we'll stop talking as much. I'll maybe see you once every few months if you come in and actually stop by. So, I'm taking the time to sort out these feelings and realize that the possibility that we will end up together is slim to none. I mean things could happen, but it's very unlikely. And hopefully you'll find yourself a girl who treats you well and is the right person for you wherever you get a job. Do I wish you didn't have to go out of state? Yes. But things will be easier and I'll just have to get used to doing life without you only a half hour away and getting to hang out at least once a week. But you know my thoughts. And who knows, maybe I can find someone at least half as great as you.
        Well I said it. You're the reason why I have high standards. So thank you sir! In all reality, I wish things would work out for us. But I'm also glad to have a friend as great as you, and I want us to stay this way for as long as we can. Thanks for everything!

Sincerely,
The Girl with High Standards and A Great Guy Friend

The Importance of Mental Health

"On and on
Like we're living on a broken record
Hope is strong
But misery's a little quicker
Sit and we wait and we drown there
Thinking why I bother playing when it's unfair
They say life's a waste
I say they lack believe
They tell me luck will travel
I tell them that's why I've got feet
Left, right
Left, right
Moving along, just the pulse of a heartbeat
This could be the last chance you have to fly
Do you like the ground?
Want it to pass you by?
Then you had it all
When you were just a kid
Do you even remember who you were back then?
What do you want in life?
Would you be twice as strong?
What would you sacrifice?
What are you waiting on?
Don't stop
March on"
- Paradise Fears, "Battle Scars"

     My favorite band, Paradise Fears, wrote the lyrics above in one of their songs called "Battle Scars", as you can probably guess. From the moment I heard this song, it stuck with me. It even inspired my first tattoo. It's about not being afraid to hurt, because you're not alone. Everyone struggles. Nobody is perfect. And I've related more and more to this song recently.
       Over the past few months, I realized that I have anxiety. And I even experienced my first major panic attack, which I didn't realize what it was until one of my roommate's pointed it out, who also struggles with major anxiety. I always chalked it up to just stress. But that's not what it was at all. And my way of dealing was just push it down and ignore it. That was until I learned to recognize it for what it was, and recognized that I'm not the only one who experiences it.
        Yesterday was National Mental Health Day. It was a day when I reflected on the ups and downs of my mental health. I reflected on seeing and helping my friends and family get through hard mental struggles. But I actually have been thinking about my mental health, personally, more than just yesterday; it's been happening going on a lot in the past month.
        It started when Shawn Mendes came out with his new song "In My Blood". The song starts out like, "Help me. It's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't. It isn't in my blood." I related to those lyrics more than I realized. At the time, that's how I was feeling in my current situation. I couldn't explain it much. I just felt like everything was caving in on me all at once, while I was trying to balance everything and try to please everyone else around me. And at this time, I only made my feelings known, to an extent, to a few people. (Until I exploded online, and had to immediately delete a former post that a couple of you may have seen before I took it down.) Let's just say, I wasn't in the best mental health.
        But I'm finally starting to feel more like me again. I'm in a good state of mind. And I can tell the difference in how I'm treating others as well. 
         So how did I cope with my stress and anxiety when I was in my this bad place? I actually did a couple of things. First, I listened to music on Spotify. Oddly enough, my go-to calm down music is All Time Low. Don't ask me why that calms me down so well! Secondly, I went to God. As cheesy as it may sound, I would pray, and sometime scream in my head, for God to take the anxiety away and put me in a better mood. Both of these helped in their own way.
          Back to the quote at the beginning of this post, I think that it's important to touch upon why it's okay to not be okay. Obviously, it's true that you should always try to be in a great mood mentally and emotionally. But it's okay to have hard times. After all, the "battle scars" are what make us who we are.  If you get a chance, I encourage you to listen to the song, and the entire album in fact.
         If you struggle with mental health in any way (i.e. stress, anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc.), just know that you aren't alone. Someone else could be struggling with the same thing, just maybe in a different way. It's okay to talk to someone. Don't ever think that you're a burden! I'm here to talk if you need to talk. So here's to a happy belated national mental health day. And here's to accepting yourself for all of your good and bad days. 


Live for God & Love for Music!
- Patience 💙😊