I wanna start this out by saying thank you to everyone who has reached out to my family and I! It's probably been one of the hardest things I've dealt with in my life. I'm not writing this to get sympathy, but to process my emotions and hopefully answer any questions about what happened. If you don't know what I'm talking about, my stepmom passed away a few days ago from an unknown brain infection/disease.
It all started back in July 2019, literally just a few months ago. Judy, my stepmom, was sent to St. Joseph Hospital because of this same thing. It started out as her losing her vision, but then her whole body started to shut down and she basically went into a coma state. She was there for 3 weeks. The first MRI showed some swelling on the brain, but not enough to cause this. And then, after pumping her with steroids, the swelling magically disappeared. So we thought it had gone away. At that time, the doctors said she might not make it. They had only seen the symptoms of her illness in textbooks, but nobody knew what it was.
So she went back to normal life after that. She couldn't work and had just started driving a little bit again. But her and my dad were living life per usually. That lasted about 6 months, and then things escalated in the blink of an eye.
It was a normal January morning. My dad and Judy were sitting in the living room drinking coffee and eating breakfast. She asked him to call her phone, and he found it in their bedroom. My dad got up and walked down the tiny hall to their bedroom, and he was gonna for about a minute or 2. When he came out he heard snoring. In a joking tone he said, "Is that you snoring, or the dogs?" No response. He walked down the hall and found her slumped over in the chair, snoring and unresponsive. Urgently, he tried to wake her and called 911.
At the hospital, she came out of it and remembered her name and everything. Nothing to worry about. But Harrodsburg Hospital said she had a seizure, so they transferred her to St. Joseph. St. Joseph ran tests and found no seizure, but ran an EEG to monitor her for seizures for a couple of days. Then, they ran an MRI. At this point, she was still talking. But as days went on, her speech went from murmurs to very slurred to nothing. They gave her IV's and a catheter. Then they put her on a feeding tube. She went from calm to extremely agitated to calm again to just sleeping all the time.
Still no results again, except a little swelling on the brain. Once again, nothing that should have caused her brain to basically shut down.
My dad stayed by her side through all of it, never leaving the hospital and sleeping in her room if he could. My brother, sister-in-law, and I came over everyday. My sister, nephew, grandparents, and a few family friends called and visited when they could. But we had hope she would miraculously come out of it again
They had moved her from a room to the CCU, and then saw some breathing issues, as well as her not being able to keep her eyes opened for more than a few seconds. She had no anesthesia, and her sleeping medicine was as low as could be. So they moved her to the ICU after they performed a brain biopsy.
After surgery, we went to see her and still had faith she was getting better. We all went home, and told my dad we'd see him in the morning. My niece and nephew had school the next day, and I had planned on trying to go back to work that next night. I was gone for about an hour and a half.
Things took a sharp turn then. Around 11:30pm, I had just closed my eyes, when I got a call from my grandma. She asked if my dad had called yet. He hadn't. In a shaky voice, she told me that Judy was being put on a ventilator and her heart rate was dropping drastically. Instantly, we both started sobbing. So I got off the phone, jumped out of bed, and put on clothes. My dad called crying and I told him I was heading out the door.
I got there, and was met by the chaplain. I saw my dad, squeezed him tightly, and he explained the situation, which was exactly what my grandma had said. I was shaking, crying, and having a full-blown panic attack. My dad told my siblings to stay home until he had more news. So we sat and cried until Judy's cousin, Jody, came and visited with us.
After a bit, they let us all go back and see her. Immediately, my knees gave out once I saw her on the ventilator. I could barely breathe from crying. It was the scariest thing I had seen. I tried to be strong for my dad, but I couldn't in that moment. We both hadn't ate or slept, and our stomachs churned.
We went back in the waiting room. I called my grandparents to come support us. I knew I wasn't strong enough alone. At that time, they had just taken sleeping pills and couldn't drive, but came a few hours later.
Time went on, and around 3:30 or 4:00am we both tried to close our eyes and wait while we waited for my grandparents. As soon as we did though, the chaplain came back and gave us the news that Judy's heart rate was going down even more again, and they were adding another machine. If that didn't work, they were going Code Blue and trying to resuscitate her. In the moment we said, "Whatever it takes to save her!" I called my brother and sister from my dad's phone and told them to come ASAP.
Not long after that, the chaplain comes back in, and my grandparents had arrived. Well, this time he said that instead of 2 commission machines, they were adding the 4th, which they normally only go up to 3. And my dad asked him if he was doing the right thing, but the chaplain told him she was basically brain dead and her body was run by the machines. That's when me and my dad knew we would be selfish to keep her on the machines, she wouldn't want that. But we promised to make the decision as a family. We called my siblings, who agreed. So it was decided that once the machines stopped working, don't try to bring her back.
After gathering up the strength to walk back in her room, my dad and I went and stayed until her final breath. My grandparents said goodbye, and went to the waiting room to give us space and wait for my siblings. With tears staining our faces, we told her it was okay to go home to Heaven and be with her parents and the others who had already gone. My dad told her he wanted to see her pretty blue eyes one more time, and she finally opened them! It was the confirmation needed to say goodbye. We watched as the monitor flat lined, and that was it.
After a few long minutes, we walked out and let them clean her up. At 5:04am, she had passed on. We waited for my siblings to get there, but my dad called them once his voice would let him. After almost 13 years of marriage, he lost his soulmate. My siblings lost their mom. I lost my second mom. My nieces and nephews lost their nana. But Heaven gained another beautiful angel.
That's how it happened. We STILL don't know what caused it, what it was, or why it came back. But it should be named after her. It's something I can't forget. She fought hard to overcome it. It was her time to go.
I can't say we're fine. I don't want your sympathy. But I want to be there for anyone going through this. I hope this inspires you to live everyday like it's your last and to take care of yourself. Hold those you love close. Don't take every moment for granted. And if you've lost someone close, I'm here to offer my condolences. You're not alone.
The most frequent questions we've gotten are: "How are you guys?" and "What can we do to help?" We're all heartbroken and devastated, but we're taking it day by day. And for help, just be there. Keeping everyone company and remembering the good times. That's what we need. And if you financially can donate, give to your local animal shelters. Judy LOVED animals, and we want the money to go to them to help every animal find a good home. But mostly, you can help by reaching out to my family. My dad is gonna need people around him as he transitions into life without Judy waking up next to him each morning. My brother and sister will need help living life without their mom. My niece and nephews will need help seeing how life will be without nana. And just connections are the most important thing.
Like I said, I'm not writing this for attention. This is how I process my feelings. But I also need a place to answer questions without falling apart from reliving the experience verbally. I think I might seriously have PTSD from being in the same room when she breathed her last breath. And I already don't process death well as it is. But this is my way of helping the grieving process. I've cried more than I thought I could. I'm having nightmares. I don't feel like eating much. But I think getting it all out is helping with that process.
It doesn't seem real. But it's life now. Thank you to EVERYONE who has reached out! Your support is more than you'll ever know to us! THANK YOU! ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Judy was an amazing human! Life won't be the same. But if you have any memories of her, feel free to share them. We love you Judy! Rest in peace! See you on the other side! ❤
Friday, February 7, 2020
Friday, November 8, 2019
Rejection
Rejection. We've all been through it. It sucks! One minute you're on top of the world. And then, in a heartbeat you get crushed. It's like the whole world crumbles around you. It's not always romatically being rejected, but it could be from former friends, a job position, or even a total stranger. Recently, it happened to me 3 times in the past week. And shockingly, they all happened while I was at work.
The first time was by a former friend. See the thing with this "friendship" was that I don't even know why we stopped talking. We were fine one day, and then the next she randomly started drifting farther away, until we just never saw or spoke to her for a VERY long time. This past week I was just doing my job and cleaning up the store, like I usually do. And out of the corner of my eye I saw her from the other side of the store. Knowing our previoud run-ins, where she got all awkward when myself and another friend tried to talk to her, I decided to just stay where I was in plain sight and just wait until she got closer to try to say hi. Well, to my disbelief, I look up right at the moment that I see her make a detour around where I was standing, just to avoid me.
Normally, I wouldn't have been as bothered. But I literally have NO IDEA what I did to this girl. To put it in perspective, we were basically best friends and kinda roommates at one point. And now, for her to act as if I were a complete stranger, it stung a bit. But I guess that's what happens when friends drift apart.
The second occurance was even more shocking! This person was someone that I recently was close to, dare I say we were friends and had several conversations when she would come into the store EVERY WEDNESDAY after dropping her daughter off at church. So needless to say, when this happened, I was hurt and confused as to what I had done.
Let me break it done for you. So as I said, she comes in EVERY Wednesday. Which means that she can't use the excuse that she didn't know I would be there. I had noticed her walk by me a few weeks in a row without saying anything to me, but I was always in a place where I just assumed she hadn't seen me or something, or maybe she was just very busy and didn't have time to talk. I mean I get that. BUT this time, a coworker and I were coming out of the breakroom, and we were having a conversation. As we're going down the tiny market aisle, I catch a glimpse of this friend from the corner of my eye. I only didn't say anything first, because I was in the midst of a conversation. But what I did see, was that she had made eye contact with me when I saw her out of the corner of my eye. But when I went to turn around, her face was turn in the complete opposite direction, as if she didn't see me at all, which I know was impossible when there were only 3 of us in this tiny aisle.
And once again, I was upset and confused as to why I was being ignored and rejected by someone I called a friend. Was it because of my liberal views? Was it because I hadn't been coming to church as often as I used to? Did I offend her somehow? Who knows! But I think 3 weeks in a row shows that something is off.
Finally, and probably the most pathetic of them all, is about a dumb boy. Granted I have only known this boy for a month, and we never made our feelings known verbally, but my anxiety and trust issues got the best of me again.
Here's the tea. This guy was new at work. Very handsome. Very nice. Very funny. And like all the other girls in the store, I had a huge crush on him, which sadly I have a track record of doing. But I felt a special connection with this guy. We hung out at a party outside of work. We were VERY flirty. We had each other's phone numbers. We spoke on Facebook. And he seemed genuinely interested and different from the rest, or so I thought. To top it off, all my friends were encouraging me to go for it. Because he seemed like a sure thing.
I was talking with a few friends, and to preface this another friend told me she thought he was talking to someone, and the friend says that he mentioned his "girlfriend" to her. But at the same time, homeboy was flirting with me as if he were single. Then, another friend is shocked by this fact too and says that he was extra flirty with her at the party. But then, after we find out about the girlfriend, he randomly backs off on the flirting. It was like a switch had been flipped. Leaving me thinking, once again, "What did I do?". And I know I should've seen the signs, and it's not like we were every really a thing. But the thing is, I fell hard! And I don't open up or crush on many guys, because it's always the same. I like him WAY too much, and then I get rejected because I misread signs and go for guys who aren't even in my league. And my options are to shut down in public, and then get home and overthink it all.
So I guess you could say that I'm no stranger to rejection. But it happens to us all. The thing I'm beginning to learn is that you can't control it. And the only way to push against it is to face it head on and realize that there was a reason things happened how they did. It won't happen instantly, but slowly the hurt will vanish. It's only temporary.
Have you faced rejection? What steps did you take to overcome it? Any ways of coping with it or taking your mind off of things? Let me know below! Hope you have a great week!
-Pay <3 :)
The first time was by a former friend. See the thing with this "friendship" was that I don't even know why we stopped talking. We were fine one day, and then the next she randomly started drifting farther away, until we just never saw or spoke to her for a VERY long time. This past week I was just doing my job and cleaning up the store, like I usually do. And out of the corner of my eye I saw her from the other side of the store. Knowing our previoud run-ins, where she got all awkward when myself and another friend tried to talk to her, I decided to just stay where I was in plain sight and just wait until she got closer to try to say hi. Well, to my disbelief, I look up right at the moment that I see her make a detour around where I was standing, just to avoid me.
Normally, I wouldn't have been as bothered. But I literally have NO IDEA what I did to this girl. To put it in perspective, we were basically best friends and kinda roommates at one point. And now, for her to act as if I were a complete stranger, it stung a bit. But I guess that's what happens when friends drift apart.
The second occurance was even more shocking! This person was someone that I recently was close to, dare I say we were friends and had several conversations when she would come into the store EVERY WEDNESDAY after dropping her daughter off at church. So needless to say, when this happened, I was hurt and confused as to what I had done.
Let me break it done for you. So as I said, she comes in EVERY Wednesday. Which means that she can't use the excuse that she didn't know I would be there. I had noticed her walk by me a few weeks in a row without saying anything to me, but I was always in a place where I just assumed she hadn't seen me or something, or maybe she was just very busy and didn't have time to talk. I mean I get that. BUT this time, a coworker and I were coming out of the breakroom, and we were having a conversation. As we're going down the tiny market aisle, I catch a glimpse of this friend from the corner of my eye. I only didn't say anything first, because I was in the midst of a conversation. But what I did see, was that she had made eye contact with me when I saw her out of the corner of my eye. But when I went to turn around, her face was turn in the complete opposite direction, as if she didn't see me at all, which I know was impossible when there were only 3 of us in this tiny aisle.
And once again, I was upset and confused as to why I was being ignored and rejected by someone I called a friend. Was it because of my liberal views? Was it because I hadn't been coming to church as often as I used to? Did I offend her somehow? Who knows! But I think 3 weeks in a row shows that something is off.
Finally, and probably the most pathetic of them all, is about a dumb boy. Granted I have only known this boy for a month, and we never made our feelings known verbally, but my anxiety and trust issues got the best of me again.
Here's the tea. This guy was new at work. Very handsome. Very nice. Very funny. And like all the other girls in the store, I had a huge crush on him, which sadly I have a track record of doing. But I felt a special connection with this guy. We hung out at a party outside of work. We were VERY flirty. We had each other's phone numbers. We spoke on Facebook. And he seemed genuinely interested and different from the rest, or so I thought. To top it off, all my friends were encouraging me to go for it. Because he seemed like a sure thing.
I was talking with a few friends, and to preface this another friend told me she thought he was talking to someone, and the friend says that he mentioned his "girlfriend" to her. But at the same time, homeboy was flirting with me as if he were single. Then, another friend is shocked by this fact too and says that he was extra flirty with her at the party. But then, after we find out about the girlfriend, he randomly backs off on the flirting. It was like a switch had been flipped. Leaving me thinking, once again, "What did I do?". And I know I should've seen the signs, and it's not like we were every really a thing. But the thing is, I fell hard! And I don't open up or crush on many guys, because it's always the same. I like him WAY too much, and then I get rejected because I misread signs and go for guys who aren't even in my league. And my options are to shut down in public, and then get home and overthink it all.
So I guess you could say that I'm no stranger to rejection. But it happens to us all. The thing I'm beginning to learn is that you can't control it. And the only way to push against it is to face it head on and realize that there was a reason things happened how they did. It won't happen instantly, but slowly the hurt will vanish. It's only temporary.
Have you faced rejection? What steps did you take to overcome it? Any ways of coping with it or taking your mind off of things? Let me know below! Hope you have a great week!
-Pay <3 :)
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Losing Motivation
Even as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm trying to find the motivation to keep writing. If you couldn't tell by that last sentence, I've been lacking motivation a lot recently. The motivation to be productive. The motivation to do my best work. The motivation to do more things than just lay around and watch YouTube or the newest episode of whatever show I've started in order to probably procrastinate the next thing on my to-do list.
It hasn't always been like this. A few months ago, I was ready to work as hard as I could. At work, I was busting my butt off trying to climb up the ladder and get all of the things done I needed to, plus more. At home, I wasn't as motivated to do housework, but now even doing the dishes or loading the dishwasher is something I put off as long as I can.
The worst part is that I think it has a lot to do with my mental health. I've been trying to keep it on track, but the longer the year goes on, the worst it gets. I think I push myself to do things that I know don't make me happy, but don't replenish it with things that will do me good, mentally and physically, in the end. I feel like all I do is take my roommate to work, pick her up from work, watch whatever I can find online, go to work myself, and then come home and do the same thing most days.
I think the source could also be the fact that I'm financially trying to catch up with all of my bills, which keep stacking higher and higher it seems. And I don't want to bother anyone by telling them I don't have the money to save or go out, so I use apps to pull from my next paycheck, or I secretly tell myself that I can find a way to not stay under $0 in my bank account. And I bottle it up, when I know I should just fess up to it and figure out things in a healthier way. But that also means finding ways to get out of the house and do what I enjoy.
But let's get back to the topic of motivation. I think it's important to remember that gaining motivation in yourself and what you do, includes making goals and determination to complete those things. The one thing that's helped me recently to get a bit more motivation back into my life was sitting down with my roommate and talking through my issues. We then created a list of short-term and long-term goals that I would try to complete. So far, I think I've completed one or two of my goals. But it helps to look at that paper and see where I want to go. And honestly, that's the motivation that I have right now.
Let's turn this into a conversation! Have you ever been in this place where you have lost all motivation? What did you do to help work through it? And what are some goals you made to help push through times of non-motivation? Let me know down in the comments. Hopefully this helps someone reading this to see that they're not alone. It's a common thing. But you gotta remember that it's a mind game, and you can push through it. Hope this helps!
-Pay <3
It hasn't always been like this. A few months ago, I was ready to work as hard as I could. At work, I was busting my butt off trying to climb up the ladder and get all of the things done I needed to, plus more. At home, I wasn't as motivated to do housework, but now even doing the dishes or loading the dishwasher is something I put off as long as I can.
The worst part is that I think it has a lot to do with my mental health. I've been trying to keep it on track, but the longer the year goes on, the worst it gets. I think I push myself to do things that I know don't make me happy, but don't replenish it with things that will do me good, mentally and physically, in the end. I feel like all I do is take my roommate to work, pick her up from work, watch whatever I can find online, go to work myself, and then come home and do the same thing most days.
I think the source could also be the fact that I'm financially trying to catch up with all of my bills, which keep stacking higher and higher it seems. And I don't want to bother anyone by telling them I don't have the money to save or go out, so I use apps to pull from my next paycheck, or I secretly tell myself that I can find a way to not stay under $0 in my bank account. And I bottle it up, when I know I should just fess up to it and figure out things in a healthier way. But that also means finding ways to get out of the house and do what I enjoy.
But let's get back to the topic of motivation. I think it's important to remember that gaining motivation in yourself and what you do, includes making goals and determination to complete those things. The one thing that's helped me recently to get a bit more motivation back into my life was sitting down with my roommate and talking through my issues. We then created a list of short-term and long-term goals that I would try to complete. So far, I think I've completed one or two of my goals. But it helps to look at that paper and see where I want to go. And honestly, that's the motivation that I have right now.
Let's turn this into a conversation! Have you ever been in this place where you have lost all motivation? What did you do to help work through it? And what are some goals you made to help push through times of non-motivation? Let me know down in the comments. Hopefully this helps someone reading this to see that they're not alone. It's a common thing. But you gotta remember that it's a mind game, and you can push through it. Hope this helps!
-Pay <3
Monday, September 23, 2019
Why Music is So Important to My Life
One of the main reason I started blogging was to talk about my love for all things music. As I kept writing, it became more about my personal life or things I have opinions about. I'm not mad about the direction it's taken at all, but I've been thinking about the way music makes me feel a lot.
I've always had a passion for music. I grew up with my dad and grandparents starting me off by listening to the local oldies country music station in our hometown. My mom would listen to VH1 and constantly sing songs from her youth, such as Prince and George Michael. Then, you have all the music I experienced through church on Sundays and Wednesdays, MTV (when they still played music videos), VH1, BET, and even CMT (when I still liked country).
I'm pretty sure I started singing at age 3, or maybe even sooner, at church. And I would always belt my little lungs out in the car and whenever my favorite song came on the TV. Today, it's not any different, I've just added shower singing and sometimes singing on social media.
I go to a different place when I'm listening to the a great song blast in my eardrums. I've seen it turn my mood from super sour to happy go lucky. I've had the biggest headache, and the only thing that cures it is singing (true story). There's been times where it wakes me up during a long car ride, and also puts me to sleep instantly. I wish I were making this up!
I'm sure I've annoyed everyone in my life by the way I, on instinct, try to copy whoever I'm listening to. I've developed a wider range and a rasp from doing it. I also think that may be the reason I lose my voice as much as I do. But basically what I'm saying is that I don't intend on copying the artist I listen to.
Am I the best singer? ABSOLUTLEY NOT! But music is the greatest thing to come into my life. It's something that takes over my entire being. If I could make it my career for life, you bet I would. I looked back at my old elementary school video yearbooks, and from kindergarten - 3rd grade I said I wanted to be a popstar or a singer when I grew up, not 4th grade because aparently I thought I was good at basketball that year and wanted to be in the WNBA 😂. Moral to the story is that this isn't something I've recently thought about.
Because I've been surrounded by music so much, my mind is swirling around with lyrics and melodies. I remember every word to a song I heard 20+ years ago. My friends sometimes call me the human Shazam. It's as if it runs through my veins. I'm definitely not 100% correct and don't remember everything, but I impress myself sometimes.
So why is music important to me? It's because it has consumed 95% of my life. It controls my thoughts and feelings. It's one of the main constants in my life, next to God and my family. From sunrise to sunset, I'm always thinking of at least one song. It's like an addiction to something I can't get rid of, but I like the thrill. And yeah I think if you know me you can see how much I love music. I don't hide it very well.
If you want a post about my musical influences, just let me know. I'd be happy to write one or multiple posts about it. Or if you don't want anymore posts from me, let me know too, but I'll probably ignore that request.
-Pay <3
I've always had a passion for music. I grew up with my dad and grandparents starting me off by listening to the local oldies country music station in our hometown. My mom would listen to VH1 and constantly sing songs from her youth, such as Prince and George Michael. Then, you have all the music I experienced through church on Sundays and Wednesdays, MTV (when they still played music videos), VH1, BET, and even CMT (when I still liked country).
I'm pretty sure I started singing at age 3, or maybe even sooner, at church. And I would always belt my little lungs out in the car and whenever my favorite song came on the TV. Today, it's not any different, I've just added shower singing and sometimes singing on social media.
I go to a different place when I'm listening to the a great song blast in my eardrums. I've seen it turn my mood from super sour to happy go lucky. I've had the biggest headache, and the only thing that cures it is singing (true story). There's been times where it wakes me up during a long car ride, and also puts me to sleep instantly. I wish I were making this up!
I'm sure I've annoyed everyone in my life by the way I, on instinct, try to copy whoever I'm listening to. I've developed a wider range and a rasp from doing it. I also think that may be the reason I lose my voice as much as I do. But basically what I'm saying is that I don't intend on copying the artist I listen to.
Am I the best singer? ABSOLUTLEY NOT! But music is the greatest thing to come into my life. It's something that takes over my entire being. If I could make it my career for life, you bet I would. I looked back at my old elementary school video yearbooks, and from kindergarten - 3rd grade I said I wanted to be a popstar or a singer when I grew up, not 4th grade because aparently I thought I was good at basketball that year and wanted to be in the WNBA 😂. Moral to the story is that this isn't something I've recently thought about.
Because I've been surrounded by music so much, my mind is swirling around with lyrics and melodies. I remember every word to a song I heard 20+ years ago. My friends sometimes call me the human Shazam. It's as if it runs through my veins. I'm definitely not 100% correct and don't remember everything, but I impress myself sometimes.
So why is music important to me? It's because it has consumed 95% of my life. It controls my thoughts and feelings. It's one of the main constants in my life, next to God and my family. From sunrise to sunset, I'm always thinking of at least one song. It's like an addiction to something I can't get rid of, but I like the thrill. And yeah I think if you know me you can see how much I love music. I don't hide it very well.
If you want a post about my musical influences, just let me know. I'd be happy to write one or multiple posts about it. Or if you don't want anymore posts from me, let me know too, but I'll probably ignore that request.
-Pay <3
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
Do I Want to Get Married & Have Kids?
As I approach the of my 26th year of life, I'm starting to think more about marriage and kids. If you've been keeping up with the blog posts, or know me in real life, you'll know that I have MAJOR trust and commitment issues. But that doesn't mean I'm not on the look out for potential love.
I go back and forth everyday with the idea of starting a family. On one hand, most of my friends are in some form or relationship, and I'm at the age where it's prime time to start settling down. I get lonely from time to time. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend/future husband, but that's where the other side of it comes in...the trust and commitment issues.
I've talked about it many times before. I don't go on dates, because I've been scarred one too many times. I'm scared that the next guy is going to trample all over my heart and emotions again, like the last, and I'll be left to ponder what could've gone wrong or why I'm "not good enough". Not that I need the approval of anyone else to know I'm enough, but it would be nice to know that I'm worthy of someone's attention.
So then we have the matter of kids in the future. Aside from my family harping on the fact that they want grandkids, when they already have them, I really don't know if I want kids. Most days I think that it would be cool to be a mom and raise kids with my DNA and get to influence how they grow up. Or I think about how cute it would be to have a pregnancy bump and shop for baby clothes for my own child and not someone else's. But then I think about the pain of having to ACTUALLY give birth, or the screaming baby/toddler phases, and I think "nah! not my scene."
Then, there's the matter of my family. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY FAMILY. But sometimes I look at how, dare I say, disfunctional my family is, and I think about trying to explain the whole mess to somebody else. I'm not ashamed, but that's adding one more person into an already difficult equation that is my family.
Overall, I'm conflicted on the issue of dating, marriage, and kids. And on top of that, I can barely keep up with my own life. How can I introduce someone into my chaos if I can't get my own life straightened out?! Would that throw a wrench in things? Would it ease the tension and stress by having someone to lean on? And how would that affect my friendships? Would it affect anything? And not to mention, I've never been on a real date. How does one date? What do I wear? What's a good date look like? What's "normal" date behavior? So many questions!
It's not that I haven't tried. I've written about the "major" love fails, and heartbreaks. But I've tried just about every dating site, which either gets too weird, one of us ghosts the other, or someone gets too curious and I freak out and delete the app (Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, etc.). I've tried church, where everyone is either too young, too old, already taken, or not my type. I've tried work, but that complicates things too much, or one of the above happens, on top of they might also not be into women. Nothing has really clicked yet.
The closest thing right now is that I'm talking to someone who is "an old friend" from high school, but I don't know what the situation. Part of me wonders what it would be like to just go for it. But the other half is wondering if we were meant to be just friends, and I'm only thinking I'm catching feels because he's something sort of familiar and safe. But it's been years, and part of me is terrified that if he sees me in real life after all these years, I won't live up to his expectation of me online. So we're back at square one.
To answer the initial question of if I want marriage and kids, I think for now the answer is yes. The hard part is figuring out how to acheive that goal without retreating into my bubble. I realize that I only doubt my desire to be a wife and mother someday whenever I start getting too in my head. I get scared that there's no one out there for me. I get in the mindset that I'm not gonna find that person who will fight for me and challenge me to not give up on myself and others. I just need someone to complicate my life so much that I can't go on without them in it to disrupt whatever the curent balance is. Only then will it be possible for me to truly know become a wife and mother one day. And I think that desire grows stronger the older I get and the more I see my friends getting to experience these things.
Maybe it'll happen one day. Until then, I know that I don't need a man or kids to define me. I can do me just fine on my own. I've made it almost 27 more, and it hasn't slowed me down yet. I just need to find someone to keep up with me. Maybe someday. :)
I go back and forth everyday with the idea of starting a family. On one hand, most of my friends are in some form or relationship, and I'm at the age where it's prime time to start settling down. I get lonely from time to time. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend/future husband, but that's where the other side of it comes in...the trust and commitment issues.
I've talked about it many times before. I don't go on dates, because I've been scarred one too many times. I'm scared that the next guy is going to trample all over my heart and emotions again, like the last, and I'll be left to ponder what could've gone wrong or why I'm "not good enough". Not that I need the approval of anyone else to know I'm enough, but it would be nice to know that I'm worthy of someone's attention.
So then we have the matter of kids in the future. Aside from my family harping on the fact that they want grandkids, when they already have them, I really don't know if I want kids. Most days I think that it would be cool to be a mom and raise kids with my DNA and get to influence how they grow up. Or I think about how cute it would be to have a pregnancy bump and shop for baby clothes for my own child and not someone else's. But then I think about the pain of having to ACTUALLY give birth, or the screaming baby/toddler phases, and I think "nah! not my scene."
Then, there's the matter of my family. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY FAMILY. But sometimes I look at how, dare I say, disfunctional my family is, and I think about trying to explain the whole mess to somebody else. I'm not ashamed, but that's adding one more person into an already difficult equation that is my family.
Overall, I'm conflicted on the issue of dating, marriage, and kids. And on top of that, I can barely keep up with my own life. How can I introduce someone into my chaos if I can't get my own life straightened out?! Would that throw a wrench in things? Would it ease the tension and stress by having someone to lean on? And how would that affect my friendships? Would it affect anything? And not to mention, I've never been on a real date. How does one date? What do I wear? What's a good date look like? What's "normal" date behavior? So many questions!
It's not that I haven't tried. I've written about the "major" love fails, and heartbreaks. But I've tried just about every dating site, which either gets too weird, one of us ghosts the other, or someone gets too curious and I freak out and delete the app (Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, etc.). I've tried church, where everyone is either too young, too old, already taken, or not my type. I've tried work, but that complicates things too much, or one of the above happens, on top of they might also not be into women. Nothing has really clicked yet.
The closest thing right now is that I'm talking to someone who is "an old friend" from high school, but I don't know what the situation. Part of me wonders what it would be like to just go for it. But the other half is wondering if we were meant to be just friends, and I'm only thinking I'm catching feels because he's something sort of familiar and safe. But it's been years, and part of me is terrified that if he sees me in real life after all these years, I won't live up to his expectation of me online. So we're back at square one.
To answer the initial question of if I want marriage and kids, I think for now the answer is yes. The hard part is figuring out how to acheive that goal without retreating into my bubble. I realize that I only doubt my desire to be a wife and mother someday whenever I start getting too in my head. I get scared that there's no one out there for me. I get in the mindset that I'm not gonna find that person who will fight for me and challenge me to not give up on myself and others. I just need someone to complicate my life so much that I can't go on without them in it to disrupt whatever the curent balance is. Only then will it be possible for me to truly know become a wife and mother one day. And I think that desire grows stronger the older I get and the more I see my friends getting to experience these things.
Maybe it'll happen one day. Until then, I know that I don't need a man or kids to define me. I can do me just fine on my own. I've made it almost 27 more, and it hasn't slowed me down yet. I just need to find someone to keep up with me. Maybe someday. :)
Monday, September 2, 2019
Discovering Who I Am
I'm not the kind of person who loves having serious chats about my emotions or about myself in general. But there are a few people who can bring that out in me, and those are my two best friends (one of those are also my roommate of 6.5 years). My roommate/best friend/honorary sister, Felisha, is the person who makes me have these hard conversations. In fact, if it weren't for her calling me out today I never would've made the discoveries about myself that I did. Those discoveries are that I have, undiagnosed, anxiety, depression, and anorexia nervosa.
Now I know, those are BIG things to just throw out. But I didn't realize, expect for the anxiety, that for months I have been holding things in and not treating my body well at all! It scares me to think of what would have happened if I hadn't had all of this brought to my attention. Did I hate being a ball of emotions? Yes. But now I'm aware of what I need to work on for myself. I need to get help! And I'm not even saying that I need professional help, but I need help from someone who has been there before and can give tips on what I need to do to get better.
So what's been going on with me? I kinda hate the position I'm in at work. One of my team leads will barely speak to me. I can go a full day off of barely eating anything, and not even recognize it. I just moved. My bank account was drained SO MUCH that I couldn't pay rent and had to take out a $300 loan. My shoudler that I messed up 7 years ago has flared up again. And I don't have much of a social life outside of work. To top all of this off, I never realized that I was getting angry and snippy at those closest to me, because I was self sabotaging myself in several different ways.
Going into my 27th year of life soon has brought out the things that I never knew were going on around me. I feel like I don't recognize the person in the mirror. Where did the old me go? Why am I just learning about this? How can I get better?
Luckily, Felisha had me sit down and write a list of goals for the year to make me look forward to having something to work towards. And blogging more was one of my short-term goals. I forgot how much I loved it. I forgot how good it feels to write down what's going on in my brain at that moment. I starting my list of goals by making a conscious effort to blog about anything. Could be my week/day. Could be a random thought in my head. Could be ANYTHING. But I'm starting this off at my first steps towards completing my goals.
If you can relate or want to talk about anything, don't hesitate to comment down in the comment section, or reach out to me if I know you personally. This isn't my call for help. This is me expressing that I am going to make the effort to turn my life around. And I hope you can too.
-Pay <3
Now I know, those are BIG things to just throw out. But I didn't realize, expect for the anxiety, that for months I have been holding things in and not treating my body well at all! It scares me to think of what would have happened if I hadn't had all of this brought to my attention. Did I hate being a ball of emotions? Yes. But now I'm aware of what I need to work on for myself. I need to get help! And I'm not even saying that I need professional help, but I need help from someone who has been there before and can give tips on what I need to do to get better.
So what's been going on with me? I kinda hate the position I'm in at work. One of my team leads will barely speak to me. I can go a full day off of barely eating anything, and not even recognize it. I just moved. My bank account was drained SO MUCH that I couldn't pay rent and had to take out a $300 loan. My shoudler that I messed up 7 years ago has flared up again. And I don't have much of a social life outside of work. To top all of this off, I never realized that I was getting angry and snippy at those closest to me, because I was self sabotaging myself in several different ways.
Going into my 27th year of life soon has brought out the things that I never knew were going on around me. I feel like I don't recognize the person in the mirror. Where did the old me go? Why am I just learning about this? How can I get better?
Luckily, Felisha had me sit down and write a list of goals for the year to make me look forward to having something to work towards. And blogging more was one of my short-term goals. I forgot how much I loved it. I forgot how good it feels to write down what's going on in my brain at that moment. I starting my list of goals by making a conscious effort to blog about anything. Could be my week/day. Could be a random thought in my head. Could be ANYTHING. But I'm starting this off at my first steps towards completing my goals.
If you can relate or want to talk about anything, don't hesitate to comment down in the comment section, or reach out to me if I know you personally. This isn't my call for help. This is me expressing that I am going to make the effort to turn my life around. And I hope you can too.
-Pay <3
Tuesday, May 7, 2019
Change is Good!
This morning I was listening to the podcast "Pretty Basic", which is a lifestyle podcast by Alisha Marie and Remi Ashten. The topic was about being yourself and recognizing how far you've come. Remi was talking about how she is a people pleaser and is someone who needs closure on friendships, but she also still has love for the people in her past, if it were a true friendship or relationship. If you know me, you'll know this is EXACTLY how I am.
I am that friend who will try to milk a friendship until it's dead, and even then I stilll try to make things work. But as I was listening to this, I was watching some snapchat stories and looking at instagram posts from old friends that I used to hang out within the past year. For a second I was sad about how much I missed them and how I at one time called them all close friends. And there was no hatred in my heart for these people. They even said in the podcast that there was a reason why things fizzled out, but it doesn't mean either side is in the wrong.
In the podcast, they also talked about the change that they had went through in just the past 6 months. And in that, they became more themselves and less of what others wanted them to be. That, once again, struck a chord with me. I was looking back at the past missing it, but I'm in a better spot all the way around.
The person I was last year was filled with worry, stress, anxiety, anger, resentment, and jealousy for the life I saw others having. And today, while I'm not 100% the person who has it all figured out, I've come into who I am a bit more. I'm not worried about trying to fit in as much or feeling the need to go out, even though I don't have the money. I'm working hard for my money and keeping the old anxiety at bay as much as I can.
At the beginning of 2018, I was sad and lonely, and I was trying to fit in with groups of people who were only surface-level friendships, which I didn't realize until I was out of the situation. There were only a few people that I could say that I knew any personal things about and had an interest in their lives. Those were the people I can honestly say I wish I hung out with more. They brought out a side of me that is closer to who I actually am. And now I look at the people that I still keep in contact with, and they are the people who cheer me on and I cheer them on. We're not fake with each other. We wanna know how the other is doing. Maybe we don't hang out as much as we want to, but we're working on it.
The next step in my journey is too look forward. To work on the friendships I've made, new and old. I'm thankful for what life has given me thus far, but as I've said a thousand times by now, I'm happy where I'm at. My career is on the uprise, and I'm focusing on myself as much as possible.
So if you're currently in my life and I can call you a friend, THANK YOU! I love you all for being there for me and for encouraging me to be the best person I can be.
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