Wow! It's gonna be 7 months soon. On February 5, 2020, my family lost my step-mom, Judy, to a mysterious illness. And that was just weeks before the COVID-19 pandemic bursted into what is putting the world on pause. But it wasn't until a week ago that I realized that there was a part of me that's still been trying to heal and process.
The conversation started with my roommate in the car on the way home. We were talking about how we haven't hung out outside of work and occasionally our family since quaratine started in March. She mentioned how she'd done a lot at the beginning of the year. But when I tried to think about what happened before March, my mind was blank. It's like I had holes in my memeories...That was until we started looking back at old Instagram stories.
And there is was! I saw stories from the hospital. Memorial posts. And the occasional fun post. But my mental health had declined so much that I had blocked out the pain of what had happened. I had tried to be so strong that I completely forgot that I was, yet again, trying to heal others before I healed myself. And in turn, I had pushed away my family and went into pandemic mindset and worked through it all.
Here I am on September 4th, and I was taking a shower and listening to a podcast. For some reason, the person mentioned experiencing a lot of trauma but perservering, and it hit me what the date was. Memories started flooding back like a freight train. Immediately I started crying and sank to the floor of the shower, the exact way I did the moment my dad and I had watched Judy take her last breath. My anxiety attack came hard! If you've ever experienced one, you know how crippling it can be. The last time I experienced it was when I felt like I had no control in that hospital room and watched the life drain from this woman who felt like a second mother to me. But, at the same time, realizing that I couldn't protect my dad or my siblings or niece and nephews from this pain either. I was a mess!
I'm not writing this to get sympathy. But as a form of therapy for myself. The one thing I remember most was how much Judy loved reading my blogs. Apparently, I made her cry a few times. So I guess in a way this is in honor of her.
I know a lot is going on right now in the world. And I know a few friends who are experiencing pain similar to this. And there's the group who are discovering how to perservere through their struggles with mental health as well. I just wanna say that you're not alone. If anything, I've learned through 2020 that the world isn't going to get back to normal, but you gotta find the small victories in life to celebrate. And we're all gonna heal from the trials differently. For me, it's through having the outlets to be creative and help others.
This post is all over the place, but it's good to be back. It's theraputic to get all the thoughts in my head out. And it's good to think of Judy and look back on the good memories instead of the trauma. It may have taken almost 7 months to come to the realization, but it's a journey I needed. Maybe temporarily blocking out January and February was exactly what I needed to get back on track.
** As a side note: I want to try to start up something in Judy's honor. But I'm not sure yet how to do it. I definitely want to do it as a way to give back to everything that gave life to Judy. If you have any suggestions, please let me know!**
I guess in conclusion, I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has helped me be where I am today. Once again, if you're struggling with anything, and I mean anything, just know that you're not alone and things will, even if only temporarily, get better. Here's to hoping the rest of 2020 and 2021 will provide you with ways to smile and keep pushing on! Hope you have a great day whenever you're reading this!
-Pay 💓😊
R.I.P. JUDY LYNN COX ❤
3/9/1955 - 2/5/2020
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